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Archive for the ‘women’ Category

Other Questions You Can Ask A Victim of Domestic Violence

September 10th, 2014 4 comments

Let’s start with the facts: That we never know the full story. Whether it’s a domestic violence situation close to home or it’s one being played out on the news documented by security cameras, we will only know what we saw and what we’re told. Naturally, we all have questions, and most of them come from a good place, and valid, but some of them, while well-intended, are poorly executed.

Case in point, this question I have heard a lot since Monday when TMZ Sports released video footage of Ray Rice knocking out his wife Janay Rice in an elevator at an Atlantic City hotel.

What did she do to provoke him?

Before I get into why this question is the last question anyone should ask, here is a list of five other questions I think are better suited for not only Janay Rice, but other victims of domestic violence as well. For the sake of this post, let’s just imagine the woman we’re talking to has come to us directly to tell us she and her partner got into an argument and he physically hurt her to the point where there was visible damage. Also, because unfortunately MOST domestic violence victims do not have the benefit of video footage and therefore reports must be taken at their word, let’s say this woman is someone we believe would have no reason to lie. She is reaching out to you because she would rather go to someone she loves/trusts/respects rather than the police.

Here are the questions I would ask if a woman I cared about said her partner assaulted her:

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The Maddening, Frustrating Love of A Woman

December 3rd, 2012 9 comments

The plan at first was to not go home for the holidays. There was too much work to do; home would be nice, but the rush to catch up when I came back would have me dizzy. Also, the cost of tickets felt like they were at all-time highs. Then, a woman who was once more than a friend, gave me her miles. My work schedule seemed more flexible, and though it is the shortest amount of time I will be home for Christmas, I was able to purchase a ticket for less than the cost me of a cab ride from Harlem to Times Square.

A couple of weeks ago, I started MMA training, for which I get the first month free. These classes are courtesy of a gift certificate given to me for Christmas last year by a woman who was once more than a friend.

Every week, someone will mention how good I smell and ask me what I’m wearing. I tell them it’s Jo Malone Oud & Bergamot, a gift given to me by a woman who was once more than a friend.

There are more women who have done more nice things for me, but I will spare you, the reader, a lengthy humblebrag because I’m not just talking about goods and services here. There is also the friend who allowed me to sleep in her bed for four nights in a row when I was going through the types of things that makes people want to never be alone. And it wasn’t just the giving of that side of her bed, but the way she would stay up with me, throughout the night, and let me go on and on about everything I was feeling.

These random acts of kindness have been on my mind a lot lately, leaving me in a state of wonderment as I think about them in full. Sometimes we like to talk about women within the vacuum of relationships; how they are as lovers, as mothers, wives, and girlfriends. As I get older, I realize a woman does not need any of these titles to be good to a man. Of course she would like them (and no one act of kindness does not a title make) but I have thought a lot about how women act independent of those titles. What I have been in awe of lately is the way a woman acts on the strength of love alone.

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Categories: women Tags:

The Evolution of Talks With Mom (Ms. Rita, to you) About Women In My Life

October 11th, 2012 1 comment

The way Mom met a girlfriend of mine for the first time was nothing like we see on sitcoms, though it did involve a sitcom.

I was in high school, and my girlfriend and I were at my house, no adult supervision, just us, sitting there watching “Saved By The Bell” on the couch like we owned the place. I promise, we weren’t doing anything, because you don’t make out on family furniture and you don’t make out during “Saved By The Bell.” Those aren’t rules, they’re laws, but I digress…

Mom came home from work earlier than I expected. She walked into the living room, saw us sitting on the couch and politely said, “Hello” which shocked me because I could’ve sworn she was going to say, “Do you pay bills in this place? I’m just wondering cause you’re acting like it by bringing this fast ass girl over here to my house and sitting on the couch with her like it’s okay. Boy, if you don’t…” But Mom played nice. I introduced the two of them, and soon after took my girlfriend back home. Maybe Mom was in a good mood that day, because I could have sworn when I came back home, she was going to be hiding in a closet and pounce on me at any moment, swinging a belt.

But Mom was in the kitchen when I walked back in the house, and only said, “You know you’re not supposed to have company over when I’m not here, especially a girl.” I told her I understood and it wouldn’t happen again, and we both agreed that meant it would happen again only I would know better not to get caught.

That was a sign, Mom was never going to be unreasonable about her son and his relationship with women.

