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A Gift Guide From Girlfriends Of Christmas Past

December 14th, 2011 4 comments

Not all women are bad at giving gifts. Only 99 percent of them are. For the 1 percent who want to protest this fact, email me. I will email you back my mailing address so you can ship your best gift to me.

For the rest of you ladies who are humble enough to admit that every year you’re stuck figuring out what to get your man, whether it’s a new relationship or an old relationship, allow me to give you a helpful guide provided by the lovely ladies from my past.

Below are gifts received from ex-girlfriends. Some were expensive, some were under $20, but all of them were thoughtful. No matter the price on them, what made each one special is they were a reflection of my passions, my interests, and each woman’s ability to listen and pay attention. I did not ask for any of these gifts, they just took a shot based on what they knew and now, they’re in the gift hall of fame.

Enjoy the list, and to the ladies still struggling to find a gift for your man, I hope the list helps you figure out what to get him. Just remember: Make it thoughtful.

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Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I’m The One Talking

December 30th, 2010 26 comments

I know a man, he’s a friend of mine. By any measure we want to use, he is a good man. If we measure the quality of a man by education, he has that in spades. If we measure the quality of a man by physical attractiveness, I have no opinion of him, but as a couple of my ex-girlfriends have said to me, “He’s a good looking guy.” If we want to measure the quality of a man by his career, he has a stable job that involves helping others. If we want to measure the quality of a man by the good that is in his heart, well, he’s one of my best friends for a reason; as a matter of fact, if my sister were single and I had to choose one friend to match her up with, it would be this man. If we want to measure the quality of a man by his relationships with other women, he’s never cheated and never had a one night stand. If we want to measure the quality of man by his willingness to settle down and have a family, he has spoken to me countless times about how he’s ready for that phase in his life.

Did I mention he is single? Yeah, that too.

So having said all that, are any of you ladies interested in meeting this man? Probably so, but unfortunately you won’t. Here’s why.

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How To Buy A Gift For A Man (Hint, Hint)

July 16th, 2010 28 comments

It happens all the time.

A female friend of mine hits me on chat or texts me or emails me and says, “I don’t know what to get my boyfriend for his birthday, what should I do?” Now, in defense of the women who ask me this question, their ignorance can usually be attributed to their man’s apathy when it comes to receiving gifts. They ask their man what he wants for his birthday, he says he doesn’t care. Or sometimes, he buys what he wants on his own. I know I have been guilty of both in the past.

But the older I get, the more reciprocity I demand. Women always know exactly what they want for their birthday and if they don’t, they still expect something. Well, it’s time for men to start expecting and demanding the same from their women.

Even if I don’t know what I want, don’t let that be an excuse to show up empty handed on my birthday, ladies. Today, for the last post I write before my birthday on Sunday (hint, hint), a helpful how-to for all the women out there who don’t know how to buy their man a gift or what to get him when he asks for nothing.

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Five Ways To Approach Me(n)

May 13th, 2010 34 comments

My ex had game. That’s how she got me.

She was taller than the rest of the girls she came into the club with, so it was easy for me to stay focused on her. As my group and her group crossed paths, my eyes were firmly locked on her. She noticed, smiled, and as she walked by, she ran her hand across my stomach, said, “Hey” and then kept walking. She didn’t stop to talk. Just kept walking. Meanwhile I was stuck for what felt like forever but probably only two minutes. Later, I introduced myself to her.

The most advanced women, free thinkers not bound by traditionalism, understand the fine art of approaching a man and that doing so is not only acceptable, but it’s appreciated. Still, some women remain shy. They’re tired of standing around looking cute, and want to take matters into their own hand, but don’t quite know how to do so without coming off looking fast or desperate.

For these women, I have devised the following: Five ways to approach a man based on how I would like a woman to approach me. Read it, then come here.

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So When Are We Taking Me Out?

March 4th, 2010 26 comments

The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college, I lived in Detroit, a city filled to the brim with pretty women who also happen to have a good attitude about pretty much anything. They’re tough, don’t get me wrong, but through the hard shell, they’re game for pretty much anything, and they’re not timid. They see what they want, they get it.

