Categories
Guys

Things A Man Can’t Do If He Gets Caught Cheating

Cheating is a real thing. Talking about cheating is tough, though, because there’s something even more pressing looming in the background. That’s right – the consequences. 

 Cheating’s not a good thing by any stretch of the imagination, and most cheaters tend to suffer the same consequences. What most people want to see – and in fact, what most people do see – is that a man who gets caught cheating is a man who is going to lose his partner. In many cases, though, you’re going to see something wildly different. 

 Not every relationship gets brought to an immediate end because of cheating. In fact, many women go into a mode that might be best thought of as the “relationship saver” if they find out that their partners have been cheating on them. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to give up on a long-term relationship or maybe it’s love, but many women make a conscious choice to stick around men who cheat. 

 This doesn’t mean that the relationship is going to be what it was before the cheating, though. Instead, it means that the woman in question is going to figure out the steps that are necessary to make the relationship work again. Note that it’s not the man who did the cheating that gets to make these calls – it’s the woman who was done wrong that now holds all the cards.

 What this means for men who cheat and who keep their partners is that they are suddenly thrust into a whole new world of relationship mechanics. Their partners rightfully don’t trust them, and they’re going to be left with the sinking feeling that their wives or girlfriends might be in the right to get a bit of revenge by doing the same thing. At the very least, they have to live with a reality that they’ve got to follow some important new rules to keep the women in their lives happy. These rules are, simply put, the things a man can’t do after he gets caught cheating. 

No More Media With Infidelity

 Guess what? The way that you view media is going to change radically if you choose to cheat. Remember all of those romantic comedies that are kicked off by one partner cheating on the other or by a bit of miscommunication that makes someone look like they are cheating? Those movies are absolutely not going to fly any longer because they are going to remind your wife or girlfriend of exactly what you did. This isn’t a plot device any longer – it’s a memento of what you did wrong. 

 By the way, you’ll also have to avoid those movies where a woman gets to feel liberated because she cheats on her scumbag boyfriend or husband. Why? Because you’re now the scumbag, and the woman in your life is going to see herself in the main character. If you’re incredibly lucky, she’s going to look at this movie and find a reason why you’re not worth having around. If you’re less lucky, she’s still going to get rid of you but she’s going to have her fun first. 

No Being Late

 Every move you make is going to be under scrutiny. If you’re late for something, she’s going to start thinking that you’re out somewhere that you shouldn’t be. Congratulations, you’re now in the same kind of relationship that you had with your parents when you were a teen. You’re under a curfew now, and that curfew has absolutely no wiggle room. Make sure that you’re always early so that she doesn’t have to worry about what you’re doing without her. 

No Looking At Other Women

 There’s no harm in looking, right? If your wife or girlfriend isn’t suffering from some serious self-esteem issues, he or she is going to understand that men are naturally going to glance at beautiful women when they walk by. Unfortunately for you, you’ve demonstrated exactly why there can be an awful lot of harm in just taking a look, and the woman in your life is definitely not going to put up with you taking a second glance. By the way, this isn’t just something that applies to women in real life – get ready to absolutely argue that the most beautiful movie stars in the world just don’t look that good anymore. 

No Changing Your Password

 One of the most common changes men have to make after they cheat is giving up all of their passwords, from their phone unlocks to their social media passcodes. While these passwords need to be changed from time to time, you are no longer the arbiter of if and when this is going to happen. Instead, your wife or girlfriend is the new master of all of your passwords, and you’re going to have to beg for permission to make a change so that she doesn’t feel like you’re hiding something. 

No Going Out Without Her

 Say goodbye to the days of going out with the boys because the boys didn’t stop you from cheating. You can no longer tell her that you’re just going out – you’re going to have to explain what you are doing, who you are with, and you’re going to have to account for your every move. From this point forth, she is your new chaperone, and you’re only going to get to go to the places where she can come along and watch you behave. Sorry if it was supposed to be a weekend for boys or even a private retreat for your job – if she’s not welcome there, neither are you. If you wanted her to trust you, you probably should’ve remembered not to cheat. 

 Honestly, life in a relationship after cheating doesn’t have a lot of positives. Not only is your every move going to be monitored and dissected, but you’ve committed to a grievous error of hurting someone who actually cares about you. If you’re going to cheat, you need to understand that the feature laid out in front of you is one where you have to follow all of the rules discussed here.

Categories
Dating

A Compromise On Taking Women Out To Eat

Brand new budding relationships and future exes meet up for their first date every single day. The majority of these people are likely going out to get something to eat. Now, everyone likes food, and going out to dinner is traditional. However, we need to change the dating scene so that it isn’t the immediate go-to for your next bad date before you have a good one. 

Some Reasons to Nix the Dinner Date as a First Date

What’s wrong with dinner as a first date? Well, it’s not that a dinner date is a horrible thing. It’s that there are a lot of better options for a number of reasons. Here are some of the reasons that we should nix dinner dates as a first date. 

1. Boring

There are a million of things to do with your evening. Pick something more exciting than simply going out to dinner. Ideally, pick something that involves something you and your date both enjoy. This will give you more of a chance to really bond. Be sure not to pick something only you will like. 

2. Expensive

Not many of us can go out to dinner every single night. The main reason for this is the cost involved. It’s silly to spend a lot of money on dinner when you can eat at home and spend the money on fun activities. 

3. High Pressure

Ask any server, and they will tell you that they can tell a first date as soon as they see it. It’s easy to tell when two people eating together don’t know each other well. There’s also usually some palpable nervousness from one or both of the parties. That anxiety derives from the pressure of a dinner date. Sure, you have the food to talk about, but that only maintains the conversation for so long. Plus, you need to spend time getting ready. If things don’t go well, you are stuck at the dinner until the check comes. 

4. Traditional

We live in a new, exciting time. This is a time of breaking past tradition and creating a new path. Dinner as a date is one of the most traditional dates in modern times. There are other traditions that go along with the dinner, too, such as the man paying for the bill. While many women are picking up the tab these days, it may be time to just get past the traditions all together. 

