Writer for “30 Rock” and “Saturday Night Live”
Stand-up comedian, most recently on tour with Aziz Ansari
Winner of the 2012 Comedy Award for Best Club Comedian
One of Chris Rock’s favorite comedians
Mortal enemy of Young Jeezy

If you’re still not impressed, you’re probably a hater. Or maybe you need a little more than accolades and my tasteful cosign before you believe he’s funny. Well, pay attention this Sunday when Buress’s 1-hour stand-up special, “Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace” premiers on Comedy Central at 11 p.m.. Then, after the special, change the channel to Adult Swim at 12:30 a.m. to see Buress as a co-host on the premier of “The Eric Andre Show,”, which is sure to be the weirdest late night talk show on television.

Long time readers may remember an interview I did with Kevin Hart back in 2010. Seeing as Buress is on the cusp of blowing up like Hart did and because I’ve been a fan of Buress since last year, I had to reach out to see if he would agree to an interview. With the help of my good friend Damien Lemon (another very funny comedian you may have seen on MTV’s “Guy Code”), Buress and I were able to break bread yesterday over the phone.

Here is a condensed version of our conversation in which we talk about a bunch of stuff, including Scarlett Johansson. Even if you’re up on Hannibal, this isn’t like those other interviews you may have read with him where we talk about comedy. I mean, we do, but…Just check it out and BE SURE TO SET YOUR DVRs or tune in on Sunday to watch Buress do his thing, twice.

When Chris Rock shouted you out in Esquire, who was the first ex you took it to and said, ‘Now what?!’
Hannibal Buress: I didn’t really do that. I didn’t say, “Hey, check this out!” I did have an ex-girlfriend I reached out to, but she doesn’t have a web presence at all. My first girlfriend from college. She doesn’t have a Facebook. I don’t know if she changed her name or she made herself unsearchable. But I usually don’t go up to people and say, “Yo, this is what’s happening.”

Well, you’re going to be on TV twice this Sunday. That’s like Morgan Freeman status…
I know or Will Smith, “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” on one channel, “Men In Black I” on another.

Right, so you think that will change the way you date in a good way or bad way?
Eh, it more happens at live events and shows. When you’re doing comedy you just meet more people so that increases your chances. Something about a show, you do a good show, you have that glow when you step off stage, that show glow [laughs].

Did you ever have a celebrity crush growing up or recently, did you have a chance to meet a celebrity crush?
I can’t think of anyone growing up right now, but you know what’s funny? I didn’t exactly have a crush on her but I think she’s dope, I got to meet Scarlett Johansson.

Oh, I have a crush on her
One time I was just online and another comedian messaged me and said he knows a comic working on a movie with Scarlett Johansson and that she said I’m her favorite comedian or one of her favorite comedians.

Scarlett said that about you?
Yeah, so I’m thinking, What the? But I don’t know what to do with that information, I don’t have her email. I can’t say what’s up. A few months later though, I’m at this club in New York and sure enough Scarlett Johansson is at the club. My friend who’s with me knows her and so I said, “Introduce me, man. I heard she said I was her favorite comedian.” [laughing] So we go over and my friend says, “Hi Scarlett, this is Hannibal.” And she’s like, “Oh Hannibal! I’m a big fan! Oh shit! AH!” So we talk for a little bit, but it was just regular, you know, we ended up getting interrupted, but just a regular conversation.

Please tell me there’s more to this story.
Well, a couple months ago, I see her in that spot again…

I knew there was more
We’re by the bathroom and we’re talking. It’s all like, “Hey, what’s up? Good to see you” blah blah blah…But then I was super drunk and for some reason whenever she would walk past me in the club I would go, SCAWWWWWLETT, SCAWWWWWLETT. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I would do that.

[Hysterical laughter]
It was creepy as fuck! I saw Avengers last night, and I was watching her shoot people and stuff. That was crazy.

Well, at least you weren’t in the theater saying, SCAWWWWLETT!
[Laughs]

In your new special you talk about accidentally reaching out to a female fan of yours on Facebook who turns out to be in high school. What site is the best for hooking up on the Internet?
I’ve had some Twitter hookups. I’ve had a few Twitter meet-ups.

