Until I Get Married

You ever think about some of the things you’re into and wonder if there is something wrong with you? Like people who can’t stop watching random street fights on YouTube or Worldstarhiphop.com. They should know if they surf one of these two sites to try and watch a good street fight every single day, they are sick. Something is wrong with them and if they’re honest enough with themselves, they at least acknowledge they need help.

When it comes to acknowledging the tendency to like what is out of the ordinary or unusual, I will be the first to raise my hand. The following is a list of things I am attracted to in the opposite sex that are either one of those two things — out of the ordinary, unusual. Understand to some, I know a couple of these are don’t seem like they belong on Planet Strange, but if you knew to what extent these things turned me on, you’d probably say they do.

So here it goes, a small list of things to which I have no business being attracted.

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My ex-girlfriend and I lived together for about three months before she finally decided the apartment she moved into, the same apartment I had been living in already for a year by myself, needed some moderate upgrades. With her help, subtle changes were made, like a bathroom rug, a colorful bed spread, and the legendary trash can I have written about in a previous post.

But there was one upgrade she made that was a little too flashy for my taste. She wanted to get a dual-headed detachable shower head. This thing was luxurious, and too extravagant for a bathroom that had off-brand soap and brown bottles of hydrogen peroxide in bulk. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, it was just, my lifestyle didn’t warrant such a flashy item. I thought to myself, If I was a bachelor this shower head would be perfect, but I’m in a relationship? Naw, it’s an unnecessary stunt.

We got it anyway and it stayed with me until we broke up and she took it. Later I asked her what she ended up doing with it and she said she threw it away, which pissed me off. Why do women have the nicest things and use them for the most plain reasons? Had she let me keep the shower head, pleae believe I’d have found multiple purposes for it. This is why I say there are certain things women don’t need to have, not because they can’t use them, but because they don’t know how to use them properly.

Below, a list of five things women have but under utilize

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When I was in high school, I worked at a restaurant part time. One of my co-workers was this really fly hostess who was a few years my elder. I think she was in like community college or something. In any case, every now and then, she would put me on to the ways of women, what they liked, what they didn’t like.

Much of her lessons have been forgotten, admittedly, but there was one lesson she taught me that has stuck with me forever. It goes as follows:

A woman should never have to buy her own flowers, jewelry, or perfume

I believe her father told her this, and I thought it good and fair advice. My mother also once told me a man should buy his woman flowers at least once a month. This is good advice as well. Over the years, I have also noticed another item or purchase a woman should never have to make on her own: A day at the spa. All men should get their special lady a day at the spa, whether it be for a special occasion or not. So those are the four things a woman should never have to buy for herself, which begs the question: What should a man never have to buy for himself? Even if he has the means to do so, I thought, there should be some items men should receive from others instead of treating themselves.

I’ve thought long and hard about this list and I’m finally ready to share it with everyone else. Feel free to add anything both to the list of things a woman should never have to buy for herself (which I’m sure my woman readers are going to do anyway) and the list of things a man should never have to buy for himself.

Here it is, four things a man should never have to purchase for himself. No further explanations necessary.

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Whenever a woman says she’s going to start dating women, I’m smart enough to know nine times out of 10 she’s being facetious. I never really take her comment seriously, as though all of a sudden she woke up and started feigning for the same things I feign for.

What she’s really trying to say in so many words is she’s ready to give up on men. She’s tired of me and men like me; tired of dealing with the same BS from my fellow brethren and I. We’re a handful, or a mouthful, or an earful, or awful. No matter the way she slices it, we’re full of it and she’s not taking it anymore. So she says out loud, I’m done with men, time for me to start dating women.

I get it, sort of. I say sort of because I understand how dealing with the opposite sex can be frustrating but, no matter how many times I’ve been frustrated with women, no matter how many times a woman has done something to make me despise her and her kind, I have never once threatened to swear them off for good and start dating other men. That would never happen. First of all, there’s the obvious: I don’t find other men attractive. Second of all I’m too much of a man to know men aren’t any easier to deal with than women.

But women, for whatever reason, seem to think the opposite. I find it pure comedy how women are so much more incapable of being friendly towards other women and yet never understand why a man can’t get along with his woman, which is why I challenge all women who threaten to start dating other women to back those words up Please do it. I’m totally fine with some girls coming over to my side of the world and here are five reasons why.