Alternatives to Consider

So, you don’t want to go to dinner. What do you do instead? Here are some suggestions for things you can do besides going out to dinner. 

1. Something Adventurous

For the couple who bonded abut exhilarating experiences, do something exciting together. You can play a sport, go indoor skydiving, or even go mountain biking. Make sure your date knows what the plan is in advance so that they can wear appropriate attire. If you burn a lot of calories during your excursion, maybe you can get a snack after. 

2. Something Creative

For the couple who bonded about artistic endeavors, it can be fun to experience something creative together. Try going to a painting class, taking in a play, or attending a local concert. You can share your favorite artists that the other person might also like, broadening each other’s knowledge about the amazing art in our world today. 

3. Something Charitable

For the couple who bonded on philanthropic pursuits, it could be a good idea to do charity together. You can help make the world a better, more beautiful place while also getting to know a great person. Talk about which charities you are involved with (or want to be involved with) and get to work. Before you plan an event, make sure you and your date are on the same page as to what charities you want to work with. The date won’t go well if your date does charity for the NRA, but you suggest a gun control event. 

4. Something Nerdy

For the couple who bonded over their love for things that are nerdy or hyper-intelligent, do something nerdy together. You can go to a comic book convention or what a famous mathematician speaks. When you’re done, you can go over your thoughts. You may even be able to challenge each other intellectually. You will get a sense of what areas you connect on and which ones you don’t. 

We all need to eat. However, we don’t all need to go to a restaurant for a first date. If you choose wisely, you will stock the odds of the date in your favor by choosing something that you will both have fun doing. You can always get breakfast some morning in the future.

Categories
Guys

More About Liking Women With Curves

Are Certain Men Predisposed to Liking Women With Curves? 

Sir Mix-a-Lot may have said it best when he rapped, “36-24-36? Only if she’s 5’3″.”

It seems that science and evolution may play a role in why many men prefer women with curves over women with a flatter shape. A study out of the University of Texas found that a majority of men prefer women with a back-to-buttocks curve of 45.5 degrees.

How did researchers determine that 45.5 degrees is the perfect back-to-buttocks curve? It’s the ideal angle for the lumbar spine because it allows women of child-bearing years to carry their pregnancies evenly, with the excess weight properly balanced over the hips.

This proper angle would mean that in ancient times, women with this 45.5 degree curve would be more likely to carry a pregnancy to full-term and not have any spine issues during or after pregnancy. Although times have changed and women are treasured for much more than their ability to bear children, this preference for curvy women still exists for many men.

Does race play a role in body-type preference?

There’s a common misconception that more black and Latino men prefer women with curves than white men. Another study showed that men of all races preferred women with a curvier shape. White men appreciate curves on a woman just as much as black and Latino men.

When a man sees curves on a woman, they almost act like a drug, activating parts of the brain that are directly linked to rewards, similar to the areas of the brain that are activated when under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This means that, regardless of their race, a majority of men prefer a woman with an hourglass figure.

A smaller waist, larger breasts, and wider hips are all signs of health and virility- something that appeals to both men and women. Even females were shown to find curvier women more attractive than thin women. The female response is different than the male response, though, with females viewing curvy women as a threat because of their attractiveness.

How much does a woman’s body shape play a role in attracting male attention?

Physical appearance is one of the first things that attract a potential mate, so it’s natural that a woman’s body shape would play a role in attracting male attention. How much it affects male attention depends on the type of relationship a man is looking for.

Researchers out of Southwestern University in Texas and Western Oregon University conducted a study on 250 men and women to determine just how much a person’s physical appearance impacted their desirability. The results of the study showed that men preferred a pretty face over a nice body if they were seeking a long-term relationship. Men seeking short-term relationships preferred a nice body.

These results indicate that the potential fertility of a partner plays a bigger role in whether or not a man finds a woman attractive. While a curvy body shape is more appealing for many men because history has shown they are more likely to be fertile and have easier pregnancies, attractive facial features play a larger role for men when seeking a long-term partner.

Do men prefer physical beauty over inner beauty?

Although a woman’s physical appearance is what initially attracts a man, their personality is what keeps them. Men prefer women who are honest, funny, and who possess a strong work ethic. Women who are lazy, stressed out, and constantly on the defensive are less attractive to men seeking long-term relationships.

The same holds true for women seeking long-term relationships with men. While the initial attractiveness comes from a man’s physical appearance, his ability to make a woman laugh, keep calm in stressful situations, and provide financial security are much more desirable than a man who lacks a sense of humor and a good work ethic.

Final Thoughts

While many men are predisposed to find women with curves more attractive than women without curves, this isn’t necessarily what keeps them interested for the long-term. A woman’s personality is what keeps a man actively engaged and more likely to stick around.

Despite the fact that a woman’s ability to bear children isn’t as important as it was in ancient times, a male’s brain is still naturally hardwired to prefer a woman with curves over a woman without. This hasn’t changed in thousands of years and it’s not likely to change any time soon. Women can rest assured that as long as those “curves are kickin'” the men will be “thinkin’ bout stickin'”.

Categories
Guys

The Four Things A Man Should Never Have To Buy For Himself

Everyone has heard of the old adage that a woman should never buy her own flowers. This was mentioned to me way too many times during my childhood, most likely as a result of my father not buying flowers for my mom as much as she thought she deserved. I never forgot that and to this day, I still go out and purchase flowers for my wife of twenty-four years at least once a month. This has probably helped me avoid a few trips to the doghouse. The appreciation she has for this small token of affection is nice as well.

In addition to flowers, I do not believe that women should ever have to buy their own jewelry or lingerie. These are items that her significant other should want to buy his woman. Both items will instill a personal connection between the purchaser and the wearer. As a man, I definitely want my wife thinking of only me when she puts on her jewelry, or more importantly some sexy lingerie, and not the salesman behind the counter at Macy’s.

To add to this list, I have been told by my children that my wife would love a day at the spa, but that she would never just go ahead and purchase it for herself. I quickly picked up on their clues and when I presented my wife with a day at the spa, she was beyond thrilled. Add that to the ‘when in doubt’ bag of ideas for birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

So that got me thinking that there must be some items that guys deserve to have bought for them as opposed to going out and picking up themselves, right? After much deliberation and discussion among my guy friends, I have come up with the four items that a man should never buy for himself.