How many times do you go back and forth on the timeline before you take it to DMs
Maybe, I’ll do two messages on the timeline, and then I gotta go to DM quick because I don’t want people in my business like that. Then, I might go back on the timeline and delete our exchange. [laughs]

How many times have you followed a girl back just to DM them?
I don’t know. Probably a lot. [laughs]

Did you ever have a Blackplanet page?
I had one in college, but I never really used it for hooking up in college. I had a College Club page. Do you remember College Club?

I do
Yeah, I had a College Club page. I met a girl on my campus from College Club. This was 2000, 2001 so it was early as far as meeting people online. But me and my friends made a road trip just based on somebody he met from College Club. We went and stayed at this girl’s house. We made a couple road trips like that.

You ever get nervous a girl you’re meeting is crazy or what she might have going on that you don’t know about?
I just don’t like, because I have my hotel, I don’t like when I go to a girl’s spot she has hella roommates. I don’t like hearing voices. There’s people cooking and talking. I don’t want to hear that. I get up in the morning, I have to walk past people like, “Good morning. How’s it going? [laughs].

Being on the road, how difficult is it for you to get into a relationship
You know, I think I could be in love it’s just with my schedule and how much I travel, it makes it really tough. It’s hard to say to a girl, “Hey, I really like you. We have a lot of fun together but I’m only in town for six days out of the month so while I’m gone just chill out and don’t be around anybody else.”

Yeah, if they could just stay right where they’re at and not do anything…
Yeah, that’s really tough. It’d be unfair to them.

Do you feel like it would be good for you to settle down right now or is that a long way away?
I mean, it’s not a long way away. I just turned 29 and you start thinking, What else? Being single is fun but it is nice to come home to somebody, just sit around, watch a bunch of episodes of a tv show, sit at home and eat.

What city has the best women, besides the obvious ones like New York, Miami, L.A.?
[Laughs]I was just about to say, “MIAMI!”

And I knew that, so that’s why I had to get in front of it [laughs]. But really, what’s the slept-on city?
Well, you know, Miami is dope. Miami girls are really, yeah…

That’s how you know it’s hot because even when I tell you not to say Miami, you still say Miami.
[Laughs] It’s true! But no, Minneapolis.

Are you serious?
I’m 100 percent serious. Minneapolis has some cool girls. Melbourne, Australia. Also, I haven’t spent an extended time in Austin but Austin has some cool girls.

What’s your best date ever?
Well, there was this girl who lives in L.A. but came to visit me in New York in like 2010. During the day we went to see Fela!, then we went to the Knicks game against the Blazers, and she was from Portland. Then we went to watch a taping of Saturday Night Live.

Damn, you should’ve asked me out on that date. That sounds nice.
[Laughs]

Since you’re a comedian, do you ever meet a woman who’s like pressuring you to be funny?
Yeah, yeah, you know what? I just started telling this story on stage.

What happened?
I was in D.C. and I was doing shows with Aziz at the Warner Theatre where he just filmed his last special, Dangerously Delicious. So then, we went out after, this spot in D.C. called The Black Cat.

Yep, I’ve been there.
Yeah, so I met a girl there. She wasn’t at the show. She was just kicking it. We’re having drinks, dancing a little bit. And I get excited when I meet a girl and we kick it and she hasn’t seen a show. She doesn’t know what I do. It’s more special to me it’s like, I can be a person.

Right, right…
So yeah we’re kicking it, it’s going well, then we hit the streets, go to another bar. There’s people on the street who were at the show so they’re yelling, “Good show, man! Funny shit!” She’s like, “Wait, what? What do you do?” I say, “I do comedy.” We get to the second spot and then she says, “You do comedy, tell me a joke.”

Oh no…
I said, “I’m not telling you a joke.” She says, “Tell me a joke.” I said, “I’m not telling jokes.” She said, “Well if you tell a joke, I’ll show my tits.” I said, “Yo, my jokes are better than your tits.”

[Hysterical laughter] What?!
She said, “C’mon, tell me a joke and I’ll show you my tits.”

