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Archive for the ‘women’ Category

If You Want A Man To Wait, Be Interesting (#OccupyThatMind)

January 19th, 2012 26 comments

Let’s resign ourselves to the idea all men care about is one thing. We know what that is, but we underestimate the extent to which it dominates a man’s thoughts.

Women get frustrated, not because they don’t think about the same thing. They most certainly do, usually when they are alone and bored. When with a man, especially a man they just met, they tap into a different part of their mind.

Even if she knows she wants to have sex with the guy, a woman controls her desire. She wants to talk about other things. The problem is these are things a man usually has no interest in talking about, like his five year plan or her five year plan.

No man wants to talk about that. Not on the first date. The first date may be too soon to talk about sex, but five year plans? Let us all do better and try harder.

Men and women are both guilty of having one track minds. Where we differ is the destination. Women want us to steer our minds in the direction they are going, but asking for such a thing is pointless because the whole reason we ask a woman out in the first place is because we want to have sex with her at some point.

Men don’t order meals they don’t want to eat, we don’t ask out women with whom we don’t want to have sex.

So this one track mind us men are guilty of having, we keep it under wraps, out of respect for the woman. The problem is waiting for her can feel like a daunting task if she does not do anything to hold our interest.

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Breakup Songs For Women At Fault

December 16th, 2011 8 comments

A couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine took to his Twitter to point out the lack of songs about men done wrong in a relationship. He said, in most breakup songs, the man is at fault.

I’m with him. Male and female artists always sing melodies about fouls committed by men, men apologizing for their mistakes, or regretting the loss of a woman once had but now only dreamt about. It’s gotten to the point where whenever I hear a song from the opposite point of view, my ears perk up. I even have a playlist called, “You Damn Right You’re Sorry, Now Say It Again.”

Even though my friend wasn’t necessarily asking for some song suggestions, I threw some of the songs I have on this playlist in his direction. There’s Trey Songz’s “Cheat On You,” Mark Morrison’s classic, “Return of the Mack,” and of course, “Next Girl” by the Black Keys. Not to be left off this playlist is Janet Jackson’s “Where Are You Now”. I love how she sounds apologetic and accountable for mistakes she made. For those who forgot exactly what that sounds like, here it is.

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The Five Best Stores To Meet Your Next Date

December 12th, 2011 14 comments

If you were a young, fine woman living in the DC-MD-VA area back in 2001, interested in purchasing some new music, there was a good chance you went to Sam Goody Music, located on the ground floor of Pentagon City mall. If you went on the right day, there was a good chance you left with more than just the album you were looking for, you left with a date with one of the store clerks as well. Of course, that store clerk was me.

Who would’ve thought, right? Certainly not the few lovely ladies I met during my time at Sam Goody. Probably nor did the women who walked into the Tower Records by the George Washington University campus when I worked there in 2003. Back in those days, I always saw my job as a perfect opportunity for me to talk to women I perhaps wouldn’t speak to in other settings. To say I took advantage would be an understatement. I capitalized and did well.

I say this not to brag. The other night I went to a stand-up performance headlined by Aziz Ansari. He had an extended rant on the difficulty of meeting perfectly normal people to date. His two biggest gripes were with bars/clubs and dating websites, both of which he said were horrible places to meet people.

Now, I don’t agree with him on either front. Clubs and bars have always worked well for me. I met the girl I’m dating now at a club, and I met my last serious girlfriend at another club. As for online dating, it’s become so commonplace I don’t think it’s bad, I just don’t think it’s as effective as it used to be.

But there are a lot of people who agree with Ansari and find both bars/clubs and online dating websites lost causes, which begs the question, where’s a good place to meet our next date? Well, my suggestion is the store. What kind of store? Glad you asked. Here are five stores, along with which gender would benefit from going into them the most. You’re welcome.

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Why We Should Not Sleep In The Bed Together At Our Parents House

November 22nd, 2011 13 comments

Folks, it’s that time of year again.

People in new relationships and some in old relationships are gearing up to visit at least one set of parents for Thanksgiving. Out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is arguably the most communal, providing the perfect opportunity for many new couples to break bread (literately and figuratively) with the new person in our lives. Some of us will be making this more than just a day trip, spending nights at the parents home for a couple of days.

The sleeping arrangements behind this situation are either a judgement call or an established rule. Some of our parents establish a strict two bed, separate room policy if we’re not married. That’s the rule in my household.

Over the years, I have brought home several women to meet my mom. Since she lives in California and all these relationships began on the East Coast, all the visits involved a few nights stay at Casa De Ms. Rita’s. Under her roof, it is her rules. When it came to sharing a bed, hell, when it came to being in a room with the door closed, Ms. Rita has zero tolerance. I was 27-years-old the last time I brought a woman to my mom’s home, the rule was still in effect.

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Why You’re Single and The Buffet Theory

October 18th, 2011 29 comments

I only wanted to share this theory with close friends because most of you have already denounced it from the minute you’ve read the title. But I’ve decided to go to the place most people tell me not to go, which is “there”. By taking it there, I am opening up myself to all types of critical backlash from women who want to tell me they’re single because they want to be and they’re happy being single and as a man, I wouldn’t know the first thing about why they’re single. All good points except for the last one because, well, frankly, I’m a man who can actually do something about your single status but don’t want to largely because you have issues you’re unwilling to resolve. But that’s neither here nor there. Your status is none of my concern, I know, and therefore this theory of mine should be none of yours.