A Nice Suit

At first you might think that purchasing a suit is too personal of a purchase to put into the hands of someone else. But when you think about it, does not the woman in your life already tell you what to wear or what clothes to purchase. Having her pick out the suit not only saves time; it will probably be the best-looking suit you could have chosen yourself. What you will need to do is schedule a time to get it tailored so that it fits properly. Now whenever you wear that suit, your special lady will smile with a sense of pride. A note of caution, just because it is OK for a woman to purchase a suit for a man, do not think for one second that the same holds true for a man purchasing a dress for a woman. A man’s role in this is clear, hold the purse and nod in agreement whenever possible.

A Fashionable Watch

Yes, we all can check the time and date by pulling out our cell phones. Unlike twenty-five or so years ago, a watch does not have much of a functional purpose. Rather, a nice timepiece is a symbol of elegance and class. Wearing a good-looking watch, along with your new suit, shows a sense of status and your woman will be proud to accompany you wherever you are headed. A nice time piece also serves as a conversational item; something you can show off and talk about with co-workers, friends, and just about anyone you meet up with. I have learned over the years that just like a woman cannot have enough bracelets and necklaces to choose from, the same can go for a man and his assortment of watches.

Cologne 

What better way to complete the whole package than a scent picked out and purchased by your lady? Above all other things, a woman will latch onto a scent and stake claim to the wearer. When a woman buys you a bottle of cologne, she is basically marking her territory. Wearing a scent that she did not purchase for you could have significant, negative consequences. A woman likes to know that her man smells the way she wants him to and that others that walk past him know, simply by the scent in the air, that this is her man. Just remember, even if you do not love the scent that she has picked out for you, she obviously likes it and we all know that this is what really matters.

Gadgets

If the way to a woman’s heart is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, then fun, exciting gadgets are the electronic equivalent to these plants. Men love gadgets of all shapes and sizes. Things as small as laser pointer key chains, all the way to laptops and drones, always put a smile on a guy’s face. There is something about taking the item out of its box and firing it up for the first time that gives a man a thrill. If the woman is strategic in her purchases, she can coax her man into getting some chores done, under the guise of playing with a new toy. I trimmed many a hedge while being played this way by my lovely wife.

While developing this list, I came up with a few other items, all of lesser importance when it comes to men not purchasing them for themselves, but still worth mentioning. Underwear and ties – while not as flashy as suits and watches, these are items guys rarely would buy for themselves, but appreciate when purchased for them. Books – while not necessarily a no-no for a guy to buy himself, if the man is an avid reader, the woman in his life should know the type of books he likes to read. Sporting events and concert tickets – men loved to be surprised with an outing, much the same way women look forward to their spa day. The biggest draw back through to this purchase is determining who you should, rather than who you want, to take to the event. I caution every man to tread lightly here and take any hints that your woman may give you.

Categories
Guys

Abortion: What It Feels Like For A Man

Many stories begin with the what and justify the conclusion with the why. The story you’ll read today won’t be that story. You see, the why here is that abortion, from a man’s perspective, is quite different than that of a female. The why was my only sense of control, and I cling to it as both my forgiveness and responsibility.

The difference here is not a political statement. It’s not a religious statement. It’s not even a medical statement on technicalities. It’s simply a biological fact, and that biological fact often leaves the man in the situation without any choice but with the same ending as the female.

The above isn’t an effort to pit male perspective against female perspective. It’s not based on news headlines or the political strife that the topic of abortion brings to religion and politics. It’s not an effort to distinguish good and bad or right and wrong. It’s a fact from my own experience with abortion. The why is that I didn’t have a choice in the biological material that I wasn’t as careful and protective over as I should have been. The result is a lifetime of what-ifs that can never be answered because I wasn’t given a chance to voice them.

My story begins with a girl in a blue dress and pigtails in her hair. She was easily the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, but she was also kind, empathetic, smart, brave, and sincere. With a career military father, she had also already seen the world. Her unique presence felt like a gift, and I grew to care deeply for her. But, as most childhood sweetheart love stories go, this ended all too soon. I only had two short, platonic years with her before her father was relocated.

We promised to stay in touch with letters. Hey, it was the 90s, and cellphones were for the Donald Trumps of America, not small-town fellas like myself. We wrote a few times, but the luster of high school activities and tangible girls eventually etched away at the long-distance communication. I still often thought of her, though. While I’d had several girlfriends, she remained that one that I wondered ‘what if.’

Life moved onward, and I found myself in college with her still in the back of mind. Where was she? Was she married with a family, or did she make it to her dream college in California? Again, my life at-hand would always take me away from thoughts of the ‘what if.’ Until…

My Senior year included a course on Intimacy in American Lit. We were asked to ponder all that separates us in order to discover what truly brings us together. She immediately came to mind. Why didn’t I make more effort to write after we separated? Why didn’t she? We were an intimacy that I’d never felt before, and that’s saying a lot considering it was a platonic relationship.

I had to know.

Her name was quite unusual, and AOL’s AIM made finding and connecting with long-lost acquaintances a feasible task. It took me exactly 12 minutes to locate her and type out a very cheesy, “Hey, you may not even remember me, but…” message. I waited and waited for a response before finally laying in bed, unable to sleep. It didn’t matter if it was 5 a.m., that was the sweetest “ding” I’d ever heard.

I hurried to the computer. She’d responded. With trembling fingers, I opened the Instant Message to see if she’d forgotten me. Once we confirmed we really were who we claimed to be by answering the name of our 6th Grade Math teacher, we chatted for hours. I missed my classes. She missed work. Neither of us cared. When our fingers felt like slabs of lead, we moved to the telephone.

Her voice was just as sweet as I’d remembered, but she wasn’t living the life ambitions she’d shared with me as an adolescent. Instead, she had joined the military right out of high school. She became pregnant by someone she met in basic training, and they married for a short period of time. While it didn’t work out, they co-parent well from different stations. I learned that one of the main reasons they didn’t work out is that she had a very traumatic childbirth, which left it unsafe for her to have more children.

None of the details of her life changed my opinion that she was one of the most amazing people I’d ever known. If anything, knowing all she had endured and overcome raised the bar. The ‘why’ of why I called fell by the wayside as we both just focused on the present reconnection and who we are versus who we had planned to become.

After several weeks of talking and messaging daily, we made plans to meet halfway during the summer and spend a couple of weeks together at the shore. Split, it was merely a two-hour drive for each of us.

Those two short weeks made up for years apart. Sadly, we lived different lives back in reality, though. For her, life would be akin to her father’s – a new place every few years and raising a child as a single military parent. For me, it would be finishing my degree and moving on to grad school in a different state. Timing, distance, circumstance, and even placement were all against us. While a beautiful time realizing the ‘what if’ of yesterday, we knew that there wouldn’t be a to be continued in our near future.

Goodbyes were hard, but there wasn’t a bit of regret or awkwardness. We had our moment, brief though it was, and maybe… just maybe… our paths would better parallel in the distant future. If it was meant to be, it would be… just later.

So, we both returned to our separate lives and left the fairytale at the shore. Before we parted, we agreed to do a check-by on the last day of every month. Nothing intimate or binding of a relationship but just a way to ensure we didn’t miss each other’s big moments or contact. We agreed to one picture and a single sentence to sum it up each month.

The first month, I got a picture of her kid with a cast and sentence that just read: “Oops, he did it again.” I snapped a test grade with the same message. It felt really good just to know she was out there, living, breathing, and adding her beauty to the world and her child.

Exactly two weeks later, I heard the ding of my IM. It was her. Maybe, it’s the fact that she’s such a rule-bound kind of person, but whatever the reason, my heart sunk the moment I saw she had veered from the plan to message ahead of schedule. Even my bones felt the wrongness of whatever was coming on the other side of the message.

Two words and an acronym.

“Call me ASAP.”

I said her name into the dead silence of a speaker. What could’ve only been seconds to reply seemed like an eternity. I wanted to scream, “Just tell me what’s wrong!” I didn’t. Whatever this was couldn’t be good and deserved my patience. “Where are you?” she asked. After assuring her that I was alone in my dorm, she began what would forever change my life.

All concern gone now, she calmly and matter of fact divulged that she was pregnant and that it had to be mine since she’d only had two sexual partners and hadn’t slept with her ex-husband since long before the divorce. I had no cause not to believe her, and for a split second, my heart filled with hope and joy. “A baby,” I thought. In those few seconds, my mind recalled every second of the shore and fast-forwarded to returning years later with her and my future child.

It would be a very short-lived thought, though. The sentence that followed would shipwreck me on an island of isolation and helplessness. “I’m not keeping it. I can’t keep it. I won’t keep it.” I already knew the why. She’d explained her childbirth history. It was heartbreaking when I wasn’t a factor, but now, this info felt like a nuclear explosion in my chest.

She didn’t even give me time to assess the damage before informing me that the abortion was already scheduled. “I just… well, I thought, you deserved to know,” she said softly. A deafening dial tone followed before I could respond.

The words replayed over and over in my head. I understood her why. I really did. I could accept her why as it wasn’t my life at risk. I could even reason the why of her terse abandonment of my feelings in all this as it wasn’t me facing an abortion. All justifiable selfishness. What wasn’t justified, what couldn’t be explained, reasoned, nor accepted, was her planting a seed of knowledge that she never intended to nourish.

Why tell me? No, why assure me that it’s mine when her intent was to make me and anything I could contribute or think completely irrelevant to her decision and its outcome?

She disappeared. I tried calling, texting, messages. I even drove to the base only to be turned away. I waited at the entrance for days in the hope of seeing her come or go. Nothing. She dropped a truth bomb and ghosted.

The moment was sensational, just as in movies and books. I felt like the TSL (too stupid to live) character you curse on the screen and pages. But, I swear, all that I could do was reread “Call me ASAP” and wish I’d have been the one to ghost her. It’s not a retribution or dump her before she dumps me kind of thing. My why was purely in not wanting to know a fate by which I had no say, no control, no role, no allowable contribution.

My will didn’t matter, and it shouldn’t matter, but why wake it up if the stake is that I’m 100% certain to lose? I’m man enough to put all my own needs and thoughts aside, but, at this point, she was denying both my help and input after taking the time to unload her own conscience that the pregnancy was my doing.

I’d never get to even offer that help. Five days later, my life would change again. This time with four words:

“Don’t worry. It’s done.”

Now, all hope was gone. No need for help. No need for even an apology on part for not being more careful. The kicker was that I perceived her instruction not to worry as if she had done me some gigantic favor. Maybe, she had. Maybe, she hadn’t. But, wasn’t that my body, my wellbeing, my emotion to decide, not hers?

I would’ve been willing to respect her rights, her life, her choice, even if the law didn’t demand it. I couldn’t so easily stand aside to the lack of choice she left me with in the aftermath of her decision and abortion, though. If this was information she felt I needed to know, then why would she not have the same sense of duty in allowing me to put forth my alternative ideas or confirm her decision as mine, too; offer or deny help; take accountability for my part in the situation; and make peace with the outcome?

Forget powerless and abandoned, I felt inconsequential. If creating life literally meant nothing, then what could I ever do in the future that would mean anything, something? I found myself crying tears for myself, not the life that wasn’t meant to be. I could’ve handled grieving for the latter, but self-pity wasn’t an acceptable loss.

I’d be lying if I didn’t question myself as pro-choice vs pro-life in the years that followed. As horrific as it was to be left holding a piece of info with my eyes blindfolded, my mouth gagged, and my hands tied, I remain steadfast to the stance that no man should dictate what happens inside a woman’s body. However, I gained an insight that no woman should dismiss a man’s right to closure and accountability, either.

I never heard from her again. I was blocked from all ways of contacting her. She was apparently transferred shortly after the abortion. I still wonder if anything I could’ve said or done, had the opportunity been allowed, would’ve changed the outcome. I wonder if and what she felt/feels about it all that happened so long ago. Did it change her as it did me? Does she look at other children and wonder what ours would’ve been as I do?

As for me, I picked up the pieces of my shattered mindset, and I learned to pay as much attention to the why as the what. We make all sorts of decisions in life, from what to eat to what type of person to marry. But, it’s the whys that add relative value to each decision and isolate the cause and effect of each for both ourselves and others. It’s the why that I wished she’d have asked herself in deciding if I needed to know something that she had no plan in giving me any value in the proceedings nor outcome.

I often wonder if the age of social media has caused her to stumble upon me or anonymously search for me. I’ve thought of doing it myself, but then I ask myself, “why would you do that?”

In closing, while abortion must emotionally and physically feel much differently for a woman, I hope my story offers a perspective that a man isn’t and shouldn’t be treated as if he’s inconsequential to the cause and effect of abortion.

Categories
Dating

Everyone Deserves A Date, Including A Guy Named Dan

As is often the case, I receive emails from people who have read my columns. I get comments, questions, hate mail. I hear from all types of people no matter what their situation is. This guy was named Dan, and he sent me the following message:

“I am an avid reader of the Post and I have enjoyed your Meet Market page for some time. I noticed that I can email you and ask for help with finding a date. I would very much like to get some help meeting women, and I would like to know how to proceed with you. Thank you and I hope to talk to you soon.”

I enjoy these types of messages because I know people are reading, I can bring people into the fold, and I do not need to talk people into getting help with dating. Dating can be hard, and I feel better knowing I can make a difference.

How Did We Start?

I started with all the usual questions. Are you over 21? Do you like in NYC or the immediate outlying areas? When people are interested, they sometimes live too far away, are too young, or simply have the wrong idea. In Dan’s case, he was 36 and lived on Long Island. This is perfect because there are a lot of 30-somethings on Long Island looking for mates. There are also a lot of 30-somethings in the city looking for a date. Think about it for a second. That’s what Sex and the City was all about. I simply cover the male angle most of the time.

I asked Dan to fill out the questionnaire, and he scheduled time the next day to come in for the photo for the column. When people sign up for the Meet Market, they usually do so over email. This is very common, and it helps me reach more people. This means, however, that I do not meet these people for the first time until I see them for their photo. While people are excited about the photo, they usually want to get it over with and move on with their daily grind.

What Was Dan Like?

Dan was unlike anyone I had ever met through this service, imagine if Forrest Gump’s haircut was on Adam Levine, but he was a little too shy to start Maroon 5. Gave him black-rimmed glasses that are very thick, and this very slow walk. This was the slowest walk I had ever experienced. It felt awkward walking at a normal pace, and I didn’t want to leave the guy behind. 

We got up to the studio for the photo, and I was talking to him about how the Meet Market works. This was perfectly normal, and he seemed ready for the challenge, but he did look a little apprehensive. It was as if he had something to say and didn’t want to say it. 

I always ask if our guests have any questions about the Meet Market, but he told me he needed to tell me something. He said he had OCD and Asperger’s. This didn’t change my demeanor or approach to Dan, but I needed to take a mental note of the situation if I wanted to help him.

Dan Has Different Concerns When Going On Dates

As we shook hands in the lobby, he elaborated, “I don’t know how this normally works, but I have a very hard time meeting women. Because of my condition, it is impossible to make the simplest decisions. Most women do not find that attractive because they want a man who will take charge and deal with everything. I am not that person. I know some women like to be dominant, but there is no way to find them. I hate clubs and places with loud music, and I’m terrible at approaching women because I never know what to say. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 19, and I know this is the reason why.”

I try very hard not to make this job personal, and it can be difficult when people really want to meet someone special. I am, however, not a matchmaker. I want people to go on nice dates, and I want to say something cool about them in the paper. That is my job. If someone finds the love of their life, that is great. If people don’t, that is not my fault.

The problem with Dan is that he’s different, but it’s not a problem. It’s an obstacle, and I wanted to help him overcome that obstacle as much as possible.

How Was I Going To Address This Problem?

This man was trying very hard to be upfront about his condition, and I wanted to give him the best chance to address his issues meeting women. He even knew what he needed in a woman, and I thought it was nice that he could be honest with himself. A lot of guys with issues like this blame women. Dan wasn’t blaming himself, either, but he was aware of what his challenges would be. 

I have talked to Dan a few times since he filled out the questionnaire, and he is a very good guy who has a Master’s Degree in Education. He works with a tutoring service that sends tutors to homes for kids who need help with certain subjects. He is still certified to teach, and he has developed a lot of self-awareness because he has taken the time to work on himself.

A lot of men can take a note from what Dan has to say. He was talking to me and told me, “my therapist says that I might need a woman who is in her mid-20s. While I am 36, she says that I might want someone who has as little experience with relationships as I do. We can grow together, and I look forward to that.”

More than anything, Dan understands how difficult it can be to explain his condition and find a dominant woman. He told me that he had a hard time finding a dominant woman because his desire for that type of relationship often makes him look and feel weak. “I want people to be ok with my condition, but I also want them to be ok with helping me through life and taking charge.”

Dan was also achingly honest about how this condition has impacted his life in the past, “I am very close to being a 40-year old virgin. I feel like everyone has been offered cake at a party and there is none for me.”

I Am Making A Personal Plea

I know that this is not usually how it works, but I want to give Dan a special chance to meet someone. I typically put people into the Meet Market, and I allow the women to choose. In this case, I want Dan to be the one who chooses. To that end, I am looking for women who are 21-40, living in NYC and looking to go on a date with Dan. 

I promise you, this man is incredibly kind. He is smart. He works hard, and he has a good understanding of who he is. He just needs help finding the love that he, like all of us, deserves.

If you are this person or know someone living in NYC who should have a chance to go on a date with Dan, let me know. You can email me from the contact page.

I Am Still Talking To Dan

I told Dan I would help him get a date. That was all I promised. What happens on the date is up to him. What happens on the date might be up to you. It is not my job to help Dan get married, find the white picket fence, the kids, and the lifestyle he has always wanted. That is not where I am going. You, however, can give Dan a chance to get off to a good start. If nothing else, you might make friends with Dan if you don’t hit it off. Imagine how much a lady wingman could do for his psyche. He deserves a little kindness and joy in his life.

Let people around you know that Dan is available. You might be the perfect match for Dan, and you might know someone who can help give Dan what he deserves. Everyone deserves a date, including a guy named Dan no matter his situation.

Categories
Dating

Why I’m Not Attending Church With My Girlfriend

Looking back at my first date with Dinah, we talked about God and our faith. We belonged to different churches. She was Catholic and I attend a Baptist church and was a Catholic before. We shared a common ground about religious activities and the individual connection each person has to his/her church.

Something else we shared in common is that neither Dinah nor I felt the need to evangelize to people. We both felt that religion is a personal matter that should be explored on one’s own journey. She didn’t preach her beliefs to people or demand they attend church with her every Sunday, or get into arguments about opposing beliefs. She kept her religion to herself and close to her heart.

After only two to three weeks of our initial meeting, Dinah asked me to go to church with her, it was a gentle invitation. It happened to be on a Sunday in the middle of football season during a time when a tradition takes place at my brother’s place…football games every Sunday. It is a time both my brother and I make priority to share with each other. I would not think about trading that special time for going to service instead.

Dinah understood the situation, but nonetheless, she diligently kept asking each week, which I give her credit for. One Super Bowl Sunday, Dinah and I met with my brother at his place so she could see him for the first time. Her church happens to be right around the corner and it was then that we finally went to church. We attended the 5:30 pm mass. It was very quick and she suspected that it was because of the game.

Although I happily attended the mass without hesitation, instead of dragging my feet into it, I honestly still felt like the spotlight was on me. I don’t think she intended to come off that way, it was a coincidence we would be near her church that day, it’s not like she was trying to push me into it.

To ensure she knew that church was important I accepted the invitation, I wanted her to get the right message. I could not decline this time.

The church is in fact very important to me, but my regular attendance doesn’t reflect that in particular. In 2014, I didn’t attend church once. And, in 2013, I probably attended church no more than 10 times. The last memory of regular church services was in 2012, but I still can’t say that it was every single week. I have held high regard for the value of attending church. I cannot openly say to someone that I don’t care about going to church or that is not my thing.

It doesn’t take much for me to want to go and commune with God on a Sunday. It doesn’t take a disaster in my life for me to want to go. I’m not the type that only goes to church on major holidays. In fact, I prefer not to go on Easter Sunday because all the seats are packed with the “once per year” churchgoers.

Attending church is very important to me, but I don’t feel the need to be so strict on myself. If I feel like going, I will go, but if I don’t, I simply won’t. I get inspired to go because it feels good, regardless of what state of mind I find myself in. After attending a service, I always feel better than when I arrived. Never do I feel like my time was wasted and I have not felt any downsides.

There are times on Sundays that I want that day all to myself. I don’t need to find excuses for not going at times, there are activities that call my attention around town or at home. There’s no point in justifying the reason why sometimes I don’t go. It could be a new series on TV or a new restaurant in town. Even though going to church feels great, it doesn’t mean that I feel bad when I don’t attend church.

On the other hand, with my girlfriend involved and her inviting me and me politely declining her invitations, I began to think about the message I was sending and how she may interpret it. After getting to know Dinah better, I found that she is strong in her faith, a devout Catholic, and a very spiritual person. I admire this about her very much and hold it in high regard, she inspires me. I haven’t been the type of man looking for a “holy roller” but strong faith, a spiritually awake person has been a great quality to have in a woman. I like what Andre 3000 said about him finding a strong praying woman very attractive.

Being that this particular Sunday is important to many people, I had to be honest about why I won’t attend. As when Easter mass comes around and she goes, it is likely I won’t be there. It’s more than me just not feeling like it.

Growing up in the Catholic faith as an altar boy who confessed, memorized Our Father/Hail Mary, and at times was so devout. I even attended mass on a Saturday before going to prom since I wouldn’t be attending the next morning.

When I got to college I stopped going. I won’t go into details of why I’m no longer a Catholic. In general, some things about the church’s ways didn’t feel good to me. I want to emphasize that it’s just my unique perception. My family and my girl accept me this way because they know I have strong faith in God and my devotion goes deeper than any religious practice.

Religious practices are sacred to me and I would not be comfortable attending a Catholic service on a day intended to honor Jesus’ resurrection.

Many Christian couple have a favorite term “equally yoked.” It comes from Corinthians 6:14 where it is said by Paul not to be yoked together with non-believers, and light and darkness have nothing in common, as believers and non-believers have nothing in common.

When I initially heard this verse, I girl I dated in college introduced it to me and spoke about us not being equally yoked, and that’s why she could not date me. On the other hand, Dinah does not feel that way about us. I feel she would not leave me because of this concept.

I know, however, that since we’ve been dating, I have politely turned down her invitations to go to church, just about every Sunday. And on top of that, have not shown any intentions of going on my own account. I cannot take advantage of her understanding and accepting what I’ve chosen. I have decided that after Easter, I will make attending mass a priority. Perhaps I will go on Wednesdays to the service that I enjoy much more.

However it may be, I will attend because it’s important to me, not just to be on Dinah’s good side. The service for me is a time to commune with God, it is not necessarily a time for a couple to be together. It is my time for him, I feel a deep belief of that – I am ready to give him much more of my devotion at church.

I have also come to the conclusion that expressing this in writing may contradict what I said about making my faith something very personal. I just thought it was a good thing to share because it many people see religion as a priority in a relationship, that one must be compatible.

I feel good that Dinah and I feel similarly about it and that is okay if we don’t ever attend church together as long as we each practice our devotion to God. As long as we each do our individual routines on Sunday, I know we will happily come together at brunch. Like they say “a family that prays together stays together.” So long as we continue to practice our faith, I know we will see the value that we each bring to our spiritual lives. I’m sure there will be a time when we enjoy the mass service together. And, with time, we will create our unique traditions and ritual to honor our religious beliefs.