She’s still trying?
Yeah, and I was drunk so I just went on this rant about how I’ve been Emmy nominated, I’m on Comedy Central. I just went on this ego rant. She left, that’s how hard I snapped.

Wow…
Fifteen minutes later I was thinking, I could’ve just told one joke to see some titties [laughs].

[Laughs]Yeah, that’s not a bad exchange. There’s a world of men doing a lot more than you had to do to see some titties.
Right! I could’ve told a horrible joke. I could’ve told anyone’s joke. But I was just feeling myself in that moment. I mean, she was kind of a jerk, but I still could’ve told one joke if that was the deal. She wanted to show her titties, she just needed a reason. She was just trying to have fun but when people ask me that it triggers this feeling, like I just shut down. People have been doing it since I started doing comedy and it’s been nine years. I take it as an insult sometimes but I should take it case by case.

Yeah case by case. I’m sure if Scarlett Johansson would’ve given you that deal you would’ve told a joke.
[Laughs] Oh, I would’ve been like, Scarlett, what type of material do you like? You want new stuff? You want some pop culture, relationships? I have some observational stuff. I have some stuff about traveling. You travel a lot, right?

Okay, last question, and I’m sure you get this a lot but I’m going to ask anyway. Have you ever met a girl named Clarice?
Naw, I haven’t met a girl named Clarice and I also have a boycott against all the Hannibal movies because of what that movie has done to my life. I can’t watch them.

I can dig it. Well, thank you Hannibal. For real. I appreciate the time.
Hey, no problem. I’m trying to sell here so it’s been cool.

Cool, man. Peace.
Peace

Again, catch Hannibal Burress’s stand-up special “Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace” Sunday, May 20, at 11 p.m. on Comedy Central. Also, the same night, on Adult Swim at 12:30 on “The Eric Andrew Show.” For stand up dates, and more information about Hannibal, check out Hannibal’s Tumblr website. Below, a clip from Hannibal’s documentary A Week To Kill, an extra on the “Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace” DVD, which you should order here.

You’re wrong.

There’s all sorts of ways you’re unfaithful and you don’t even know it, so allow me to break it down for you.

You went to our favorite restaurant without me to order that soup we both love and you didn’t even tell me.

I was out of town and you watched our favorite show by yourself, then you proceeded to tweet about it in real time knowing good and well I stalk your Twitter.

I sent you a link to a funny post and you told me you received the same link from someone else earlier that day.

I found another toy, one you never told me about.

You watch adult films on the Internet and none of those people look like me.

Overall, the show was impressive. Porter had not only the voice but the jazz IQ to make me an instant fan, but there was one song that hit me from the very first notes Porter sang and that song was “Be Good.” Months later, when I caught him live at The Blue Note, I prayed he perform the song again as it had not yet been recorded or released on record. Thankfully, he did.

“Be Good” is also the title of Porter’s new album, which came out this year on Valentine’s Day. Even after the countless listenings I still don’t know what the song is about. I’ve gathered that it speaks to the way some women have a hold on us, but I’d love to hear what interpretations you all my have about the song.

(When watching, try to focus on the song and not that peculiar tuxedo shirt Porter is wearing)

Also, for those interested, today I made my debut for one of my favorite sites, ThoughtCatalog.com. Click here to check out, “Quit Asking Me To Watch Your Computer.”

My work will appear in their relationship column entitled, “bitterSweet,” usually authored by my friend Norelle Giancana. She along with my editor Ayana Byrd have asked me to do the thing I do here, over there, and I happily obliged.

Now that we have the formalities aside, some excerpts with links to my first two entries for The Loop 21. Enjoy and if you want to comment, I encourage you to do so there.

In the past, arguments like the ones we had would have led me straight to another woman’s arms. The uneasiness caused by the fight could be soothed by someone else. Now, after this argument, I found myself wanting to handle things a different way. I just wanted to go home and be by myself — From”Too Tired To Cheat”

…your fantasy became a reality, but you were so blind, so insatiable, you didn’t even realize you were being a ho and, what’s even more sad is that you didn’t realize how bad it made you look. — From “Don’t Be A Ho, Be A Man”

Describing the look is difficult, like describing a view only we saw. When we’re describing it to others, we’re not really talking about what we saw so much as what we felt when we saw it. To call it beautiful is to do the look a disservice. It was more than beautiful, it was….well, let’s not even bother trying to describe it, because again, it isn’t possible to do so.

