Quoting oneself is one of the most egotistical, self-involved acts we can indulge ourselves in and since I am egotistical and self-involved, I quote myself often. But as someone who writes not for myself but for an audience of any size, there is nothing more flattering than when someone quotes me because I myself am a fan of the good quote. To me, it’s like the next great song: I haven’t heard it yet, but I’m always in search of it.
Those who know me know like to say I write the way I talk, and I find that to be a good thing, because even when I’m talking, I’m writing. If I say something I like, I write it down and put it away so maybe I can use it for later. Sometimes, a simple phrase I have in my head is nothing more than that, but sometimes, it’s the first step towards another 800 or so words. Even the title of this blog came out of a casual conversation I was having with a friend of mine when we were talking about some crazy night we had in New York. “Man, I’m telling you, until I get married, I’m rolling just like that.”
Today, I’m lacking the energy to come up with a single focused rant on a specific topic, so I have decided instead to write a bunch of quotes about things related to love, relationships, dating, and sex. Think Esquire magazine’s, “What I’ve Learned”.
All of these are things I have said in casual conversations with friends on Twitter, or maybe even in a past blog entry. I encourage everyone to quote them aloud to friends and family, share them in status messages on a platform of your choosing, or put them on Twitter. I have no idea if they’re worthy of such treatment, but if they are, you’re welcome.
And please, feel free to share any words of wisdom you have either come up with yourself or heard from others. Just please, make it original, none of that “I love you is never having to say you’re sorry” type of stuff.
RE: SEX ON THE FIRST DATE
All women have that no-sex-on-the-first-date rule, and all women want a reason to break it.
RE: BUYING DRINKS FOR A WOMAN
I don’t buy a drink until 2:00, because usually by that time, all they really need is a bottle of water.
If she’s empty-handed, don’t do it.
RE: BEING FRIENDS WITH AN EX
You weren’t friends in the first place, so why bother? You can’t bring a two-seater sports car back to the lot and ask for an SUV.
The key to being cool with an ex is dating someone who was cool in the first place.
RE: THE RIGHT TIME TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE
If you ever thought it was too soon, then it wasn’t that good.
RE: BIRTHDAY SEX AS A GIFT
There’s nothing special about birthday sex. That’s like wrapping my television, talking about SURPRISE!
Bring another woman into the mix. That’s a gift.
RE: NEVER TALKING AGAIN
Time will take care of that, trust me.
RE: LIVING WITH A WOMAN OR A MAN
The relationship goes into dog years. After just one year of living with that person, you will feel like you’ve been with them for seven years.
You see them go to the bathroom, and you have to act like that’s perfectly okay, like it’s natural, because it is. But then later on, when she wants to get busy, you have to act like you never saw it.
RE: THE RIGHT TIME TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE
When you’re mad at the person, that’s not a good enough reason. It’s when you’re mad at yourself for dealing with the person that it’s time to move on.
RE: MARRIED MEN
We are not alike, and if we are, that’s a problem.
RE: THE TREATMENT OF WOMEN
Why treat her as though they were my mom or my sister when she wouldn’t treat me like her father or brother? I haven’t always been the perfect son or the perfect brother, but no matter what I’ve done, my mom and my sister never wanted to disown me. But when I haven’t been the perfect boyfriend, those girls bounce.
You can treat a woman right and still do the wrong thing, and sometimes, that’s all it takes.
RE: CRYING OVER A WOMAN
I’ve seen men cry and I’ve seen men cry over a woman, and the difference is like the difference between practice and a real game.
RE: DATING ME
It’s a lot of fun, a lot of work.
I will never beat you, I can promise you that. But the whole breaking-your-heart-thing, that might happen.
I have always regretted it, even when I never got caught because I always wonder what would happen if I just would’ve told the truth.
There is no lying. There’s just two truths to every story, one of which is made up.
RE: THE TRUTH
There’s consequences to that too, and they’re almost always easier to deal with than the ones we suffer because of lying.
When I have told the truth, I never question the outcome because everything that happened is exactly what was supposed to happen.
RE: BEING SINGLE
Trust me, I’m doing every woman a favor right now.