As long as the love and devotion for God are there, the goal is being met. Each individual has to determine how they will with God. The same as each couple has to determine what works particularly for them.

I am grateful that Dinah has shown understanding and flexibility. Perhaps sees in me my strong devotion to God, which is something that allows her to feel good about my church-going habits. A relationship has to explore different ways of doing things now that you’re together. As long as we put faith first in our lives, our relationship will unravel under perfect grace.

Categories
Guys

The Five Guys She Has In Her Life

Every man has different styles in which they approach women they are attracted to. Most men use the same overused pickup lines. I often wonder whether they use the same pickup line out of laziness or just because it’s what has worked for them before. A man will confidently approach a woman with a friendly conversation, offer her a drink, ask to dance with her, and if things go well, hit her with questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend?” or “Are you single?”

In as much as this question might be well-intended, most women don’t like it. When asking this, things could go south very fast. This question has a very low success rate. If you are one of the guys who use this pickup line, you are probably wondering why I’m so against this but hear me out first.

Inquiring about a woman’s relationship status gives her an easy way out. For example, if she doesn’t like you at first glance, she may shut you down by telling you she is seeing someone. Asking this question might deny you a chance to prove yourself. On the other hand, she might like you, but she is in a relationship; therefore, that question immediately puts her off. Let’s not forget no woman wants to be reminded that she isn’t single. Also, it doesn’t mean just because she’s single; she is available, so asking her might be a turn-off.

Assuming a woman is dating is the best approach, but you shouldn’t let it stop you. It helps you be confident but not aggressive in the sense that if her boyfriend is in the room, you will be in trouble. No one wants to be beaten up by their prospects. If the reasons stated above haven’t convinced you yet and you still might want to confirm her relationship status, ask her friends. It is good to have a buffer.

At any time, in a woman’s life, she has multiple guys giving her attention. Different guys in these teams play different roles in her life. Never assume you’re the only one in the race to win her over unless she says love aloud. Until then, understand you’re in a marathon with equally talented competitors. If you want to win the race, ensure you eliminate the following five competitors from the competition.

The Best Friend Who Won’t Give Up

The only advantage this guy has against you is his persistence. He does more than enough to ground his spot. She will always need him for something, whether it’s for emotional comfort, his advice on things like the college she would go to, and sometimes relationship advice. This guy is always at her beck and call. She could get married to this guy if they didn’t grow up together. However, in a couple of years, that may not matter and they could get married, so watch how he moves. The guy has grasped the art of putting forth enough effort to remain fascinating and amusing but subduing emotional effort for the long-term goal.

The Dad, Uncle Or Grandfather

Very few strong and confident women have a tight relationship with the men in their families. There is undoubtedly no way of getting rid of these men. Your best bet is to be enrolled by her and integrated into the team. You still have to earn your place. Most women vet the guys’ husband material qualities by asking the opinions of men in their life. Family men are the people she grew up admiring, therefore, their opinions matter. Before your meeting with the guys in her family, she’s telling them about you, and they are already evaluating you. Some men are more lenient than others, but they will have an opinion or two about you on some facts. Just hope they don’t discourage your woman from hooking up with you because they can. They may be wrong at times, but very few women are willing to go the hard way and prove that. Remember, these men are people she loves.

The Friend With Benefits

This type of guy is good at only one thing, and he is already ahead of you. He is intimate with her (you know what kind of intimacy I’m talking about). She doesn’t like him for anything else but that and only contacts him when she’s in “need”. She doesn’t do it often (or probably does if he’s the next-door neighbor), maybe when she wants an adventurous night or maybe when she’s drunk. She explores with him. He’s not good at anything else apart from sexually satisfying her. They probably have some arrangement that they can only be friends with benefits, nothing else. Sometimes one of them might acquire feelings eventually, and this could be an advantage for you. Do not lose hope yet. You can also be this person and more. If you got that far it means you got a chance at winning. One night she might decide that she is done with him and call you instead. When this happens, seize the opportunity and sprint to the finish line.

The One That Got Away

Both women and men have had this experience. However, you should not confuse this type of guy with an ex-boyfriend. She never had a relationship with him. This is a guy with whom she had a strong emotional connection, but that’s as far as it went. There are several reasons why they didn’t date an example being physical distance between them. However, they never really gave up on each other. Their connection still exists, so they text each other from time to time from thousands of miles away to know how each is fairing. Remember, she still thinks of what could have been with the guy and might be hopeful of a chance to date him. While you’re trying out, you better hope he does not go looking for a job in her hometown and come back. It could lower your chances of winning her over. Secure emotional connections are hard to overcome.

The Ex-Partner

Women generally have two types of exes. The ones she talks to (they probably ended things on good terms and are friends) and the ones she doesn’t talk to (probably one hurt the other). Whatever the case, these guys will be the most challenging to get ahead of, but this shouldn’t make you give up. Never forget they’re exes for a reason, and this is why you got a chance at winning. They might also be good for something I mean they dated. The main point is that they eventually realized they were not going to end up together. Don’t let her past dictate what you could have with her. Worry about what you should do to win her over and be better for her. Do not try and be better than him just simply be you and she may find your unique personality more attractive.

Even after considering all this, remember that what is meant for you will always be yours. Try your very best to win your woman over, but know when to stop. You still have other goals set to achieve. Most importantly, work on yourself and make sure you are ready for her. Grow your confidence and be the better man she needs. Get her champ!

Categories
Guys

The Misunderstanding Of Male Sensitivity

It’s crazy in today’s world that anyone questions a man’s sensitivity. You would think everyone would be “so welcoming” to every type of person. Let’s take Drake for an example. His iconic album, “Take Care” is something I’ve played a million times. Of course, he’s got crisp production and amazing lyrics, but I like it for so much more than that. This is why you may question my high levels of sensitivity, and I’m cool with that. I’ll explain why.