But what it’s like is p0rn, that is to say, you know the look when you see the look. You never seek it out, you’re never staring at the person you love in search of it. When you see it, it will be by accident. They won’t mean to show it to you, they won’t even mean to give it to you because it’s not a face they are trying to make. The mechanics to give the look come from these feelings we have within us. Those feelings get so overwhelming, they eventually surface, all over our face, and that’s when the look reveals itself.

The moment the look is given can happen at the most random time, and that moment will never repeat itself, but if you’re lucky, you will be able to see the look again.

What will happen is, you will be sitting at the bar one night with the person you love. You two are there to be social with other friends. Somehow, the crowd of people finds a way to separate you two, and both of you are on opposite sides of the bar. They’re talking to people, you’re talking to people. Everyone is talking to everyone else. At some point, you look across the bar at this person you love and there it is, the look. It’s all of three seconds, but you permanently etch the look in your memory because you know you will never see that look again.

Years later, you and this other person are no longer together, but you two brought a child in the world. That child will be raised primarily by you, and all your friends and family will say the child looks just like you. You will smile and politely agree, but deep inside you know you see a stronger resemblance to your past love. You see the child grow and everyday the child looks more like the person who you haven’t seen in close to 14 years.

Eventually, the child starts to look more like an adult, and at no point is this more true than on the child’s prom night. The child took some pictures that evening, and the next day, the child shows the pictures to you. The child looks good, you’re proud, but the last picture the child shows you, makes you grab it out of their hands. In the picture, your child is sitting at a dinner table, staring at the camera, with a smile on their face. You hold the picture with both your hands. You sit down at the edge of your bed and you take a deep breath and then you cry, uncontrollably.

The child asks why you’re crying, rubbing your back, concerned something has gone wrong. You tell the child nothing is wrong, everything is okay. You love all the pictures, but it’s this picture, the one you’re holding that reminds you of a night you were out with the child’s other parent, long before the child was born.

You two were there to be social with other friends. Somehow, the crowd of people found a way to separate you two, and both of you ended up on opposite sides of the bar. They were talking to people, you were talking to people. Everyone was talking to everyone else. At some point, you looked across the bar at this person you loved and there it was, the look. It was all of three seconds, but you permanently etched the look in your memory because you thought you would never see that look again until you saw this picture.

That last tidbit of information shocked me if only because I know people who went to Vanderbilt, and a lot of them are smart; it’s reputation is why some people have called it the “Ivy League of the South.” And yet, Randall’s article is one of the flimsiest pieces I have read about the obesity issue amongst black women and the way it relates to men.

As recently as last week, I discussed this issue. WPIX Morning News brought me on their show to talk about it, and I wrote a post to support my appearance and flesh out my thoughts on dating women with curves. My goal was to somewhat dispel of the myth that because I like black women I like big women or, to flip it, because I like thick women, I like black women. It’s true I prefer my women tall, and have a deep appreciation for tall women with curves. I have gone crazy over a size 12 and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

But as I said in last week’s post, no matter what size a woman is, what matters most is the way she carries her size.

Every woman I have dated has been somewhat obsessed with their figure and their weight. One of my exes was on Weight Watchers when we started seeing each other. I always told her there was no reason she needed to be, but I had a change of heart when I noticed the results not in her body but her mood.

As with any weight-loss program, Weight Watchers takes an amazing amount of self-discipline. The more successful she was at sticking to the program, the better she felt about herself and as any man will tell you, a woman happy with herself is a pleasant woman to be around. This is why I kept on eating all those disgusting 100-Cal snack packs for our entire relationship.

As for the physical effects of her Weight Watchers regimen, I honestly didn’t notice a change, nor was I looking for one. She looked great all the time, from the night I met her all the way up until the day we broke up, and I always told her that.