A perfect example of this is a girl a colleague at my internship set me up with. The girl, (whose name I still remember but won’t mention for the sake of privacy) had a child, was two years older than me, and did hair. (It should be noted here, if you live in Detroit for any time longer than a month, and you date in Detroit, you will date a woman who does hair. That’s just how it goes.) We went out on probably five dates, nothing terribly exciting, but there is one thing I remember about her, one thing that sticks out to me even after all these years, and I only think this is the case because since her I haven’t met many women who do this at all.  Here it is:

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An Idea About Engagement

February 23rd, 2010 67 comments

They say an idle mind is the devil’s playground. Well, I say an idle mind is where genius happens because the other day, as I was taking a shower, I came up with an idea that I not only find brilliant, but worthy of application.

When a man asks a woman’s hand in marriage, she gets a ring and he gets a what? A “yes” one would hope, but after that, what else does he get? What kind of symbolism does he get to show he is engaged? Traditionally, none. While a woman gets to go around and flaunt a ring, an engaged man does not receive anything to show he is engaged.

Will someone tell me how this is fair? Then will someone tell me why women for so long have allowed their fiancés to go walking around looking no different than the man who isn’t engaged at all?

These questions are rhetorical. Instead of attempting to answer them, I aim to implement an alternative tradition, one that I hope other men put into practice and women will be accepting of.

As reciprocity for asking my woman’s hand in marriage, I too would like a symbol of our engagement. Something specifically for me. Here it is:

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Five Things A Woman Should Have At Her Place

February 11th, 2010 54 comments

“I got Alize at my house. I don’t drink Alize, but b*tches do.”– Katt Williams

All men have something at their place to help set the mood with the female company they entertain. Maybe it’s a bottle of Alize, like Katt Williams, or maybe it’s a copy of Clueless. Incense and candles are also common. The whole point of these things is to get a woman to feel comfortable enough to sleep with us.

Duh.

Women, on the other hand, never seem to have the comforts for men to enjoy.This is not to say I need certain things to get me in the mood. Trust me, the mere sight of the woman is going to be enough. But what a woman does need to provide for me is comfortable distractions.

Every time I want to leave a woman’s house, she wants to know why. Well, it’s not because I don’t like her. It’s because her place is boring as hell or it’s missing certain things I need.

Comfortable distractions can serve one of two purposes. For the women who invite me over for some platonic company, who don’t want to sleep with me, comfortable distractions are a great way to keep me focused on something other than her body. For the women who do invite me over to sleep with them, but would like me to stay for a while afterward, comfortable distractions will help me stay put. They won’t distract me from her, but they will distract me from what’s going on outside of her four walls.

Women, I’m sorry to say, are not enough sometimes. They, like me and my brethren, need to have the comforts too.

So ladies, consider this my Valentine’s Day gift to all of you. Five things you should have in your place to get a man to come over and stay a little while longer. Happy

Valentine’s Day.

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On Laughing

December 21st, 2009 22 comments

Last night, as I was getting into my bed, from the kitchen, I heard my mom laugh. Then, right behind her, my step-dad laughed too. They weren’t guffaws, the kinds of laughs that come from the gut, they were chuckles, stuttered, and through the teeth. One might even say, they were audible smiles.

It made my night, to hear those laughs, because, I honestly can’t remember hearing my mom ever laugh like that with any man. Well, any man besides her son of course. One time, when I was in the fourth grade, one of my homework assignments was to use the week’s list of spelling words in a story. And I don’t remember the exact combination of words I used in this one sentence of the story, but I do remember telling my mom the sentence, while we were driving in the car. I remember thinking it was funny when I wrote it so I wanted to share it with her and sure enough it made her laugh. I mean laugh, like, wiping-tears-from-her-eyes laugh. And that made me feel so good, to make my mom laugh so hard and I think it was then I kind of understood how important it is to make any woman I care about laugh.

If I were to ask the women I dated to list the reasons why they liked me so much, let my ability to make them laugh be in all of their top three. It’s important to me, because laughter is the sound happy makes, and I don’t only want to do it in public for everyone else to see, but in private too. Especially in private. When it’s just me and her acting as audience to each other.

When a joke has hit my woman right, and got her laughing to the point where whatever she was doing would have to wait until her laughing ceased, I never forget those jokes. The funniest jokes we tell to one another are like the greatest sex we have with one another. We don’t ever forget, and when we go back to that place in our heads, they stir up nothing but good feelings.

Men who want to stare angrily at the other men staring at their woman act as though their intensity will make men back off. But nothing says “back off” like a man making his woman laugh. No man will touch such a moment.

Things I will tell my son or any young man who asks me about love will include: Always try to be the funniest man she ever dated, and I don’t care if one of her ex-boyfriends is named Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy. Crack her up. But be careful because once a funny man, always a funny man, and if she’s not laughing like she used to it isn’t because you’re any less funny. At some point in the relationship, she had the schtick down pat, could see the jokes coming from a mile away, and still she laughed. So why did she stop? Why is she now rolling her eyes when you make a funny instead of showing her teeth? There’s something else wrong and you need to figure out what that is before giving up and going out with your boys to meet new girls who will laugh at your old jokes.

Because there is nothing more addictive than the sound of a woman’s laugh, whether it’s from our mom, our partner or the woman checking us out at the grocery store. Good laughs are like the great songs I hear on the radio, or a great quote I hear from someone else’s mouth, they stick. I never forget the good ones, the ones like I heard last night from my mother and my step-dad. They were the sound of happy.

An Extremely Important Thing A Woman Must Do

October 16th, 2009 11 comments

I may seem like the type of guy who has a lot of demands. Certainly I have already gained some notoriety for listing an unreasonable list of things women do to turn me off and those who have been reading me or know me personally may think I am too picky for my own good.

But on the contrary, I feel I don’t demand much from a woman. As a matter of fact, there’s only one thing I ask of any woman I am dating or with whom I am in a committed relationship. It’s simple, but it means the world to me. It costs her nothing, only a little bit of her time and patience.

Here it is.

Read . My. Work.

Read the drafts.

Read the final.

That being said, click on the links below to read two of my latest pieces I wrote for The Root and The Wall Street Journal’s new culture blog, Speakeasy.

“Bill Cosby’s New Rap Album”The Wall Street Journal

“Will Smith is No Frank Williams: An Interview with Michael Jai Parker aka Black Dynamite” The Root

Remember that and enjoy those.

Many thanks.

Categories: dating, things a woman should do, women Tags:

Foodie Calls

September 18th, 2009 40 comments

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop on a lazy Sunday afternoon, when out of nowhere a female friend of mine hit me up on Instant Messenger.

Female Friend: Whatchu doing

Me: Writing

Female Friend: How long are you going to be?

Me: I don’t know. Why?

Female Friend: Me and my girl are making some crab legs with Mac n’ Cheese. If you’d like, you can come over.

Me: Hell yeah. What time?

Female Friend: Umm, we’re still cooking, everything should be ready in like two hours.

Me: Cool. I’ll be there.

Female Friend: See you then

My God, I thought. This is better than getting invited over for sex.

What I would like these days, more than a woman to invite me over for sex is a woman to invite me over for a good meal. One that she made. Just for me. Sort of like my friend did a few weeks ago.

I want to get a phone call, at like 6:00 p.m. Not 11:00 p.m. I want the person’s voice on the other end of the phone to be a woman. I want her to say, “Hey, what are you doing right now?” When I say, “Umm, nothing. Chilling. Watching SportsCenter.” I want her to say, “You hungry?”And when I say, “Yeah, I was actually about to eat right now.” I want her to say, “Don’t. Come over. I’m cooking dinner.”

Now that right there is sexy.

To be clear, I still covet the random, out-of-nowhere booty call. Love them, as a matter of fact. So this is not to say the booty calls should stop. They should keep coming.

I repeat. The booty calls should keep coming.

But a phone call to cook for me? A foodie call? If you ask me, women aren’t doing this enough.

There needs to be balance. If a woman is down to share her body with me, she should be down to share a  cooked meal with me. And forget that rhetoric about how cooking is something reserved for boyfriends. Technically, so is sex. So why can’t I have both?

Most men would still prefer the booty call over the foodie call, but for me, most booty calls I receive nowadays get the Ignore button. Why? Because I’m hungry. A foodie call on the other hand, will not only be picked up on the first ring, but before she hangs up, I will be sitting at her table, fork and knife in hand. We can have sex for dessert.

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