I have friends that say this album is just too emotional. I actually love it for that reason. Some people say Drake just sings too much. He’s a singer, so I think it’s okay he sings. His emotional lyrics and singing make for a pretty soft album. This is actually pretty artistic. I’m beginning to wonder if people want all music with just a little singing where you can’t even tell if the performer is an actual performer or just marketed as one. This album seemed to reveal how the world felt about men that could express their feelings. Drake is able to feel. He’s able to perform. He’s also able to express his feelings to his women in a whole other way. I respect this. Before him, I think the most emotional rapper ever was Tupac. He didn’t exactly sing on all of his records, but he talked it out. Tupac was my idol because he helped me understand how to talk to women. He helped me feel emotional.

I’m not trying to start a Tupac vs. Drake uproar. I’m not even saying Drake is as good as Tupac. What I’m trying to say is that they both know how to express their emotions through music. No one questions their manhood.

Most rappers are busy taking home different women each night and popping bottles in the club. Drake made it cool if you were a dude to sit at home eating ice cream watching old movies. I give him lots of respect for stepping out of that box. For years, rappers like him were told to stay out of this hip-hop culture. Rap music was supposed to be all about masculinity. There are actually guys out there that like rap that aren’t into the hoes at the club.

I have a manly side, but men also have a little bit of sensitivity even when we try to hide it. I bet some men would even admit they own a Backstreet Boys album. Drake and Tupac were the guys that first showed that rap albums were for every guy.

I dressed up as Drake one time at Halloween. All of my friends and random strangers loved it. They even said I favored him. I write with the same type of vulnerability that Drake brings out in his music. This isn’t why I love his “Take Care” album though. The main thing the album brought to the surface was how people see and respond to emotions from men. Drake even said he was tired of people viewing his honesty as being overly emotional. He had to explain that he was just fine even though he was emotional. Why do men even need to explain this?

There’s so many people in the world that mistake emotional honesty and vulnerability with being soft. It’s quite sad in today’s world that this is even an issue. This is why I don’t like to open up to women. This is why little boys are taught they can’t be honest with their feelings. Many women don’t even understand there is a difference between being soft and being emotionally honest. I’ll tell the truth to all the ladies out there. If a man has never cried over a break up with you, you didn’t have much of an impact on him. Your relationship never got deep enough to touch his emotions.

The older generations were taught crying was soft. My dad taught me all my life I wasn’t a man if I cried. He told my mom she was silly when she cried. I thought it was pretty insensitive. I thought he was just wired this way. One day I saw him crying in the garage. I wondered if it was the same man. He told me he was crying because my mother told him he didn’t love her. She questioned his love. I wasn’t even a teenager, so I was really confused. I was on my mom’s side because I thought my dad was this robot without emotions usually. I thought he just didn’t love her enough. I realized as I grew up why he was crying that day. He made mistakes. He did love her, but he couldn’t portray his emotions. This is why Drake and other men sing to women about their feelings.

If I just say, “I love you,” to a woman, she takes it in stride. I want her to truly get it. If we tell her we don’t like her, we’re being honest with our emotions. Real feelings are able to pour out on the table when we truly feel for someone. Men aren’t allowed in society to express any type of feelings or we are considered soft. The truth is that when we express feelings, we’re more of a man. We can express them however we do best. This male sensitivity should be something that is applauded. We aren’t less of a man for showing our feelings. It’s time we start teaching little boys that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to shout to the world what you’re feeling. One day, they’ll grow into a man like Drake and be able to express through their own artistic way.

Categories
Guys

The Girls That Make Me Nervous

I’m a confident guy. I know how to talk to women. I know how to play any situation because I’ve been through them all. It all comes easily to me. The problem is when “that” girl comes along. You know, the one that leaves you forgetting everything you know about every situation. I lose all my training at that time as a man. 

This doesn’t mean I’m a guy that loves love. I’ve been in love a few times, but I cannot say I was ever a sucker for love. Right now I’m just going to address the fact that guys get nervous and lose all their game around a special girl. Of course, no guy is going to admit this. They secretly know what I’m talking about. 

It starts with a girl that you find attractive. If I’m not attracted to a girl, I probably won’t feel the butterflies. Different guys have different types. You may not like the same type of girl as me. That’s just fine. The point is that if you find a girl attractive, you start to clam up. You act like the shy little boy meeting Santa for the first time. 

I cannot claim to be the smooth talker I wish I was. I always ask the general questions at first. I don’t have pick up lines. I like girls from certain places. I’m a sucker if she says she’s from Texas, Atlanta, or Los Angeles. I always follow up with a dumb sentence about how I love their hometown. I may not have ever been there, but that doesn’t matter. It connects us somehow.

I start thinking like a stereotypical girl. I don’t know how it happens. I start wondering about the first date. I wonder if she’s free. I wonder how to ask her out. I even wonder what’s she’s doing for the rest of her life. I can’t show her that I’m being this crazy, of course. I don’t want my guy friends knowing I’m thinking this way or they would make fun of me. I have to get someone to tell her for me, right. Someone has to be my wingman so I don’t have to look like I’ve lost my mind. I don’t see anyone around trying to break the ice for me, so it’s all up to me. I’m literally spinning.

Let’s move on to the next cliche topping. I am still spinning. Everything I was ever taught is out the window. The only thing I really understand is that I just don’t know what to do around her. I understand that I need to say all of these things, yet I’m just staring at her. I need to ask her out, yet I cannot. I’m just here. I hope she understands that I’m not crazy. I hope she understands I find her so fascinating that all my game is gone. I do know exactly what to say. I do know exactly what to do. The problem is that she’s taken all my magic powers.

I’ve never seen this girl. I’m nervous because I have one chance to make a first impression. I need to know why she is here. Where did she come from? She’s interrupting my usual cool guy persona. I want to refrain from saying something about the weather or something totally off subject that makes her run away.

I could be overthinking this entire event. I can’t help but go to the finish line when I get it right. I should tell her that, right? It might sound crazy. It might also sound honest. She might love honesty. Should I ask her out? Should I just ask for her number? What if she says no? If she says no, and I’ve practically planned our wedding, I’ll be like a sad puppy dog. I’m not like this with all the girls. I’m only like this with the girl that makes me feel nervous. You know her. You get me even if you don’t admit it. I’m so lost.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I lose all my games? The answer to these questions is that this special girl makes me lose my mind.