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Archive for the ‘s#x’ Category

Finding Words to Describe a Ridiculous Feeling

December 11th, 2013 1 comment

You will have to excuse the vulgar language in this post, so Mom, because I know you read the blog, you can skip today’s post. I’d actually prefer if you did because the thought of you continuing to read is going to make me uncomfortable. I’m writing about sex, explicitly.

Moving on.

Yesterday, R. Kelly released his brand new album, Black Panties. For the sake of discussion, I’m going to assume everyone knows about R. Kelly’s music and the legacy of that music. So if you haven’t yet gotten around to hearing his latest effort, a heads up: It’s pretty much all about sex, which means it’s vintage R. Kelly. The man who has been the R in R&B for at least as many years as I’ve been listening to it has even publicly stated, “Black Panties” was a return to the classic sex album, “12 Play.” I wanted to argue that was actually his 2000 effort, TP2.com, but in actuality, if that album had a rating it would be R (no pun intended), and “Black Panties” would be XXX. It’s so sexplicit (typo intended), I’m actually surprised it’s not available for download at P0rnhub.com, but that’s neither here nor there.

If I’m writing about it, this much should be obvious: I can’t stop listening to it.

Even aficionados will tell you, as far as songwriters go, Kellz is one of the most absurd. Take a song like “I Believe I Can Fly” for instance, released in 1996. If you just listen to it, Kelly sounds like he’s hearkening some gospel roots. The “I” is not his physical self but his spiritual self. But then, when you realize it was the single from the “Space Jam” soundtrack, a movie starring Michael Jordan and a bunch of Looney Tunes cartoon characters you get the feeling this fool Kelly meant fly in the physical sense. The earnestness in his voice is too real. It’s like he actually wanted us to believe we can all fly for real, like into space and such, or at the very least, like Michael Jordan used to back in the day on the basketball court.

That’s kind of what makes R. Kelly so, well, like-able to people like me. He’s kind of in on the joke of his own lyrics. Remember his laughs at the end of “Feelin’ On Yo Booty?”

So on Black Panties, I wouldn’t say he takes his particular type of art to new heights. If anything it’s business as usual. R. Kelly gonna R. Kelly and that he does on this album. (Two very good pieces on exactly what I’m talking about can be found here and here ). But there is one song that I have played over and over and over again.

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Categories: s#x Tags:

How To Be Friends With Someone You Sleep With

March 14th, 2012 6 comments

You gonna learn today.

Assuming you care about such a thing I’m going to explain how you can be friends with the person you’re sleeping with.

First: start off as non-friends. It’s just easier that way. Sleep with an old friend, and things can be compromised, also, if you two are already friends, why are you reading this anyway?

You have to establish you’re going to sleep with each other first. Super important, people! There can’t be any will-we-won’t-we tension built-up between the parties. The only tension should be when-will-we-how-good-will-it-be type tension.

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Categories: s#x Tags:

A Man’s Tough Lesson On Sleeping With A Woman Too Soon

January 5th, 2012 25 comments

Just as I learned why I should not get intimate with a woman too soon, I also learned late in life why waiting to sleep with a woman can be a good thing for a man*. Some might think this is a way of giving in too all the preaching my commenters delivered on my last post.

They would be wrong.

Others might think I’m saying sleeping with a woman too soon is getting intimate with a woman too soon. I encourage you to read this to understand the difference.

Now with semantics out of the way, let’s move on.

As we get older, most of us wise up, realizing the error of our younger ways and how we prevent repeating such errors in the future. This is especially true in the sex department.

Men don’t like to wait for the good stuff, we’ll take ours express service. I used to think, Let’s hurry this thing up and do it already. Now I’m more like, Okay, we can wait. Like all great lessons, I learned this one the hard way with a woman playing the role of teacher.

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Categories: s#x Tags: ,

Why We Should Not Sleep In The Bed Together At Our Parents House

November 22nd, 2011 13 comments

Folks, it’s that time of year again.

People in new relationships and some in old relationships are gearing up to visit at least one set of parents for Thanksgiving. Out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is arguably the most communal, providing the perfect opportunity for many new couples to break bread (literately and figuratively) with the new person in our lives. Some of us will be making this more than just a day trip, spending nights at the parents home for a couple of days.

The sleeping arrangements behind this situation are either a judgement call or an established rule. Some of our parents establish a strict two bed, separate room policy if we’re not married. That’s the rule in my household.

Over the years, I have brought home several women to meet my mom. Since she lives in California and all these relationships began on the East Coast, all the visits involved a few nights stay at Casa De Ms. Rita’s. Under her roof, it is her rules. When it came to sharing a bed, hell, when it came to being in a room with the door closed, Ms. Rita has zero tolerance. I was 27-years-old the last time I brought a woman to my mom’s home, the rule was still in effect.

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Let’s Talk About Dental Dams For A Minute

March 10th, 2011 35 comments

In his latest stand up, “Elephant In The Room”, comedian Patrice O’Neal has a hilarious bit about safe sex and why he feels it’s a woman’s responsibility. While I don’t agree entirely with this notion, I definitely see his point, which he brings full circle in the following quote:

Here’s why [ladies] should be responsible for safe sex: How many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before… [chuckles, but no show of hands or applause from the crowd] No one’s ever used one before, huh? See what I’m saying? [Ladies] are all like, ‘Put that condom on’ but…The dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, about as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case it’s poison, to protect us from imminent danger. But [men] don’t use it because [women will] be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you and I pull out a piece of a trash bag, and you go ‘What is that?’ and I go ‘I’m just going to lay this out over your vagina just in case it kills me’ and you say ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ When we see that face, we’re like, ‘Nothing, forget it…I’d rather die than insult my way out of some p****y. I’d rather get what you got!”