Since I have always dated women who were self conscious about their size and their weight, I’ve always played somewhat of a role in their progress. Whether it was telling them they looked great when they thought they didn’t or asking them if they went to the gym like they said they would, I knew it was my job to motivate them when they couldn’t do it themselves. I also knew it was my job to make them forget about the things on their body they fretted about, like love handles or the extra flesh they were accumulating in certain pockets of their body.

Before I started taking care of my body by exercising and changing up the way I eat, I wasn’t really comfortable with this role. As far as I was concerned, I wasn’t watching what I ate and I definitely wasn’t going to the gym, so what credibility did I have to tell my woman she needed to stick to her diets or stay true to her gym regimen? Matter of fact, since I cared not one bit about doing any of those things for myself, I actually appreciated when my woman would not give a damn along with me. I didn’t want her staying in shape when I wasn’t staying in shape. I even once wrote a post asking how many women prefer a man who is out of shape and doesn’t care about hitting a gym.

But all of that changed when I started feeling the affects of not staying in shape and eating anything I wanted. Women still accepted me, in spite of the fact that my V below my abs turned into a U, but I found myself getting sick more often. If I was talking on the phone when I went up the stairs to my apartment, the person on the other end would always ask, “Why are you breathing hard?” I became uncomfortable in my own skin, and with no input from women whatsoever, I decided to do something about my weight.

In Randall’s article, she describes a couple of men who have attitudes similar to the one I used to have about women who worked out.

How many middle-aged white women fear their husbands will find them less attractive if their weight drops to less than 200 pounds? I have yet to meet one.

But I know many black women whose sane, handsome, successful husbands worry when their women start losing weight. My lawyer husband is one.

Another friend, a woman of color who is a tenured professor, told me that her husband, also a tenured professor and of color, begged her not to lose “the sugar down below” when she embarked on a weight-loss program.

I have no basis on which to question if Randall’s husband and the husband of her friend are genuine when they say they don’t want their woman to start losing weight. But I do know it’s something of a default statement all men make whenever their woman is trying to “get it tight, get it right.” I also know the reason many men don’t want their woman to get it together is for the same reasons I cited above, because we’re not getting it together.

Another reason: A lot of men are genuinely accepting of their woman’s size and literally don’t see what the problem is. Like the pimple on our face we swear everyone can see but no one noticed until we called attention to it, a man didn’t notice the extra roll accumulating on his woman’s stomach when she bent over until she started saying, “Look, honey! You don’t see that?”

We don’t and even if we did, why say something? To say something about it is to ask for a very uncomfortable conversation. The extra roll is not cute, and we agree something should be done about it, but if we tell a woman to stop grabbing at it in front of our eyes and how it’s turning us off, we’re wrong.

The only reason a man should ever say anything about that extra roll we see is because we care about something that’s more than skin deep.

No woman’s journey through weight loss should be about a man, it should be about her, but should a man decide to get involved, he needs to make sure it’s for her as well. Weight fluctuation may not be as noticeable to our eye, but a decline in health is not only visible, it’s audible too.

To Randall’s point, there are plenty of men out there who dub themselves “chubby chasers,” guys who like their women obese, and find a woman who weighs under 200 lbs less attractive than a woman who weighs 200+ but that doesn’t mean those men are doing their women any favors. Telling a woman not to lose weight because she would be less attractive is no less of a jerk thing to say than telling a woman if she did lose weight she would be more attractive.

If my woman weighed 200 lbs, I would have an issue with her if only because she probably isn’t healthy at 200 lbs and as her man, that concerns me.

We think we’re helping our woman out when we tell her she looks fine the way she is, that she doesn’t need to lose any weight, when the fact is, some of our women can stand to lose weight. But they shouldn’t do it for men and men should make that clear. We should encourage them to get in shape not because they will look better but because they will feel better.

Read: “Why Black Women Are Fat”

We don’t have to be the most towering or hulking figure, nor do we have to be the most decorated martial artist or a former Navy seal. I mean, those things would definitely work in our favor and make our woman feels like she lucked up on some 2-for-1 deal with a boyfriend and a bodyguard, but what’s more important is perception. She just wants us to make her feel safer when we’re around.

As I get older, I’ve become more and more hip to this idea.

No one is more aware of the large presence I don’t impose on others than I. Here’s what I’m coming with.

Height: 6’0
Weight: 175
Complexion: Light
Default face: Happy
Occupation: Writer
Hobbies: Watching Top Chef
Secret Talent: Knows how to play “Endless Love” on the piano

Now tell me, does any of that sound like a wrestler?

I have a 1-0 record in street fights, but I’m pretty sure records from middle school were exempt when I turned 18. I mean, I did go to a public middle school, so maybe I get points for street cred, but still, who am I kidding?

I’m not a fighter, but women continue to date me because not being a fighter is not the same as being willing to fight. I place a high value on making a woman feel safe. I’m like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. My woman knows before I let anything happen to her, I will let something happen to me.

Women appreciate men who have this attitude, but I always tell them don’t mistake a man’s willingness to make his woman feel safe for his ability to do so; and if she can ever stop her man from fighting in front of her, she should do so at all cost.

I know it may sound backwards. I’m not saying my woman needs to protect him the way a man needs to protect her. What I am saying is, she should not demand her man ever get physical with another man in front of her.

Of course, some men will be so determined to defend their woman or their pride, their woman won’t be able to do anything to stop him. If he wants to fight the fair one in front of his woman, it’s on him. One time, I saw a man charge after another man after his woman begged him not to do it. He did it anyway and was knocked down to the floor with one punch. His woman came running over, picked him up, and escorted him out. The whole time saying, “What did I tell you? What did I tell you?” It was embarrassing to watch.

A guy like him deserves whatever embarrassment that comes his way. His woman told him not to fight the guy, he did it anyway, and he ended up leaving with a bloody face and one arm draped over his woman’s shoulders.

But his woman did what every woman should do: Everything she can to prevent seeing her man get into an altercation.

Before a woman allows her man to fight in front of her, whether it’s for some boneheaded reason or a noble one like her honor, she needs to ask herself an important question:

How would she feel if her man loses?

Whenever I talk to women and they say a man should have no problems fighting for his girlfriend, I always ask them this question. Usually their response is one of bewilderment, and that’s because I don’t think any woman ever considers how she would feel if her man lost a fight in front of her. Even more important, I don’t think a woman considers the fact that she would probably feel differently about him and when I say differently I mean, not as good as she did before. That’s because the perception of his security has now diminished if it hasn’t vanished completely.

Fighting as adults carries some real life consequences win or lose. Should the woman’s man win the fight, he runs the risk of getting locked up and charges pressed against him. These are damages she will not have to endure herself. Maybe she might put up his bail money to get him out of holding, put something on his attorney fees should she be able to afford it, but it’s still him who has a blemish on a record all because she wanted to see her man play superhero.

Should the man lose a fight, most women have admitted to me, they would not look at him the same way they did before. So I ask, why even let things get to that boiling point?

If there is a real threat being made to my woman, I would not think twice about coming to her rescue and doing everything I could to keep her safe. It is completely reasonable for any woman to want a man to do such a thing for her. What is unreasonable is expecting or even demanding a man fight another man who committed some verbal slight or made an unwelcome cat call. If a woman expects her man to go have some words with the guy who obviously has no sense whatsoever, she needs to understand, the guy with no sense may not feel like talking to her man and what that means.

No woman should want to see her man get in a fight in front of her, because if he loses the fight, she loses the perception he could keep her safe, and when she loses that perception, he will lose her.

That's yours truly in the middle

Our purpose: To discuss if race plays a role men’s preference for women. Since the segment was a part of a week-long feature WPIX Morning News is doing on women and their body types, there was an attempt to connect a man’s racial preference with his preference in body type.

To put the question bluntly: Do black and Latino men like girls with curves, and do white men like women without curves?

Since the segment was live and extremely brief, I only was able to say a few words, so I wanted to expand on the topic here. But before you read on, here is a link to watch the segment yourself.

WATCH: Jozen on WPIX Morning News

I’ve been pretty clear on this topic before. Most folks who have read me for a while and who know me in real life know that I couldn’t lie about what kind of women I prefer even if I tried. I like black women, always have. The first girl I ever liked in second grade was black, the girl I like now is black, 90 percent of the girls I liked in between those two girls are black. Every now and then I have connected with a woman of another race, and I know the diplomatic thing to say is race doesn’t matter, but who are we kidding? If a white man dates nothing but white women, he has to face the fact he just might like white women only. So to answer the question if race plays a factor in whom we choose to date, it most certainly does, even if we’re not conscious of it.

The idea I reject is that the race we prefer denotes the type of body we prefer.

To say I like black women is not to say I like women with curves. I would gladly, and I actually have been attracted to non-black women with curves. I don’t watch “Mad Men” but I know who Christina Hendricks is. I’m going to see The Avengers this weekend, not only because Robert Downey Jr as Tony Starks is my man-crush, but because I have a thing for Scarlett Johanson, who, for those who haven’t noticed, is not skinny. Recently, Ashley Judd spoke out against media outlets who say negative things about her whenever she goes from her size two/four, to a size six/eight. Well, Ashley, should you ever read this site, just know, you can come to me at a size eight/ten and I’d still take you somewhere we can eat good together.

Being attracted to black and brown women and being attracted to women with curves is mutually exclusive. I like women with curves, no matter their race. I have been attracted to black women with a minimal amount of curves. Hell, I’ve been attracted to non-black women with non-curvaceous bodies. So really, what are we talking about here?

Looks matter, body type matters, but what matters most of all is the way a woman feels about the weight she carries, and the looks she’s been given. I understand confidence is an abstract thing, but trust me, it’s something every man notices. If you lined up two women with the exact same measurements, and look so much alike, they could be mistaken for sisters, the woman most men would choose is the one who exudes the most confidence. You think models are models because they look good? I have seen some unattractive-lookings models. I have never seen a model with low-self-esteem. Ladies, when you wake up and get ready to face the world, make sure the hair is done, the clothes look good, and whatever makeup you wear (if you wear any) is applied correctly. But most of all, make sure the posture is strong, and the chin is up. That’s what men really like.

A woman’s cosmetic beauty is only as strong as her inner beauty. I know that sounds like something our parents taught us, but as it turns out, our parents were right.

In those moments, we discussed everything: Me. You. Who would be invited to see me and you as we prepared to live life together as one.

We talked a lot about those times, with no hint of uncertainty. Somehow we knew, or rather, we felt like with the exception of the bare ring fingers we had at the moment, our future would look no different than our present.

To be fair, it was me who spoke the most of what we could be, of what I wanted us to be. You have to understand, at the moment I said anything to you, it was coming from a sincere place. I could have been strapped into a lie detector test, and the results would have showed, I never lied. I meant it when I said I could see us getting married. I meant it when I said I could live anywhere in the world with you. I meant it when I said my mother is going to love you when she meets you.

But we’re not together anymore, so getting married seems impossible. We never moved, and my mother only asks when is the last time I talked to you.

And now you think I lied to you back then; all those things I said were just things I said because they sounded good and were fun to say.

You could not be more wrong.

There is a difference between a lie and a change of heart. Back then, I never lied, and right now, I’m not lying when I say that. What also was not a lie was when I said we could no longer be. We could always talk about what caused me to steer my life in another direction, but right now I would rather not. Instead, I thought you might want to know the reasons why I filled your head with all these plans of a life together only to break them.

Us men, we get ahead of ourselves at times.

I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but again, this goes back to what I was feeling. I can’t remember exactly what my plans were the night we met, but I remember all those plans changing the first time you smiled at me. If I recall, I probably had plans to be with someone else later that night, but five minutes into our introduction, I tore up my to-do list, made a new one, and here is what it said:

TO-DO LIST

1) Being with her

Soon after that night, we became inseparable and soon after that, we found ourselves talking all the time about our future plans as individuals, and then those talks became about a future together. Maybe I should have not said anything but the fact is if I didn’t feel like we had a future together, a present between us would have ceased to exist.