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Categories: Family, women Tags:

Talk To Him Like A H*e

July 24th, 2012 32 comments

Today, I’m going to put you ladies onto some game your mothers might not have told you about. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure your mother told you to do the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you to do and your father dreaded the day a guy like me would come along and kick you this knowledge. But most of you who read my blog are adult enough to take this advice and use it without worrying about disrespecting your parent’s legacy. At least I hope you are. If you’re the type of person who still refers to the work your teachers give you to do after school as “homework”; hell, if you’re still referring to your teachers as teachers and not professors, you might want to log off right now.

For the rest of you grown folks who are still here, let’s move onto today’s lesson. Peep game:

Ladies, every now and then, you need to talk to your man like a h*e. I have a neighbor who lives downstairs from me, older woman. At least once a week, whenever I see her, you know what she says to me? “Young man, if I was 20 years younger…”

That’s no way to talk to me, but then again, it is.

You’re either scoffing or rolling your eyes at this advice. If you’re doing either of these, I feel bad for your lack of imagination and unwillingness to learn new things. But if you just chuckled or rubbed your chin with curiousity, congratulations. You’re obviously into keeping your man.

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Categories: game, guys, women Tags:

Quit Asking Her To Cook Just Because She’s A Woman

July 16th, 2012 7 comments

When I was growing up in my house, the men never cooked. Gender roles were well-defined and traditional. Mom made dinner, sister helped, and us men worked outside. My grandmother owned a restaurant, a small diner in a neighboring town, and there, she was not only the proprietor, but also the cook as well. Over 12 hours a day she would spend in her restaurant’s kitchen, cooking up customer orders of classic American cuisine.

Needless to say, I loved mom’s cooking. Her tacos are the reason for my love affair with them to this day. Her porkchops are to die for, and her chicken adobo is some of the best in my hometown of Seaside. Especially when you put it over white rice. As my sister got older and she began to handle her own in the kitchen, I loved her cooking as well. And my grandmother? Forget about it. That woman can win Chopped, Iron Chef, and Top Chef at the same time.

But if there was one lesson I took from my years growing up with women who could cook, it was that this was a privilege and not a right to be had simply because I was a male and they were females. My Pop, as manly as he was, would occasionally remind me that it was no one’s responsibility to feed me, a woman’s especially. “Don’t let someone tell you it’s a woman’s job to cook,” he said. “You can feed yourself.” Every now and then if it was just the two of us at the house, he would drive his point home by making me go with him to the grocery store and pick up some cornish game hens. “Bachelor food,” he called it. “Put these in the oven, let them cook, make some rice, some veggies, there you go. This is how I survived when I didn’t have a woman. You’ll do the same.”

The cornish game hens came out right, though not tasty. They needed salt, pepper, flavor. Another time, he made me some boxed pasta, fettucini alfredo, the one that comes with a pack of sauce, and also some hot dogs which he cut up and mixed in with the pasta. If you think this is something you feed a baby, you’re right. But I was 14. To this day it remains the most disgusting meal I ever had. I sometimes think back to that dinner and wonder if I was on punishment and just didn’t know it, but Pop wasn’t really emphasizing the skills of being your own chef, as much as he was the ability to be my own chef and not let a woman affect my hunger pangs.

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Categories: dating, women Tags:

Let Your Woman Wear What She Wants

May 29th, 2012 5 comments

One of my favorite bits by Martin Lawrence is this joke he does about his girl wearing what he calls a “f*ck him dress.”* For those who don’t know what the “f*ck him dress” is, it’s basically the most provocative, edgiest, borderline-inappropriate dress in their wardrobe. Put another way, it’s the dress a woman puts on when she’s mad at her man. When she slips it on, it’s her way of saying “f*ck him.”

My first encounter with the “f*ck him dress” came in the midst of one of the worst arguments between an ex and I. To make up for some transgressions we don’t need to get into right now, I treated my ex to a day at the spa (No, that’s not how I usually apologize. Yes it was that bad.) Since I had some flowers to give her too, I told her to meet me at the spa. When she showed up, it was in a short, pink number I never saw before. The dress was so damn eye-catching I actually saw people looking at her before I saw her myself. She was making every single head turn and not in a “what is she wearing” type of way, but more so a “why is she walking alone” type of way. Keep in mind, this was in the middle of like a Thursday afternoon.

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Why She Should Never Let Her Man Fight In Front of Her

May 2nd, 2012 4 comments

If there is one thing I believe every woman wants in a man, it’s an ability to make her feel safe.