It’s all jokes, so the offended can move right along as I unpack this for the rest of us mature adults to discuss.

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Categories: guys, s#x, women Tags:

For The Men Who Snore And The Girls That Sleep With Them

February 22nd, 2011 30 comments

So it’s been told to me by a few people I have a snoring problem. Nothing too bad, they say, but still, I can admit I’m self-conscious about it.

The thing is, I have slept with women who have a snoring problem, and I’m going to be honest, whenever I shared a bed with them, I always felt like stuffing their mouth with a pair of folded up socks. Because this is how I feel about their snoring, I assume this is how women feel about my snoring problem. I’m grateful for their mercy, and their patience with the problem, but what if we go to bed angry at one another? That snoring I do is only going to make matters worse. Next thing I know, the two of us are looking like Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas, with her sitting on top of me and a gun to my face talking about, “I’m tired. Stop. That. Snoring.”

To avoid such a disaster, I want to be proactive about solving this snoring problem. I did some research and I think I found a way to tone it down during night-night time. But here’s the thing, I’m hesitant because it’s not a sexy solution, and well, ladies, all I really want to know is if I choose to use this thing to help stop my snoring, can I still get some in the middle of the night or will you make me take this thing off before we do anything?

Here it is…

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Categories: dating, guys, little things, on something, s#x Tags:

Thank You For The Good Time

February 17th, 2011 28 comments

As you all know, a lot of my readers send me questions about damn near everything. I don’t think they send me these questions because they fancy me an expert on matters of the heart, sex, dating, or anything else. I figure they just want me to contribute my two cents to something they’ve been thinking about, then once I do, they go back to their own original take on whatever it is they asked me about.

I mean, they couldn’t possibly expect me to have a definitive answer for all of their questions, because some of them don’t really have a definitive answer. For instance, this latest question I am about to share with everyone.

I share it not because I don’t have my own thoughts, but because I think it’s topical enough where everyone can chime in down in the c-section. So here’s the question, below is my answer, and then below that, in the comments, let the person who wrote the question and myself know what you think. Remember, there is no wrong answer to this question, but there could be a funny one and we’d love to hear it.

The question goes:

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Categories: c-section, dating, s#x Tags:

On Keeping Count of The Number of Partners We Have Had

January 26th, 2011 26 comments

I used to have a friend who smoked pot. I knew him before he even picked up the habit, and I remember when he started getting into it. He had this weird little strategy to avoid being labeled a pot head. He would keep count of how many times he smoked.

According to him, so long as he knew how many times he blazed one, he couldn’t be a pothead. He claimed true potheads have no idea how many times they get high because they do it with such regularity, and he didn’t smoke regularly. Within the first three months of his habit, he claimed to have gotten high 152 times. For those not good at math, there are never less than 90 days, never more than 92, within that period of time, which means, my friend definitely developed smoked as often if not more than a regular pothead.

So what’s my point?

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Categories: guys, on something, s#x, women Tags:

On The Hazards of Good S*x

January 18th, 2011 7 comments

There was a point in my life where I realized not every woman I sleep with has to be my girlfriend. This reality was nothing I came to all of a sudden. It’s something I learned over time; from witnessing a pattern developing in my life. While the number of girlfriends I had was dwindling, the number of partners I had was growing. Rapidly.

Things got to a point where I could count the number of girlfriends I had on my two hands, but to count the number of partners I had would require me to become an octopus with starfish fingers. Of course, as a man, I thought none of this was wrong and all of it was as it should be. I went to college and statistics show those who do go to college get more action than those who don’t, I also wasn’t getting any uglier or any more shy, so all of this, I thought, was a natural progression. To go against it would be like going against nature or something.

But something funny is happening with me these days, another pattern if you will. The older I get, the more I grow up.

As a consequence, I’m beginning to look at this whole casual sex thing a tad bit differently. I’m not saying it’s going to stop anytime soon (who knows when that day will come?), but what I am saying is, there’s some serious drawbacks to partaking in it.

One in particular has me seriously considering slowing things down, and it’s something I had to learn on my own because back when every older person in my life had the chance to tell me all the reasons I should only sleep with those I care about, they never gave me a real good reason why. So, allow me to play sex educator for a day and break down what I have discovered is one of the huge drawbacks to casual sex.

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Categories: guys, on something, s#x Tags:

Why I Can’t Trust A Woman Who Doesn’t Own Toys

December 7th, 2010 36 comments

This is one of those posts that I have to tell my mom not to read, and my sister, and any other members of my family. So please, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sis, cousins, if you’ve gotten this far, go to another window please? Please?

As for the rest of you, who aren’t my family, this is a post I’ve wanted to write since the weekend, but been hesitant to do so. The reason: it’s basically something only I would come up with. Well, not only I, most other men might feel a similar way. Matter of fact, when I called up a couple of my boys to bounce the idea off of them, they understood my logic completely. A couple of my female friends also said the thought, though fairly typical of the mind of a man, wasn’t the most absurd thing they’ve ever heard.

So now I’m comfortable enough to break down why I don’t trust women who don’t own toys, and when I say toys, I mean the type only allowed for women 18 and older.

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Categories: game, s#x, women Tags: