Until I Get Married

Let’s resign ourselves to the idea all men care about is one thing. We know what that is, but we underestimate the extent to which it dominates a man’s thoughts.

Women get frustrated, not because they don’t think about the same thing. They most certainly do, usually when they are alone and bored. When with a man, especially a man they just met, they tap into a different part of their mind.

Even if she knows she wants to have sex with the guy, a woman controls her desire. She wants to talk about other things. The problem is these are things a man usually has no interest in talking about, like his five year plan or her five year plan.

No man wants to talk about that. Not on the first date. The first date may be too soon to talk about sex, but five year plans? Let us all do better and try harder.

Men and women are both guilty of having one track minds. Where we differ is the destination. Women want us to steer our minds in the direction they are going, but asking for such a thing is pointless because the whole reason we ask a woman out in the first place is because we want to have sex with her at some point.

Men don’t order meals they don’t want to eat, we don’t ask out women with whom we don’t want to have sex.

So this one track mind us men are guilty of having, we keep it under wraps, out of respect for the woman. The problem is waiting for her can feel like a daunting task if she does not do anything to hold our interest.

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Author’s Note: Long time readers of this blog, please excuse me if I have written about something similar in the past. I do not mean to repeat myself, but this is an issue that continues to rattle my brain.

A guy once said I was a smooth talker. It was one of my best friends, and he didn’t mean it as a compliment.

We were arguing, over what I do not recall, but as I was explaining my side of the disagreement, he said, “Don’t do it, Jozen. You can talk your way out of anything. I’ve seen you do it and you won’t do it to me.”

I explained to him what I was saying was exactly what I felt and nothing about my words were intended to con my way out of an admission. If I had felt I was in the wrong, I would have no problem admitting as much. He only grew more frustrated and so did I. Defending myself was taken by him as disrespect, trivializing my words as some sort of smooth-talk was his way of slapping me in my face. Had the argument taken place in person, the end result would most likely have been fisticuffs.

The two of us were able to settle our differences eventually and we never talked about the argument again, but obviously I still remember very clearly his attack on me, and I carry it around with me to this day.

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Yep, that’s me you see below in the pages of the brand new Essence Magazine, skinny tie and all.

I, along with five other relationship bloggers, are featured in an article entitled, “The Relationship Rules.” Since I want everyone to pick up a copy for themselves (it’s the one with Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union on the cover), I won’t get into what was discussed. Instead, some context about the discussion itself.

In the issue is a condensed version of what I remember being a two-hour discussion on relationships. Let me be the first to say, two hours is a long time to discuss anything. Presidential debates don’t even last two hours, and they’re actually talking about something important. If it wasn’t for the refreshments they had in steady rotation, I probably would have fallen asleep, not from boredom, but from exhaustion.

Few conversation topics are more mentally and emotionally demanding than ones about relationships, or as I like to say, matters of the heart. At the end of our discussion, my comrades and I did not want to say a word to anyone our vocal chords were so stretched. But I remember walking away, feeling like the conversation we just had, the one not everyone was going to see or hear, was indeed, important.

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Before we get into today’s post, some context…

Not even two weeks have gone by in the new year and a lot of positive things have been happening with this blog. One of them is a recent content partnership I have developed with a brand new website called “The Checkup: With Dr. Harry Fisch” (http://thecheckup.com/).

“The Checkup” is a website devoted to one of the subjects I am most passionate about: Men’s Health. Dr. Fisch is one of the nation’s leaders in the diagnosis and treatment of men’s health issues, so when he and “The Checkup” managing editor Althea Fung asked if I wanted to be a part of their latest endeavor, I did not hesitate to say yes.

The way my partnership works is once a week, I post a topic of my choosing (and their approval) exclusively on their site. On this site, I will include a brief excerpt of the post running on “The Checkup” and provide a link to read it in its entirety.

From this partnership, some really good opportunities are in development, which I will divulge as soon as things becomes more concrete. I want to thank Althea and Dr. Fisch, as well as my business partner and brother from another, Jermaine. They’re the people who helped put this all together.

If you notice, I have turned comments off here, which will be a regular thing for these posts. My way of encouraging you folks to comment on “The Checkup” should you feel the need.

Now without further ado, a brief excerpt from my debut post on “The Checkup” followed by a link for you to read in its entirety.

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It’s a difficult conversation to have, this whole lubrication thing. To suggest bringing such an item into the bedroom is asking for a lot of uncomfortable conversations between you and your partner. She will want to know what you intend to do with the lubrication, what made you think about buying some, and what are you exactly trying to say about her.

I have no idea how to handle any of these questions. The last woman I suggested lubrication to left me alone with the bottle I purchased but not before wishing my bottle and I the best. So yeah, obviously I’m not the best spin artist. But what I would have told her before she stormed out of my apartment is that it wasn’t about a need so much as it was about a desire.

Some women like to say lubrication is not necessary, that doesn’t make a difference to men. We know the lubrication naturally provided by our bodies is sufficient, but at some point, even things that are sufficient can feel deficient. We want the lubrication to heighten the experience, not to improve it. As Astroglide says…

They’re not lying, and even if we didn’t believe them, how bad would it be to find out the truth? They have three different types: Astroglide Natural which has all this extra feel-good stuff like Aloe and Chamomile Flower Extract. Astroglide X Premium Silicone, for those of us who like to do it in jacuzzis, and Astroglide Original. Personally, I’m getting the X Premium Silicone just in case I find myself with a willing woman underneath a waterfall.

For those willing to see what all the hype is about, the kind people at Astroglide are giving away free samples of their product to my readers. All you have to do is click here, fill out the information, and boom! Just in time for Valentine’s Day (or President’s Day or Black History Month, whatever February represents to you), a gift for the gift you’re already planning on giving your man.

This post was sponsored by Astroglide

“Sh*t [insert choice of girls here] Say” has officially jumped the shark, people. We’re amused enough by it to keep watching the various renditions, but we’re all tired of it at the same time. It’s been fun and has had a good run.

Can we move on?

I don’t want to hear about what any other group of girls has to say; not a black girl, not a white girl, not a Latina girl, not an Asian girl. I don’t want to hear what an Asian girl would say to a Latina girl in front of a group of black girls who usually hang out with white girls.

What I want to see is a spin on the meme, a video about things groups of people would never say. For instance: “Sh*t White People NEVER Say To Black People” Example: Yeah, I am a little racist.. or Our first black president, pretty overrated don’t you think?

I’m fully aware a video like this might exist somewhere in the world, but I haven’t seen it. Since I didn’t feel like calling my talented friend Zach to shoot a video for this, I wrote a blog post instead.

So here it is, because I couldn’t resist, a small list of context free phrases of “Sh*t Guys NEVER Say To Girls,” inspired but completely different from the hottest Internet trend on bandwidth.

Oh, and just remember, it’s fine if you don’t think this is funny, it’s unacceptable to take it seriously. Enjoy!

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I once read a theory from my friend Bomani Jones. I can’t find it, so I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something about how the end of our civilization will not come in the form of some meteorite striking the earth or an alien invasion. Instead, some terrorist is going to figure out a way to end Google, which will immediately take us back to a time when dial-up roamed the Earth.

As far as I’m concerned, that day can’t come soon enough. I used to love Google the way everyone else loves Google. I used to think Google was awesome because when girls who were into me did a search on my name, I didn’t look half bad.

Well that all changed today when I received an email from a girl I used to date. She was talking about a movie that came out not to long ago with a friend of hers and decided to google it. Below, is the screenshot she sent me of the results.

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In my dating history, there was only one woman who loved the Pittsburgh Steelers as much as I do. How great is her love for the team? She knows the names of offensive linemen.

Most other women I dated fall into one of two categories:

A) They love the NFL, but root passionately for another team.
B) They don’t care about the NFL at all.

Those wondering why there is no C category listed for women who love football, but hate the Steelers, please note I said women I dated. I would never date a woman who hated the Steelers, at least not while we were actually dating.

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Just as I learned why I should not get intimate with a woman too soon, I also learned late in life why waiting to sleep with a woman can be a good thing for a man*. Some might think this is a way of giving in too all the preaching my commenters delivered on my last post.

They would be wrong.

Others might think I’m saying sleeping with a woman too soon is getting intimate with a woman too soon. I encourage you to read this to understand the difference.

Now with semantics out of the way, let’s move on.

As we get older, most of us wise up, realizing the error of our younger ways and how we prevent repeating such errors in the future. This is especially true in the sex department.

Men don’t like to wait for the good stuff, we’ll take ours express service. I used to think, Let’s hurry this thing up and do it already. Now I’m more like, Okay, we can wait. Like all great lessons, I learned this one the hard way with a woman playing the role of teacher.

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When we talk about being careful who we sleep with, we’re not talking about being careful with whom we’re intimate. Last year, I learned just how different those conversations are from a woman I was sleeping with. Every time we slept together, we were careful, cautious, but I was careless to ever get intimate with her.

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