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Three Things You Need To Do Since Your Girl Is Going To See ‘Magic Mike’ And Magic Mike XXL

July 2nd, 2015 17 comments

What’s up, folks!? A quick note for those who are seeing this post for the first time. I originally wrote it back when the first “Magic Mike” hit theaters. But now, with the release of the sequel, I thought it would be a good idea to repost it. I haven’t edited anything largely because judging from the trailer, it seems to be the same movie. So fellas, read and share this with your boys because I wrote it for us, the men whose women are going to see Magic Mike XXL.

Fellas, today your girl is not thinking about you. She isn’t worried about you and unless your real name is Mike, she doesn’t know your name. Why? “Magic Mike” comes out today, and if you haven’t heard about it, go to Google and get ready to shut your laptop within the first 30 seconds of that trailer.

Yep. That was Channing Tatum dancing half naked on your screen. I’m sorry, man but I had to put you onto game, because the fact is, women are out here buying two tickets for this movie. They’re buying one for themselves to see at lunch and the other to see after work.

Women are excited for this movie about male strippers, which is not to say they like male strippers. Most women I know say they actually loathe male strippers in real life, which I totally get because like, I’ve lusted for p0rn stars on my screen, but in real life? I don’t know if I’m going to date one, except for Michelle Tucker. Michelle Tucker gets all my forgiveness for her past, but that’s neither here nor there, moving on…

Very rarely does a movie come out with the sole intent of getting every woman in the audience to cross their legs multiple times throughout the film. Women never get treated to SCENES that appeal to their carnal side, let alone whole movies, so when something like “Magic Mike” comes out, they’re all in.

Meanwhile, because you might not have heard about this movie, you’ve just been chilling when you should’ve been in the gym or on the floor of your residence, knocking out pushups. If this is or was you, bravo sir. You knew better than to let yourself go as the promotional blitz for “Magic Mike” was heating up to today’s release. You can live comfortably knowing your woman will go see a movie with half naked men but come hot for YOU because you look like those dudes on the screen.

As for the rest of you guys, there’s still some things you can do to ensure your woman will not carry over some residual heat from the theater, because if she is hot, it’s certainly not for you. Here are my tips for the men who must endure their women going to see “Magic Mike” once or twice.

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Hey Boo: Five Reasons Halloween is The Best Night to Meet Someone

October 29th, 2014 No comments

Let’s get one thing straight: Of course I’m biased.

I met Gina at a Halloween party so naturally I’m going to think this Friday is perhaps the best day of the year for people to meet that potential special someone. This has nothing to do with cuffing season because in case you didn’t know, I am staunchly against cuffing season. This is more about great environments begetting great opportunity.

Whether it’s life-changing love or a one night stand, Halloween parties are your best bet to get whatever relationship you want. I believe this so much, I don’t even call it Halloween anymore so much as I call it “boo season” because the term more accurately describes the multiple benefits of October 31.

I always believed Halloween parties were great environments to meet someone, even before I met Gina. But meeting her at one certainly helps give me credibility in this niche, and no this guideline isn’t so any of you all can get like me. It’s just to help those who have yet to be truly enlightened as to why fright night is the right night to meet that special someone and here’s how you do it.

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Other Questions You Can Ask A Victim of Domestic Violence

September 10th, 2014 4 comments

Let’s start with the facts: That we never know the full story. Whether it’s a domestic violence situation close to home or it’s one being played out on the news documented by security cameras, we will only know what we saw and what we’re told. Naturally, we all have questions, and most of them come from a good place, and valid, but some of them, while well-intended, are poorly executed.

Case in point, this question I have heard a lot since Monday when TMZ Sports released video footage of Ray Rice knocking out his wife Janay Rice in an elevator at an Atlantic City hotel.

What did she do to provoke him?

Before I get into why this question is the last question anyone should ask, here is a list of five other questions I think are better suited for not only Janay Rice, but other victims of domestic violence as well. For the sake of this post, let’s just imagine the woman we’re talking to has come to us directly to tell us she and her partner got into an argument and he physically hurt her to the point where there was visible damage. Also, because unfortunately MOST domestic violence victims do not have the benefit of video footage and therefore reports must be taken at their word, let’s say this woman is someone we believe would have no reason to lie. She is reaching out to you because she would rather go to someone she loves/trusts/respects rather than the police.

Here are the questions I would ask if a woman I cared about said her partner assaulted her:

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Not All Girls Will Like You and That’s Okay

May 27th, 2014 5 comments

I had my first kiss in fourth grade. That week, rumors were circulating that the girls in our class had a meeting and decided each of them would kiss a boy on the schoolyard, with no warning beforehand. The boys in the class only knew basic math, but it was all we needed to figure out that because there were more girls than boys, a couple of us were going to be left out of the attack of our dreams.

When I was 17-years-old, I lost my virginity. According to this recent study by the Center for Disease Control, that is the average age for American men and women, but you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t late to the party. Prior to when it actually happened, if a baseball teammate of mine or one of the other boys I hung out with asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity, I would lie and say 14. When I was 14, I said 13.

