My title
Home > dating, women > Social Masturbation

Social Masturbation

Tonight, I’m going to  a storytelling slam in New York City and I asked one girl if she wanted to come with me. She said she couldn’t because she has a meeting to attend, which means I have to go with plan B.

The B stands for Bymydamnself.

Solo missions are hard to do and only for grown folks. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of going anywhere by myself until I was at least 26, and for me, it was one of the great discoveries of my adulthood.

When I go out, I tailor my company to the event. For instance, the woman I asked to accompany me to tonight’s storytelling slam is the type of woman who is actually into such things, and while I’m sure there are other women who would want to go with me, I’m not about to take my chances. If there’s a new barbecue restaurant I want to try, why would I take the vegetarian? If I have two tickets to go see the Wu-Tang Clan Reunion at S.O.B.’s, why would I take the girl who listens to nothing but R&B?

Backup plans are for people who have dependency issues, and I got rid of those back in ’07. If I want to spend time with a woman, she’s my preferred choice. The other options I have are for other occasions. Unless I’m in a relationship, there is no way I’m wasting my time or the woman’s time by going somewhere we can’t enjoy equally. And though that may sound harsh, at least every woman I date doesn’t have to worry about me bringing someone off the bench just because she can’t play that night.

(Of course, if the date is in my bed, I will sub another girl in. No questions asked. Ha!)

As for my boys? No stand-ins for them either; and since they don’t live in New York City, I’m often left to my own devices, which makes me feel like I’m David Ruffin from The Temptations without the drug problem.

I can count the number of times I’ve been approached by a woman when I’m with my boys using my hands, but if I wanted to count the number of times I’ve been approached when I’m by myself, toes would have to be involved. Not to say I look different in either situation, I look the same. The difference lies in the way women respond to my confidence.

When I’m with my boys, a woman can’t tell if the confidence I have is coming from my crew or from within (for the record, it’s a mix of both). But when she sees me by myself and sees I still have my chin held high, she knows I come as advertised.

Of course, I’d be remiss to not say how great it is to go out with others. As much as I’ve enjoyed my solo jaunts, not one has ever been as much fun as a great date or a night out with my boys where a lot of liquor and loud music was involved. All I’m saying is if neither one of those options are available, or the company doesn’t fit the occasion, I is cool.

Categories: dating, women Tags:
  • Danyel Smith

    priceless. : )

  • Delishia

    I go out alone a lot…If I want to go out and have dinner…just free my mind…I go solo. Dates are fun and kickin it with my frat and my girls are on point…but I need my me time. I used to go out at least once a week. I have limited this luxury now that my daughter is older and my work hours have changed. I shared this with several friends. They all said they didn’t undersand how I could do it…until they tried it. I’ve gotten several calls from my girls like I see now why you do this…it’s something liberating about being with yourself and totally giving all your attention to you…

  • Ava Carter

    I have been doing the solo kick-it for a while. It started with Saturday and Sunday mornings. I realized how much I enjoy kickin it solo. I do it all the time now. (Mainly because I don’t know anyone, LOL)

  • Belle

    i go out alone often… I was in DC over the weekend and after a 5 hour wait at the DMV, i wanted a drink. i headed to the local bar, took a seat, and within minutes I was surrounded by men. Fun times (even if I can do nothing with the attention.)

    there is no better pick up method than traveling solo and smiling at strangers.

  • kandeezie

    I love the confidence!! I’m still struggling with your choice of words for the title though…


  • Claire

    Sometimes you have to go out by yourself…if you wait around for your friends 100% of the time, you’ll miss out on great opportunities. And when you think you ‘need’ friends at parties you’re also saying to yourself that you don’t have the social chops or skills to handle an event solo.
    You can do bad by yourself.
    Happened to me recently in NYC where NOONE would come w/ me to this Harlem Heights party. I felt I had to go so went and ended up running into an old friend (and making a few new ones). And I was fine.
    Keep it gully, smile, have a drink…and hit the street.

  • Terron

    I’ve had to go out by myself quite a few times being here in the city… you’re right about the confidence thing, girls came up to me so much more often when I was solo than i was out with the usuals. I’m only 21 but i still highly recommend it every once in a while.

  • Malaca Jones

    I agree with the comments. I’ve been going out solo for a long while. I even go to out door concerts alone. Movies too. I have gone to plays alone and some traveling alone. You will miss out if you don’t explore on your own. There is nothing worse than getting ready to go some place and the person or people you are suppose to meet hit you with, “What had happened was…” Seize the moment!

  • Tia

    This just recently happen to me this pass Sunday. I went to the beach alone and I actually had a great time by myself. I normally do things solo since my friends time schedule and my time schedule seems to conflict. I don’t let anyone stop my show if I want to do something I will do it. All alone the movies, dinner, parties, etc. My friends tell me I am crazy but when I come back with stories to tell they are all ears. Sometimes it’s best to be alone and I consider it courageous and also a sign or maturity.

  • Malaca Jones

    Work it Tia!

  • Izzo

    It took me a really long time to be comfortable with going out alone, but now I savor the times when I can. I’ve come to realize that I enjoy my own company. I can be selfish and not have to compromise. It does take a certain level of confidence that comes with age but I find I usually end up meeting new people anyway.

  • God’s Gift

    I go out by my self all the time. I dont mind I nvr get approched by anybody. But I’m super comfortable about going out alone

  • Tia

    wink wink….

  • Laurie, the eFlirt expert.

    Going it alone not only makes you approachable and shows confidence, but it’s just so much FUN isn’t it? I call them “me dates.” It’s definitely more acceptable in big cities like our very own NYC, though. When I lived in the ‘burbs of MA people thought I was nuts to go to the movies solo.

  • Anonymous

    I like plan B. I’d always been something of a homebody, so it usually took people planning stuff to get me out. Last year, though, I made it my New Years resolution to reach some spots solo, and as a result, I got to meet some people I wouldn’t have otherwise. I was actually planning a solo trip to Montreal this year, but my mom has hijacked it (I’m looking forward to spending time with her though, don’t get me wrong). 

    I also try to go places with people who fit the bill. In my case, though, it’s usually more about the environment and how I feel the group dynamics & interactions will play out. Same thing when I’m planning a get-together, which is why it’s hard because I have random friends who work for me one-on-one, but who may not mesh well with one another. 

    I like the fact that you don’t do back-ups.