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And We’re Back…

November 12th, 2013 No comments

The Until I Get Married Podcast is back. If you have a question to ask send it to ask.fm/jozenc or feedback@untiligetmarried.com.
Please subscribe on iTunes under Jozen Cummings.

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You Have Your Whole Life To Be Single

April 25th, 2012 3 comments

At the bottom of this post is my response for the last question of “Poppin’ Questions Podcast 35.” I bring this to your attention because it is where I repeat a phrase I wrote in my first installment of “‘Until I Get Married’ Relationship Facts.”

“You have your whole life to be single” was my response to a question from a young man who emailed me recently. Here is his question:

I’m turning 20 this Sunday. I have a best friend (and I really mean best friend), and of course she’s female. It’s one of those relationships where we’re we became good friends,then started to like each other, but couldn’t be together because she went off to college out of state. I’m sure I don’t have to explain how I feel about her. She tries to control her emotions and feelings towards me so she doesn’t get hurt; something that she’s learned to do from situations with numerous guys that have played her. It’s really hard for me sometimes. Now, I’m not interested in a relationship with anyone else. But do you think I’m wasting my time when I could be living the “single life” like so many my age are? Is there a point to be worrying about a girl I’m not with?

As I said, you can see or hear my response in the video at the bottom of the post, where I didn’t really have time to emphasize my point, so I am writing this post not only for the guy who emailed me but all the guys who are young, in love, and probably thinking they’re doing it wrong.

Fact: You’re not going to get very many of these women in his life. People love to say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but there aren’t a lot of sharks. The woman you’re talking about is a shark and here’s what you do with sharks:

Fight for them.

Go for her and go hard for her, because love is worth all the risks.

Obviously, you recognize the difference between how you feel about this girl versus how you feel about other girls. It’s different, and if you don’t think it’s different, let me ask you this: How many other girls have you so confused and lost you have to write to a relationship blogger for some guidance?

I’m pretty sure the answer is zero.

Once you understand this girl is worth your best effort, consider the risks of trying. You could fail or you could succeed and both outcomes will carry with them their own burdens.

FAILURE
Now failure, in this instance, is not a permanent thing. If the girl insists now is not the time, for the reasons she’s given you (she’s been broken-hearted, etc), fall back. Let her figure out that cynicism, at her age, is a self-inflicted sickness. Give her the head space she needs to figure that out for herself, and in the meantime continue to be her friend. Gamble away all the other chips, but always, always keep the friend chip in your pocket. It’s the only chance you have for her to see in you what you see in her now.

SUCCESS
This may be a little bit more difficult to wrap your mind around, largely because right now you think if this girl says she’s ready to be in a relationship, and you are too, what can possibly go wrong? But as the old adage goes, be careful what you wish for.

In your question was a hint of confidence that if you persisted, eventually she will believe in you and you two could be together. I also sensed how that worries you slightly because you don’t want to be the lone guy amongst your friends who is in a relationship. You don’t want to be on boyfriend duty while your guys are riding around on their own girl watch.

Stop worrying about such a thing.

What you and you friends (who are all probably around your age) have yet to realize is at some point, playing the field is more work than what it’s really worth.

I once went broke for a girl with whom I was madly in love. She lived clear across the country and the only way we could be together is if she uprooted herself and move to where I lived. Because we were both in love, this move made total sense at the time. But things happened, and eventually, after she moved out here and in with me, she moved out and we broke up.

When our relationship ended, I was so emotionally spent and exhausted, I decided to not only be single, but to focus on being single. Prior to her, I found myself constantly getting wrapped up in relationship after relationship, some lasted longer than others, but all had depth. Having undergone the experience of a relationship in which huge sacrifices were made to be together, I realized the single life was what would be best until further notice.

Over the past four years, I discovered how valuable being single can be but also how overrated it can be too. Some of the hardest times in my life were probably more difficult than they had to be largely because I had to go through them alone. I wouldn’t say I didn’t have anyone, but I certainly didn’t have the consistency of one person in my life at times when I needed it the most. The other thing I learned is, sometimes being single can take such a concerted effort on our part, we end up doing more damage to ourselves than others. I’ve met a lot of fantastic women in my single years, women who deserved all of me, but because I was so caught up in staying single, I had to break their heart to protect my own.

That was never fair to them and completely selfish of me.

Of all the lessons I learned from being single the most important was this: Going back to the fishing metaphor, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so many that you really can fish forever. No one is saying you have to fall in love with each and every one woman you meet; that’s as unhealthy as preventing every girl you meet from getting closer to you. But recognize the women who are custom made for you; the women who aren’t just good on paper, but good for you. Then, understand those women are worth the effort because you only get a few, if you’re lucky.

The choice to be single is yours, but fate or whatever higher power you believe in plays a slightly larger role in love. Sometimes it arrives at the least expected of times, and sure we can choose not to capitalize on it, but I would advise to choose differently. Just because there are plenty of fish in the sea doesn’t mean you have to fish forever.

My answer to the question in “Poppin’ Questions Podcast 35

To submit a question for consideration on a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, go here formspring.me/jozenc.

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Poppin’ Questions Podcast 35 — A Man’s Thoughts Post-Climax

April 24th, 2012 4 comments

A reader asks…

What happens when a man climaxes emotionally and pyscholgically?