Both my first kiss and losing my virginity happened years apart from each other, but I distinctly remember feeling the exact same way up until the moment they occurred. That week of my fourth grade year, I remember being worried I wouldn’t be one of the lucky ones to get a kiss. Before I lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart, I remember praying to God that I wouldn’t die a virgin. Considering I had no idea what either of these experiences actually felt like, on a physical level, I never understood why I wanted them to happen to me so badly.

It would be years before I realized what I was so anxious about: I wanted girls to like me.

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The Five Guys She Has In Her Life

December 4th, 2013 4 comments

I have a friend who used to go up to every woman he was attracted to with the same hook, line, and sinker. He chatted her up with friendly conversation, maybe offered her a drink or danced with her for a couple of songs and then if things were going well, he hit her with the question, “So do you have a man?”

His success rate with this approach was a Major League Baseball average at best (for all you non sports fans, a great season for any player is when they hit over 30%). As well intended as his ask may have been, it failed to hit the mark more than it didn’t and I had to tell him why. He never listened because he was stubborn, but maybe one of you guys out there who is reading this will hear me out as to why it’s almost never a good idea to ask a woman if she is single.

As I think I have said before on this site (I don’t feel like looking it up to verify this), asking a woman if she is seeing someone gives her an easy out. If she isn’t single, she doesn’t want to be reminded of that at all. Even if she’s happily single, when has a woman ever said out loud, to a man, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend, thank God!”

Never.

I always assume a woman has a boyfriend, but I don’t let that stop me. If I want to confirm, I’ll ask one of her friends for the inside scoop, but I don’t ask myself for the reasons stated above and because, well, I just think it’s good to have a filter. Assuming she has a man is what enables me to approach in an assertive but non aggressive way, that way if some barrel-chested guy with a shirt that’s too small comes out of the bathroom, he won’t try to slam my head into the bar. I don’t want my head slammed into the bar.

But the other reason this question is a waste of your time (and hers) is because even if she isn’t single it doesn’t mean she’s available.

Every woman has a team of guys from whom she is getting attention. I know this because I have been on multiple teams, assigned to multiple positions. Never think you’re playing tennis with a woman unless she says love out loud. Until then, understand you’re playing a team sport, and you are one man against five. If you want to be the MVP in her life, you have to, in the words of Waka Flocka, go hard in the paint and cross up every one of these following five jokers before she ever lets you score.

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Don’t be That Guy Who Complains About What She Wears

June 5th, 2013 4 comments

Ed Note: The following story is no indictment on my step-dad who is a great man.

While home from college for the holidays, my mother asked me to go with her to the local Macy’s. She wanted to do some shopping for herself. Of course I said yes because it’s the only time of year I’m home and any chance to spend time with Ms. Rita is always welcome. Also, everyone knows when you’re home visiting parents, any run to a store for themselves eventually turns into them going on a shopping spree for you.

We parked the car and walked into Macy’s. I’m ready to see mom ball out on her son, because where I’m from Macy’s is pretty much the tippy-top of the line. Everyone bought their nice things from the local Macy’s and we’ve been shopping there for me to get fly since my 8th grade promotional ceremony.

The two of us walked in the entrance where the men’s clothing section was, so of course I made a right in the direction of the leather jackets. I needed a new one, but my mom kept walking straight ahead. Maybe she was going to another part of the men’s section? I started following her, and to my surprise she was walking past the men’s clothes, past the cologne area, past the men’s shoes, past every single section that applied to me. Instead, she was taking the escalator, up to the women’s section. What was she doing? Did she need to use the bathroom? Was she going to return something she bought, get some store credit, and then come back down?

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Hey Girl, Talk to me About Street Harrassment

May 30th, 2013 12 comments

I need a prayer to get in her book and it looks rather dry
I guess a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye
Although she’s crazy steppin, I’ll try to stop her stride
Cause I won’t have no more of this passin me by

— Slimkid3 of The Pharcyde from “Passin’ Me By”

 

Several years ago, me and my boys Ace and Hugh were walking down Canal street in New Orleans. We were there for the Essence Music Festival, Fourth of July Weekend. For those who have never been or read my previous posts about it, it’s essentially a weekend of nothing but great music, excellent cuisine, lots of liquor, and for a man, so much eye candy they’re bound to leave with optical diabetes.

Such a piece walked right past the three of us as we were discussing which direction we were going in. The girl was flanked by two others on her right and left side. They were all walking quickly, but Ace and Hugh and I noticed the woman in the middle. This was day two at the festival, a festival we had been to previous years, so by now we were well trained in the art of patience. We were no longer running after pretty face who walked by, and put a premium on good conversation with strangers instead of just aesthetics. But this girl in the middle couldn’t be ignored, at least not by me.