As for the rest of you lovely ladies who do at least welcome the voice of someone who doesn’t sound like your group of girlfriends who harmonize by talking through their nasal passages, I am presenting this theory for you. Most of you all are beautiful. I know this because I meet you in person and you ask me, “Jozen why am I single?” Time and time again I wax poetic on my theories and thoughts after asking some questions about yourself. But from now on I will only respond by saying, “Go to my blog and search “buffet theory”. Your answer is there.” You will respond either one of two ways:

1) You’re a genius, I had no idea this was my problem. Thank you, Jozen.
2) You’re a genius, but I already knew this, because I’m a genius too, which means we should get together.

To the first response, you’re welcome. To the second, you’re tripping.

So here we go with a not necessarily original theory but a twist on presenting it so that maybe some of you single women out there can understand why you’re single. I’ve decided to do this in pictures so that maybe we can all understand things a little better. Some of you have a hard time reading at length, others treat my posts like scripture and end up over-dialoguing on it. Well, goodbye to all that. Here it is, the buffet theory.

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Unscientific Study Proves Girlfriends Reluctant To Help Boyfriends As Early As High School

August 31st, 2011 47 comments

The worst news I’ve read all week, without a doubt.

The other day, I was sitting on the train with an idle mind that brought me back to a memory in high school. My girlfriend at the time and I had a science class together. I hated science and I hated my teacher, which as we all know is a recipe for low test scores and sad excuses for why my homework was never done or turned in on time. My girlfriend, on the other hand, loved the subject and did well in the class.

Naturally, I would ask her for help to prepare for tests and she would do her best. I appreciated her efforts, but the night before one of our big tests, I grew tired of these endless hours of studying and asked her if for me she would take the ultimate risk. Since we sat next to each other in class, would she help me out by letting me copy some of her answers. I was smart enough to not copy every single one, and I wasn’t trying to get an A. I just needed a C on the test to average my overall grade out, and at the rate we were going, I retained enough information to get me a D at best.

Without even taking the time to look up from her study guide she flat out told me, “No.” I didn’t fight back or ask her why. We just continued to study and study hard. The next day we took the test.

One week later the results came back. I ended up with a C+. My girlfriend was happy for me and said, “See, I told you you didn’t need to copy.” She was right, I didn’t need her to copy, I also didn’t need her high-mindedness and holier-than-thou attitude polluting her ability to be a woman who rides out for her man by any means necessary, so in my head, I gave her an F in reliability, which weighted against the rest of her virtues and resulted in her being single again.

This all happened over 12 years ago, and I decided to pose the question to women who follow me on Twitter and are friends with me on Facebook when I got off the train. The question was really simple. It goes as follows:

Go back to high school, you and your man have the same class, he wants to copy your test. Do you let him? Yes or no? Simple question, don’t answer with follow-up questions, just answer it. Yes or no

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Fear Not, Funny Woman

August 4th, 2011 8 comments

This is a post I’ve been trying to write for a while, but whenever I tried, it just wouldn’t come out right. So here we go again, my attempt at expressing a dissenting opinion of a popular myth.

The common belief is funny women don’t win when it comes to relationships. I can’t link to any studies to support this theory, but I’m pretty sure most of us have heard it from other people or seen it played out one way or another.

They say a woman with a joke is something like a woman with a tool belt, sure it may be useful, but it’s unnecessary. Funny duties are a man’s responsibility, partly because when we’re out in the streets trying to seduce a woman, humor can be our best weapon. Very few of us are fortunate enough to just stand around, we have to crack a joke to take down a woman’s defenses. Women on the other hand, just have to have a nice smile and a laugh that doesn’t sound like a call to the wild.

I agree with none of this, and I bemoan anybody who does, especially other funny women.

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The Unbearable Ego of Women In Relationships

August 2nd, 2011 38 comments

All my single ladies, stand back for a minute and allow me to speak on your behalf.

I know.

You might not need me to do this, but I’m doing it anyway because someone needs to straighten out these girls in relationships, gloating about their happiness like their personal life should be featured in an episode of “Cribs”.

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Death To The Heartbreak Kid

July 25th, 2011 17 comments

She sidled up to my left and said “Hey” but it was drawn out with an infliction of affection. More like, “Haaaay.” I smiled and put my arm around her, thinking we were all good. She ducked, said “!*&%&(@*!!” then poured the drink all over me in front of hundreds of people.

This happened Saturday night, at a party. I didn’t overreact, but I did grab her and took her out a side door, down some stairs, so she could finish telling me off in front of a security guard who was there to make sure she didn’t smack me. I listened to her and didn’t give much of a response.

When she was done we went our separate ways, her upstairs, I to the bathroom to assess how wet I looked. As I looked in the mirror I thought, ‘Not too bad, at least this didn’t have cranberry juice like the last drink I had thrown at me.” Then I too went back to the party, hoping no one would stop me to say they saw what happened.

Once back on the dance floor, the party went on as usual, the woman who threw the drink at me was nowhere in sight, and I did my best to get back to having a good time, but alas, I couldn’t. Twenty minutes later I left the party. No one saw what happened (at least no one stopped me to tell me they did) but I was too embarrassed to party on.

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Thoughts On Turning 30: As It Turns Out, Women 25 And Under Aren’t So Bad

July 12th, 2011 6 comments

A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post about age differences, explaining why at my age, I preferred to date women over 25 versus women under 25. Now let me explain why all of that was a bunch of crap.

If there’s one thing I’m learning as I get older it’s that women don’t get any younger. I have always been into dating women who were my age or older, but that’s when I was younger myself. Now that I’m going on 30, those same older women I used to dig are my age, but what’s more interesting is my changing attitude towards the women who were once my age at 25, 24, and even as young as 23.

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