Here is my awkward answer

To submit a question for consideration on a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, go here formspring.me/jozenc.

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Poppin’ Questions Podcast 35 – A Nine Year Age Difference Dissected

April 18th, 2012 No comments

A reader asks…

I’m 21 dating a 30-year-old. We get along amazingly, but we’re at a standstill because we’re questioning if a relationship is worth it. I’m still in school and not ready for marriage. I am overly mature for my age and he overlooks my age and he’s ready for marriage. What should I do?

My response, as follows

Go to formspring.me/jozenc to submit a question for consideration on a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast.

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Poppin’ Questions Podcast 35

April 17th, 2012 1 comment

The latest installment of Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up on YouTube and Podomatic.

STREAM/DOWNLOAD POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST 35 IN ITS ENTIRETY ON PODOMATIC

UntilIGetMarried.Podomatic.com

WATCH THE POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST 35 ON YOUTUBE
For those who can’t stream or download the entire podcast or prefer to hear me answer one question at a time, watch the segments on YouTube. This week, you can watch as I answer questions and cook dinner at the same time. Quite impressive, right?

Anyway, below, I answer the first question: A reader wants to know how he should handle a girlfriend who is always trying to find a way out of hanging out with him. My answer to the second question — “He Changed, She’s Worried” — can be found here.

Subscribe: Youtube.com/untiligetmarried

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About The ‘New York Times’ Cohabitation Article

April 16th, 2012 No comments

Did any of you read this story yet?

“The Downside To Cohabitation”

I urge any of you interested in the topic to do so, especially those who are thinking about living with your significant other sometime in the near future. The article, written by clinical psychologist Meg Jay, specifically targets young couples still in their 20s and it offers up some interesting facts Jay has picked up from her own research and years spent practicing psychology.

Jay writes:

Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.

Most of us are aware of the cohabitation effect, even if we don’t know what to call it. When an article from an authority as credible as The New York Times comes out basically saying the same things we’ve always known, it only serves to support every reason we ever had for not wanting to live with our partner before marriage. We see the numbers and read the horror stories about the cohabitation effect from such a young age, we go into our 20s convinced we will never make the same mistake ourselves.

Read more…

Poppin’ Questions Podcast 34

March 20th, 2012 5 comments

So on this brand new edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, I’m doing something a little bit different.

Since some of you can’t listen to the podcast whether it be through Podomatic or iTunes, Jermaine and I decided to make this accessible via YouTube. At the same time we recorded my responses to this week’s five questions, we also video recorded my responses. The same thing you hear in the audio is the same thing we recorded for YouTube.

A couple of programming notes to consider before tuning in to watch on YouTube:

I was reluctant to do this because I’m not comfortable with watching myself on video. Still, Jermaine and I thought this is a necessary evil.

The videos really aren’t meant to be watched. Nothing extraordinary is happening. I’m just answering these questions into the camera. I’m not dancing, I’m not cooking, I’m not even standing up, so don’t watch these with this anticipation something amazing is going to happen. The only amazing thing in these videos is what I’m saying.

I’m always going to wear a hat in these videos. I like hats, so if any of you hat designers want to send me a hat to wear on an upcoming podcast, hit me at info@untiligetmarried.com and I’ll send you the address where you can mail it. Dead serious about this.

Here is the first question via YouTube. To see all the questions on YouTube, click here to go to Until I Get Married’s YouTube channel. Below the video is the audio podcast for you to stream or download.

Poppin’ Questions Podcast on YouTube

To submit a question anonymously for a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, feel free to send one to the following:

Formspring.me/jozenc
Email: Feedback@untiligetmarried.com

Poppin’ Questions Podcast 33

February 10th, 2012 No comments

It’s a brand new episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, and Jozen received some great questions this week.

One reader wants to know how it makes her look if she starts sleeping with a partner from the past after being celibate for five years.

After getting out of a long-term relationship, a reader is ready to date again, but she’s not getting approached as frequently and wants to know why.

What to do when you see a best friend you had feelings for get into a relationship with someone else?

A woman is in love with the best friend of a man she used to date, what do they do?

And why it’s important to be friends after the relationship is over.

Whew, that’s a lot for 30 minutes, but it’s all here people! Enjoy the show!

Want to send a question for consideration on a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast? Of course you do, so click here. If you prefer, email a question to feedback@untiligetmarried.com.

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Poppin’ Questions Podcast Episode 32

February 1st, 2012 No comments

The voice is back, ladies and gentlemen! After a long hiatus, the Poppin’ Questions Podcast has returned. Five questions sent in by readers, five answers given by me. Really simple. Listen, enjoy and if you want a question considered for a future episode of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, click this and ask away, download or subscribe to the podcast via this link!

Poppin’ Questions Podcast 31: An Interview With My Friend For Whom I’m Trying To Find A Wife

June 17th, 2011 7 comments

In a special Poppin’ Questions Podcast, Jozen talks to his best friend about their search for his best friend’s wife. The two discuss his stance on dating as a pastor, a little bit of his family background, and try to answer all the questions people have asked since they started the search. The interview was done over the phone, so please excuse any feedback or sound issues.