We don’t have to be the most towering or hulking figure, nor do we have to be the most decorated martial artist or a former Navy seal. I mean, those things would definitely work in our favor and make our woman feels like she lucked up on some 2-for-1 deal with a boyfriend and a bodyguard, but what’s more important is perception. She just wants us to make her feel safer when we’re around.

As I get older, I’ve become more and more hip to this idea.

No one is more aware of the large presence I don’t impose on others than I. Here’s what I’m coming with.

Height: 6’0
Weight: 175
Complexion: Light
Default face: Happy
Occupation: Writer
Hobbies: Watching Top Chef
Secret Talent: Knows how to play “Endless Love” on the piano

Now tell me, does any of that sound like a wrestler?

I have a 1-0 record in street fights, but I’m pretty sure records from middle school were exempt when I turned 18. I mean, I did go to a public middle school, so maybe I get points for street cred, but still, who am I kidding?

I’m not a fighter, but women continue to date me because not being a fighter is not the same as being willing to fight. I place a high value on making a woman feel safe. I’m like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. My woman knows before I let anything happen to her, I will let something happen to me.

Women appreciate men who have this attitude, but I always tell them don’t mistake a man’s willingness to make his woman feel safe for his ability to do so; and if she can ever stop her man from fighting in front of her, she should do so at all cost.

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Categories: dating, guys, women Tags:

More About Liking Women With Curves

May 1st, 2012 7 comments

This morning, I had the privilege of appearing on WPIX Morning News, a New York City-based news show that airs on the NYC CW affiliate. I appeared alongside Steve Covino and Rich Davis, hosts of the popular Covino & Rich Show on SiriusXM Radio.

That's yours truly in the middle

Our purpose: To discuss if race plays a role men’s preference for women. Since the segment was a part of a week-long feature WPIX Morning News is doing on women and their body types, there was an attempt to connect a man’s racial preference with his preference in body type.

To put the question bluntly: Do black and Latino men like girls with curves, and do white men like women without curves?

Since the segment was live and extremely brief, I only was able to say a few words, so I wanted to expand on the topic here. But before you read on, here is a link to watch the segment yourself.

WATCH: Jozen on WPIX Morning News

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Serious Question: Why Can’t Women Match The Bra and Panties?

March 15th, 2012 64 comments

The other day I wrote about five simple things men can do to turn women on. Nearly every woman who read it and responded said they agreed. They were like, “I mean, really, seriously guys, listen to this man! He is so right.”

Ladies, thank you.

I appreciate women co-signing my words of wisdom, but if any woman thinks for one second I don’t have some thoughts on something simple she can do to turn us men on, her species is even crazier than I thought.

Unlike the list I made for men, I have no list for the ladies. The fact is, women don’t need to do much to turn us on. Most men are such visual creatures, we get stimulated at the mere site of a shoulder, so I don’t need to write five things women need to do turn men on. I don’t even need to write three things or two things.

All ladies need to do is one thing, one simple thing, to turn men on:

Match the bra and panties.

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Categories: women Tags: ,

On Women Nagging And Men Not Listening

January 27th, 2012 8 comments

Anytime there’s an article about a specific problem in relationships and women are to blame, the whole world is tuned out as I read and study every single line with the focus of a Rhodes Scholar.

Today, the Wall Street Journal published an article entitled “Meet The Marriage Killer: It’s More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?”

The article’s writer, Elizabeth Bernstein, attempts to unpack the nagging problem amongst married couples, quoting both real couples who have gone through a nagging phase as well as psychologists who study these types of human behavior issues. As far as some numbers to support her theory of nagging being to marriage what a meteor was to the prehistoric era, Bernstein cites a study done by Dr. Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies.

Research that Dr. Markman published in 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication. “Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist,” Dr. Markman says.

As far as who is at fault for all the nagging in a relationship, no concrete numbers are given, but Bernstein does posit a theory, which I found most interesting.

Men are to blame, too, because they don’t always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn’t respond because he doesn’t know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.

In a nutshell: Women be nagging.

As a man, it warms my heart to read things like these. I thought, More women should have a friend like Bernstein advising them to quit pestering me over certain things.

Then, I read the article again (remember, Rhodes Scholar like focus), and I started to notice some holes. (To be fair, it’s just an article to provoke discussion on a particular issue. I have to say this because some people tend to think articles are supposed to solve the very problems being discussed within them.)

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