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Things a Man Can't Do If He Gets Caught Cheating

September 22nd, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, when I was at VIBE, but since then, I’ve gained a lot of new readers. Since I have writer’s block today, I decided to unearth this post originally titled, “It’s Like Moving Mountains.” Enjoy!

Let’s talk about cheating. Or even better, let’s talk about what happens when a man gets caught cheating.

Ideally, if a man gets caught cheating, the woman will leave him. But realistically, this won’t happen.

In my experience and the experiences of a few others with whom I’ve spoken, a woman done wrong doesn’t just up and leave. She wants to try to “make it work”, regain the trust they’ve lost. She loves him. She wants to forgive him. Or, worst case scenario, torture him with guilt.

Meanwhile, the man is stuck with a woman who no longer trusts him and rightfully so. Besides the constant worry of the woman flipping the script and doing us wrong like we did her, we must also adjust to the new rules of a relationship torn by infidelity. They are as follows:


This probably deserves a sub list filled with movies that can be accurately described as infidelity movies, but I’m not going to make that list because guys know them. What I will do is list the two genres of film where infidelity is most likely to occur. 

  • Feel-good Romantic Comedies: In order for their to be a happy ending in a romantic comedy, there must be a sad middle, which usually consists of a man doing something he shouldn’t be doing.
  • Movies Where the Woman Is Cheating: If you’re is still dating the woman youcheated on,never ever let her watch one of these wacked out films where the female character is feeling all liberated and wants to hit every dude in sight because she’s bored with her relationship or mad at her man or some other crazy reason. In other words, never let your woman see Unfaithful, because she probably already has, and if he’s lucky, she forgot all about it.

As a matter of fact, don’t ever even be on time. Be early. Just be early and ask her why she’s running late. This takes the attention away from you. The day you run late for something as small as dropping off a pair of socks she forgot at your place, your woman will start acting like Bill Duke in Menace II Society.

In the beginning, most women have a pretty good disposition towards us men making second glances at another woman. They understand that just because we’re on a diet doesn’t mean we won’t look at a menu. But once we’ve been caught doing some dirt, it’s best if we avoid all eye contact with another woman. Even if another woman is looking at you, don’t look back. Go tell on her to your woman.

Whether it’s your keyguard lock on your phone or your login password for one of these social networking websites, don’t even think of putting a password lock on your stuff or changing the old one. You should’ve thought of that the first time, homie. It’s too late now. Just live with the fact that your woman will always know your passwords for everything is your mother’s birth date backwards.

It used to be all you would have to do is check in with your lady and let her know, you’re going out with your boys. Then, as she became more and more possessive, you needed to do more than notify her, you needed to make sure you two didn’t have plans and she didn’t want to do anything. But ever since your woman found out what really goes down with your boys, you are now forced to invite her everywhere you go. This includes that bachelor party where the invite says in big neon letters, “Guys Only”. And there are no plus ones unless your woman is going with you. If not, it’s plus none, because neither of you are going.

Any other new rules, people? Leave them in the comments.

Categories: cheating, women Tags:
  • Ronald Keith Young

    You can never fail to “rise” to the occasion. If lil willie fails you just one time, she will never ever forgive you and assume that you must have fired a round earlier in the day. Not good…..

  • goodiesgospel

    sorry J, if it gets to that the number one thing he can not do is stay with the same woman!

  • Danielle D

    Really anything a dude does that would be consider “brand new” or different from the routine of life, would cause a reaction from the female…the tiniest thing too…putting your boxers on different(as if there is a different way), or using new slang or something…the female will be looking with one eyebrow raised like The Rock, wondering what’s going on.

  • sleepingbeauty

    I just subscribed to you yesterday and I love these blogs..they’re soooo true. Especially the password rule..lmao…I have been in the situation before and made new rules after the fact..they might be crazy but I made them in addition to some that you had-

    1. No new female friends..if, so I need to know how you met, why you guys will be friends,etc..if I dont agree then she can’t be your new friend.
    2. No taking pictures with girls when you’re out because the minute I see it on Facebook, I’m snapping..and please dont let your arm be around her!!!
    3. No opposite sex phone calls after 12 midnight..very disrespectful.

    Cant think of my others at the moment..but what I realized with these rules is that you should never have rules in your relationship! Both partners should know exactly how to act at all times and think about what if the other person was doing what you are about to do..that should stop some of the ‘possible drama’..but then in essence I guess there are rules..just unspoken…

  • Tia

    Jozen, I finally got to see a photo of you today.

  • J Baby

    Your blog is all so true. What really blows my mind is how women actually think they can get past their man cheating on them. Reality is…they can’t! From the moment a woman finds out her man cheated on her is the moment she has to face her insecurities. If she knows the chick her man slept with, she is going to be even more of an emotional wreck and 9 out of 10 her man will leave her because he can’t put up with her emotions. It’s sad that we woman put ourselves through this type of stress but when we love we love hard. We always try to be THAT chick that holds their man down and is there through thick and thin. Truth be told, I think a lot of woman stay in broken relationships because they don’t want to be alone. It would hurt to see your ex that you are not over with another woman. Maybe one day we can become strong enough to let go of the men that really don’t care as much about us as we do them.

