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Let's Not Talk About Sex

Today’s topic  is something I first wrote about a couple of years ago when I was the online editor at KING Magazine. I entitled it “The Gay Friend Conundrum”, which looking back on it, was in poor taste. Still, the issue I wrote about remains a valid one, and since I can’t find much of my old work at KING, I felt like delving into it anew. Enjoy.


I’m friends with very, very few females, especially single ones. Some guys like to have a lot of female friends, pride themselves on it even, but I don’t and I try to keep it that way because of one reason and one reason only: Sex.

It’s not so much I want to sleep with all my women friends, it’s just that if I’m speaking honestly I would. If I can’t, I keep my distance, not because I can’t control myself. Quite the contrary. The real issue I have is allowing a woman to get so comfortable with me as a friend, she starts talking to me like I’m a human diary, about things like, you guessed it…sex.

Maybe this hasn’t happened to other guys, but I will admit it’s happened to me on a couple of occasions. A female friend of mine is going through a dry spell. She’s not getting any and because her and I have talked about everything else she’s going through in life, she feels it’s okay to start talking to me about this dry spell she’s in. She tells me she hasn’t gotten laid in “forever” and how badly she wants to have sex. All the while, I’m sitting on either the end of the phone, or looking right across from her wondering how the hell I ended up here: A perfectly able and willing man, talking with a woman about her desire for sex, yet not being a part of the solution to her problem.

At some point, I usually take it upon myself to remind my friend just who she is talking to and how her issue isn’t so much a lack of opportunity as much as it is an unwillingness to capitalize on the opportunities she has available. In other words, she can have sex if she chooses, with me.

Unfortunately, because we’re friends, the woman doesn’t see things this way, which is not only frustrating but also slightly disrespectful.

Some women like to use the whole I see him as a brother excuse for why they can’t use their male friend to bail them out of their sex drought. But that dog don’t hunt, because I have a sister, a real one, and we never, ever talk about our sex lives with each other. Never will either.

Then there’s women who have no problem telling a man, Well, I just don’t see you that way, and though I appreciate the honesty, it begs the question: How is that men are men when a woman needs help moving, but when it comes to sex, we’re like her girlfriend – easy to talk to?

In life, few juggling acts are harder to keep up than the one a man and a woman must maintain in a platonic relationship, which is why I’m friends with so few females. As for the women who are my friends, I make it very clear to them: If sex is their issue, I am the solution. They may give me a look like I’m crazy, but hey, what are good friends for?

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  • The Lioness

    I think you have to decode that “he’s like a brother to me”. Most of the time it means A: I am just not sexually attracted to you or B: I know too much of your dating/sexual history to even look at you like that. If she’s your friend, then she knows in a round about way how many ppl you’ve slept with, how you dog women, etc and doesn’t want to get wrapped up in all that.

  • Ebony

    I love your honesty. I too have few male friends for the same reason. If I like you enough to call you a friend, what’s stopping me from getting in a relationship with you, given you’re not extremely physically unattractive. And bottom line, I don’t tend to hang out with people, male or female, that I find extremely unattractive. Who wants to look at something ugly? So my male friends tend to be a collection of ex boyfriends who I’d developed a, unbreakable bond with, men who I may be romantically interested in but just don’t have the opportunity to get with, or men who are so eager to get with me, that they allow themselves to become my human diary or my go-to-guy whenever I need helping moving something. Once in a blue, there is a male friend, who I might think is attractive, but know I’m not romantically compatible with, that I can ponder the mysteries of life with, share wisdom and perspectives. Those are the real valuable connections, that don’t come around too often.

    But bottom line, sex talk is private and should be reserved for the closet of friends. I don’t even like sometimes when my close girl friends tell me details about their sex life. I’ll never forget once, my friend thought I’d be interested in knowing how much she loved when her boyfriend ejaculated on her breasts, and how she would rub it all over her body. She was saying all this while gesturing the motion and rolling her eyes to the back of her head. NOT! At my age, I’m truly not interested.

  • Brittany Castaneda

    ^That is an excellent point.

  • jshdoff

    “How is that men are men when a woman needs help moving, but when it comes to sex, we’re like her girlfriend – easy to talk to?”

    I love that. It works both ways though. As women, we have to watch the boundaries of friendship as well. Some men assume if you open the door to friendship that they can push those boundaries, repeatedly, then don’t understand why we can’t just hang out.

    It’s hard for a women to hang out with a man who is going to take every opportunity to turn the relationship into something sexual. Not you, but you know.

    I have a friend. Call him Harry, cause, that’s his name. We were friends. Then we were more than friends. Then it was over, my choice. I kept my distance for a long long time. Every time I think we can be friends again, every time I give an inch, he’s back on that tip. Always asking for more than what’s offered.

    So, in consideration for his feelings and my last nerve, I end the friendship because in the end, I’m not sure men and women can be friends. Friendly, yes. Loving yes. Real friends, no sexual tension. Not all that sure about that…

  • Malaca Jones

    This blog forces me to ponder the question can males and females truly be friends? No one wants to be parked on the tenth floor of the friendship parking lot but that is a common reality between male and female friendships. At one time or another one is going to like the other more and it is only circumstances that will keep them from making it happen. Everytime you have sex with a person you are attached to that person so it is important to be mindful of you cum ings Cummings or comings ang goings. Sex is a complicated experience. Having said that, Ebony tell your friend that somethings are better left unsaid and damn sure not reenacted! That is just nasty baby just nasty!
    The Lioness has a good point about knowing too much about how you may operate in and out not so sacred places so keep that in mind.
    Jozen who told you to take the weekend off?

  • Teree Monique

    Great post. To follow up on Malaca’s question:

    To be honest, I don’t have any close male friends who I haven’t at the least “dated” at one point or another. Like Ebony said, we all tend to associate ourselves with attractive people, male and female. This presents a problem with the whole platonic friendship idea because even if you don’t want to date your “friend,” nine times out of ten, you wouldn’t mind at least making out with him/her after that third glass of Riesling. And after that line is crossed, you can pretty much kiss that friendship goodbye because it will NEVER be the same. Either you’ll continue down the “friends with (occasional) benefits” path or someone is going to catch feelings and end up hurt. Either way, it never works.

  • Delishia

    Ebony – “Who wants to look at something ugly” Hilarious! That was pretty gross what your friend shared with you. These are really good and valid points. Another point is that sex tends to lead to emotional attachment. You don’t want to ruin a friendship because one of you got emotionally attached.

  • Anonymous

    This is an interesting post, because I’m just about to kick off my personal blog (I think) and my first topic will address male-female friendships. In any case, my male friends would not be on my list of possibilities if I were looking to scratch that itch. This is for a variety of reasons. 1) I just may not be into him, bio-chemistry-wise, 2) It could negatively alter the dynamics of our friendship, 3)…actually, there’s really no need to go beyond those two. If the first were not true, then I’d be more interested in the possibility of dating him, particularly since I’m not a fan of casual relations.