All the talks we had about the future were theories in hindsight. But just because they didn’t come into fruition does not mean they were a waste or a lie. I don’t think it was ever a mistake to discuss the future with you, even though it is now in the past. The reality is, when I said I could be with you forever, I was sharing with you my dreams, dreams that did not come true, but still, dreams I had of you.

MYTH: All women want to be in a relationship.

FACT: Not all women want to be in a relationship.

MYTH: Women who don’t want to be in a relationship are not worth dating.

FACT: The best woman to take out on a date is the woman who is not searching for a relationship.

I know it may seem like a backwards idea, dating a woman who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, who isn’t hoping for a boyfriend and thinks she has no room in her life for one. If you’re one of those guys who actually wants to be in a relationship, who feels ready for a girlfriend, this idea may seem even more nonsensical. Because if you’re looking for a serious relationship with a woman, why not go for the woman who is looking to be in a serious relationship with a man?

The answer is simple: The woman who is looking for a boyfriend has an agenda.

A woman who plans her love life like she plans her weekend is a scary thing, not because commitment is scary, but because she is allowing her head to captain a journey her heart should be steering. Should I get into a relationship with this type of woman, I’m not her man so much as I’m some character in this fairy tale life she is writing every single day.

There is nothing wrong with the woman who has a plan. Plans are good, healthy even! They show organization, diligence, and a couple of other positive qualities that reflect good character. But plans are for careers, events, and traveling. Plans are not for relationships, at least not getting into them. What is good for relationships is love; genuine, heartfelt, requited love.

True love cannot be planned.

I don’t want to be a part of some woman’s schedule, I want to be a part of her life in a genuine and real way. I don’t want a woman who is waiting for a man, I want a woman who was too busy to ever see me coming, but once I arrived, was more than happy I’m in the house.

There was a woman I used to date with whom I always felt this strong connection, something unique and different from the others I previously dated. She wanted us to be in a relationship but because her career was moving her thousands of miles away from me, I didn’t feel comfortable committing. She thought a long distance relationship was going to be easy. I knew from past experiences it wouldn’t be easy. Whenever we had this difficult conversation, her usual line of attack would begin with shots at my feelings for her. She always said if I really cared about her as much as I said I did, I would give it a shot, regardless of what I went through before her.

Point for her.

Eventually, her frustration boiled over to another problem she had with me and my unwillingness to get into a relationship with her: I wasn’t working on her schedule, the one she probably concocted years ago with one of her girlfriends while painting each other’s toe nails at a sleepover.

Point taken away from her.

Her original point about how if I wanted to be in a relationship with her I would make it work, no matter the distance, became flimsier with every mention she made of how she wanted to be married by a specific year and have a family by another year. What was even more insulting was how she suggested because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, I didn’t want to get married or have a family either.

I want to get married.

I want a family.

I have always wanted those things, except for the years in my life when I knew I wanted to be single, and even then, I was open to the idea of a woman topsy-turving my plans. Being raise in an environment where the idea of family was fluid and unstable for so many years, I have wanted nothing more than one woman to call my wife and a family to call my own.

But what I want most of all is the thing that great families and great marriages are built upon: That love.

There’s not a man in the world who doesn’t want a good woman who loves him, some men want it so bad, they’ll accept it from a woman who has it all planned out. Usually these men have their own plan too, and they just want a woman who is down with the program. Godspeed to them two and their plans.

But for the rest of us, I suggest we remain steadfast in our approach to life. It’s not that we have have no plan, it’s just we’re not willing to put some things on a plan; love is one of those things.

The woman I have always been drawn too is not unavailable, she’s unafraid. She is unafraid of me, she is unafraid of love, because love can be a scary thing to a lot of people, but I’m not afraid of letting it in and I’m not afraid of letting it go. I’m willing to accept getting love wrong if only because I believe that’s one step closer to getting it right. Love is too sacred to schedule, too precious to plan.

Don’t be submit to some woman’s man draft, don’t even pay attention to a woman who has one. No matter how good a woman is, if she made plans for you before she even met you, she might not be good for you.