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It took a couple of years before publications and various other media outlets began to understand and talk about Facebook’s impact on everyday relationships. Status updates, photo tagging, profile pictures, and the like now have the potential to make just as loud of a statement as newspaper engagement announcements or being spotted by other people out at dinner once did. Sure we still have our own rules about what to do and what not to do when dating someone else, but we’ve also added more largely due to Facebook.

Twitter still has a long way to go before it starts to affect our relationships the way Facebook has, and it may never be able to.. Twitter as a form of social media is way simpler than Facebook, but just like we have done with nearly every other innovative piece of technology, we the people find a way to make it complicate our lives and attach to it emotionally.

Since I joined Twitter two years ago, I have noticed how it sneakily can have an impact on relationships. If you’re not careful, following the person you’re datingon Twitter can be detrimental. This is not to say you should not follow someone you like or whom you’re dating, but it is to say it’s not nearly as necessary as say being friends with your significant other on Facebook. Today, five reasons why you don’t need to follow the person you’re dating.

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There’s an art to knowing how to conduct one’s self post coital, and frankly, I’m no Picasso. Usually when I’m done, if I don’t go to sleep, I clean myself up right away and find some shorts or pants to throw on. As a result, this has caused many a women some confusion. They look at me as though I’m telling them to leave, or like I’m going to leave their place. This, as one can imagine, makes things awkward.

But I must say, I know exactly how these women feel. I too have been on the receiving end of some awfully questionable and unusual reactions post-coital. These are five such moments.

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I was trying to think of an introduction to today’s post, something about how this one is for my male readers, but isn’t that obvious by the title?

In any case, ladies who have said any of these things to someone else or even to me, don’t be alarmed by the quotes below. Just because a woman says them, doesn’t mean we count them as a strike. It just means they’re not as noble as you might think, ladies. Also, this is not a list of annoying things women say (that would be much longer), rather, this is a list of things women say with an air of pomposity.Women can say them as much as they like, just don’t expect men to interpret them as favorably as they were intended.

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Just so we’re clear, I’m not getting married anytime soon. This is one of those posts I wrote down in my long list  of ideas, and finally decided to write after I was having a conversation with Jermaine. Both he and I were talking about weddings. Yes, weddings.

For the uninformed, men talk about weddings. They may not do so as much as women, but if a group of men hang around each other often enough, every single aspect of their life eventually comes up for discussion, things like, their future wedding. Whether it be way far off or just around the corner, a man’s wedding is something he thinks about and plans out in his head, not obsessively, but probably more than any woman could imagine. We have plans for our weddings too ladies. Here are five of the things we’re thinking about well in advance of the big day.

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We all have these rules for our premarital relationships. Some of them are big picture rules like, no cohabitation or intercourse before marriage. Other rules are more nuanced like the rule I gave myself that I won’t be having s*x without a condom or if I owned a really nice car, no girlfriends are allowed to drive it.

Whatever the rules we may be, some of them are quite ridiculous. And, the longer a lot of us go without getting hitched, the more rules we add, and the more ridiculous the rules can get. For example, the list below, my sampling of five things I have decided I won’t be doing until I get married. Don’t know if I did this list before (too lazy to read back), but I’m sure I’ve never done a list with these five things.

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Did you all miss me? Good. It’s nice to be missed.

When I returned home for the holidays, I had intentions of maintaining the blog, but after last Monday’s post, I fell ill and decided to take the week off. The break was necessary and even though it was the longest amount of time I ever went without posting, I felt it was for the best.

But now, with one full day left before I head back to New York City, I’m getting back into the swing of things.

And so today we begin anew. Like I do every Monday, I’m kicking things off with a list of five dating/sex resolutions I plan to abide by once the clock strikes 12 a.m. on January 1, 2011. Most of these resolutions won’t be sudden changes in behavior, as these are things I’ve kind of outgrown, but apt to regress to from time to time. Though I’m not necessarily a big believer in the idea of resolutions, I do feel another year is a clean slate, one in which I have a chance to do things differently. So with that being said, here are five things I’m going to do (or stop doing) regarding sex and dating in 2011.

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