  • a.l.m.

    Any dude you have to impose those type of rules on is probably not worth the trouble. And besides, your rules are unreasonable. If he cheated, dump his ass. Don’t play this “rules” game. Who wins, really?

  • Malaca Jones

    DITTO! Know your worth!

  • Ava Carter

    No opposite sex phone calls after 9ish! Let your phone ring at midnight and its some young lady! Go ahead and try it. I’m just telling you its gonna be ugly! lol!

  • Malaca Jones

    Tre baby. You sound like a seasoned women. You work that out girl. To add to your well spoken wisdom, it is important to have your own thing in life. That way when your heart gets broken, you can still make it happen. And the other thing that happens when you have your own thing is, you don’t appear to be so needed and that may help with the balancing act that love is. Cheating today is not like it was one or two generations ago when a man was the sole bread winner. During that time, women had to “put up” with things because he brought home the bacon. We as women have to come to a place where we change with the times and what I mean is our state of mind. There are categories of things or items that can be brought home followed by lists of their own. And we have the opportunity to bring those things home as well!

  • Malaca Jones


  • Courtney

    I feel as if you have been spying on all of my past relationships. Every bit of it is so true. Just signed up and i love your blog! Keep it up Jozen!

  • Courtney

    where did you find it? i tried to find one, but was unsuccessful!

  • Delishia

    Had to log on to get my daily fix…I read this one before and it was just as good this time. Macala and J baby good points…Ava I know right! Let the phone ring at an inappropriate hr lol

  • cheatbuster

    There is a simple answer to this…..Don’t mess around on her!… 🙂

  • Savage

    Have a female friend.
    Leave your email account open
    Be seen talking to a chick she doesnt know
    Do something new in bed
    Leave her in the room unattended with your cell phone

  • Alisha

    I recently discovered your blog and love each one. Keep doing a wonderful job because I love them.

  • me-me

    never hold conversations with the following people for longer than you have to:

    waitresses or bartenders

  • lost

    This is so funny, u sound like a guy who made a mistake but really wanted to make it work. With your humor and new rules…..your woman would be pleased to draw near to you. Unlike my boyfriend, he gets a second chance and still lies and hides things from me. I guess its just a matter of time before im out.

  • Ren

    Very well said.
    Offer to spend every waking moment with her so she doesn’t think you’re out doing something else.
    I know now trust is hard to regain, and most of the time, I’m just in it out of selfishness, but those rules still hold true if you’re willing to make it work.
    personally, i wouldn’t try to make it work if i cheated or was cheated on. That just means the relationship wasn’t important or worth it.

  • MissJay57

    I hate to burst your little bubble, but “women” do leave men who have cheated on them. I happen to be one of those women. After 25 years of marriage, I gave my husband his walking papers. As far as I’m concerned, he has the right to be a Don Juan, Playboy, Jody, etc. but he doesn’t have the right to be married to me while he’s doing so. I won’t be expose my health to dangerous and deadly STD’s. Furthermore, I won’t send the message to our 15 year old daughter, “that is acceptable to be disrespected, lied to and betrayed by someone who says that “he loves you”. I have a better opinion of myself than to be used and abused by someone who has no idea what he wants out of life. Therefore, I gave him the legal and moral opportunity to discover his “authentic self”.

    If he wanted out of this marriage, all he had to do was ask and I would have signed the papers immediately. I would much rather see him happy with someone else, than living a miserable existence with me. After all, if you love someone you’re willing to set them free. He chose to have an affair with a married woman and the mother of 4 kids. I don’t know what he was thinking. I completely blindsided him with my discovery of his affair. He was also stunned when he was served with his divorce papers. I told him, he would always have access to his daughter, it is not my right to separate him from his child. He moved out and I have moved on. I wish him God Speed.

  • EL

    Now thats the most sane advice i have seen here yet….truth is men leave a cheating woman IMMEDIATELY…Notice that? When their ego is bruised and they cant trust YOU, its over. Women have to many what if’s in there head, men don’t do that….they act impulsively, Fu#k what if. So since they want to be one and only, and leave when they find out they arent, we need to pack their sh!t too, and leave. I wouldnt want to see his face everyday after that, or touch him for that matter. 

  • EL

    I agree, he is a man, not a baby. if you have to babysit him after he cheated now, then you dont respect him anymore anyway, cause no woman want a man she has to dictate. you just look like the crazy one on front of other people. and he isnt man enough for you if he isnt the leader anymore. Women need protecters, not you protecting him.

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  • Linda

    Thank you married 27 years and your words helped me so much