I stepped away from the group to catch up. Of course, I had no idea what to say to get her attention. She was wearing a floral dress, so thinking on my toes I started yelling “Hey, flower girl!” as I speed-walked towards her, hoping to get her to turn around before I had to pass her up, turn around, and get in her way. “Flower girl” wasn’t working, so I started yelling, “Beautiful, beautiful!”

Finally, she turned around, but only for a moment to see if I was talking to her. “Yes, you.” She turned back around and kept walking. “No, you, I’m talking to you!” There was a storefront with mirrors to our immediate left, as they were still walking, I improvised: “Look to your left, in the mirror, I’m talking to you. You!” She looked to her left. “There you go,” I said as she was slowing down, and finally stood at the corner, her girls putting some space between us and them. “Hi,” I said. “I’m sorry for yelling, I just had to stop you. My name is Jozen…”

What happened next isn’t relevant to today’s post, but since I know you all are nosy I will say this much: She ended up visiting me in New York City a few weeks later.

The reason I’m sharing this story is because I want to talk about street harassment. It is close to 90 degrees in New York City today, and the forecast says the weather will be hovering around that temperature for the next few days. That means Summer is here, and it also means women are going to hear the latest in cat call lexicon.

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In Defense of Men Who Care Their Way

December 5th, 2012 5 comments

When I write posts like the one I published on Monday, the chorus of responses are immediate.

Women love it.

I speak to all the wonderful things women have done for me, and how I may not have always deserved such gestures or how I’m dumbstruck by love given to me regardless of our relationship status. The women reach out and say, “Thank you for writing this, I needed to hear it.” They also say, “I hope more guys read what you wrote.” Posts like “The Maddening, Frustrating Love of A Woman” get passed around by women with proclamations like, “FINALLY!” attached to them.

I’m not expecting a similar response today, and it certainly won’t be because this one isn’t as spot-on as the other.

As flawed as I am, as flawed as most men are, women are too. Every single woman I mentioned in the last post has something wrong with them. There is some reason we’re not together, and that’s not entirely my fault. My mother remains the greatest woman in the world, but in the battle of right and wrong, she too does not have a perfect record.

There are two perceptions I am trying to avoid when I write posts like the previous one:

1) The idea that I’m putting women up on a pedestal.
2) The idea that men don’t deserve the good treatement they get.

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Quality Quantity And Why Men Are Lonely

October 5th, 2012 8 comments

I’m beginning to hate guys, on behalf of women everywhere.

I don’t know if it’s NYC or it’s everywhere in this country, but for all the complaining we do about women and their inflated sense of self-entitlement, my job as a dating reporter for The New York Post has shown me they’re not the only ones.

If we’re talking about the odds, there’s no question, they’re in favor of guys everywhere. But just because men are playing with house money doesn’t mean they know how to play, and most guys, whether they care to admit it or not, are breaking even and it drives me crazy. Because they act like they got it, and they do have it, but they’re not doing anything with it.

My job is to set people up on blind dates. Every week a person gets to choose to go out on one date who they select from three choices I give them. Each week I have to alternate between a woman getting to choose one of three guys, and a man choosing from one of three gals. For the most part things go smoothly, but the times I have run into a problem is when I put the ball in the man’s court. The specific problem has been, the guys who do the choosing get too choosy. They develop a God complex, and everytime it happens I want to remind them of the following:

It’s just one date.
You signed up for this experience for a reason.
Closed mouths don’t get fed.
The woman might not like you, so you’re not the only one taking a risk. 

I keep telling women, men are lonely too. I know that seems hard to believe, but believe me when I say a lot of men are sitting at home, playing video games, messing around on the Internet, or some other mundane activity, all in an effort to fill up their solitude. The majority of guys will say that’s how they want it to be, just them their right or left hand, some lubricant, Internet p0rn, XBox360, and a good book, you know, for balance.

The majority of that majority is lying.

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Talk To Him Like A H*e

July 24th, 2012 32 comments

Today, I’m going to put you ladies onto some game your mothers might not have told you about. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure your mother told you to do the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you to do and your father dreaded the day a guy like me would come along and kick you this knowledge. But most of you who read my blog are adult enough to take this advice and use it without worrying about disrespecting your parent’s legacy. At least I hope you are. If you’re the type of person who still refers to the work your teachers give you to do after school as “homework”; hell, if you’re still referring to your teachers as teachers and not professors, you might want to log off right now.

For the rest of you grown folks who are still here, let’s move onto today’s lesson. Peep game:

Ladies, every now and then, you need to talk to your man like a h*e. I have a neighbor who lives downstairs from me, older woman. At least once a week, whenever I see her, you know what she says to me? “Young man, if I was 20 years younger…”

That’s no way to talk to me, but then again, it is.

You’re either scoffing or rolling your eyes at this advice. If you’re doing either of these, I feel bad for your lack of imagination and unwillingness to learn new things. But if you just chuckled or rubbed your chin with curiousity, congratulations. You’re obviously into keeping your man.

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