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Archive for October, 2009

The Romantic vs. The Player: In Defense of the Other

October 30th, 2009 6 comments


Truth be told, I have no real beef with The Romantic. In a lot of ways, I admire him. Going after a woman the way he does, with his heart on his sleeve, takes guts. Dare I say it takes more guts than the way I approach a woman, which is often times with no heart at all. At least, not emotional heart.

What The Romantic doesn’t do, is something I can respect. He doesn’t give up. He has one mission in life and that’s to find the love of it. He’s been hurt before (though he won’t tell you he’s hurt others too) and yet, he still picks himself up and tries again. Tries, tries, tries, tries, because he believes in love like little kids believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. And it’s that kind of naivete I wish I had, because I’ll be honest, I may have more fun than him, but sometimes, I think he’s happier than me. People often confuse the two.

I have to give props where props are due. The Romantic is idealistic, optimistic, and in his heart of hearts, believes himself to be realistic, so who am I to tell him he’s wrong? Any man I would set my sister up with is good in my book, and The Romantic is that man.


Don’t get me wrong, the player is an egotistical jerk sometimes so appalling, even I shudder. But he means well, if only to himself.

You see, the player just doesn’t want to get hurt and honestly, he doesn’t want to hurt others. As a matter of fact, when I think about it, The Player has never made a woman cry to the extent I have made a woman cry. He keeps it honest, real, and would rather punch a woman in the stomach, than kick her in the back.

(Okay, wait, that was a bad metaphor. The Player doesn’t put his hands on a woman. Nor do I. But you know what I’m trying to say, right? The Player is honest, to a fault.)

The Player is honest about who he is from the start. I tell a woman she’s the only one, even if I don’t know for sure. The Player tells a woman she’s not the only one, that much he knows for sure

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Player, it’s the value of being honest not only to women but to ourselves. He knows he isn’t ready for a relationship, so he never acts like it. He also knows, not all women want a relationship, so why treat them like they do?

His ways may all be a defensive mechanism for him not to end up like me, but sometimes being me sucks. When I’m really down about one woman who hasn’t called me back or is giving me the run-around, I look at The Player and say, Damn, that life looks just as good.

Still, I would never introduce him to my sister.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Things We Can Agree On

October 29th, 2009 4 comments

Though they may disagree on various matters of the heart, The Romantic and The Player are able to find other things they agree on when it comes to the opposite sex. Here are a few:

Safe Sex, Always

The Player: I don’t want an STD or a KID

The Romantic: Yeah, what he said.

Marriage Is…

The Romantic: A long ways away

The Player: A very long ways away

No Dinner on the First Date

The Romantic: I’m so much more creative than that.

The Player: So far, she has done nothing to deserve a free meal.

Women Are At The Club

The Player: On any given night, a man can find at least three or four to add to his roster.

The Romantic: On any given night, a man can meet the one true love to add to his life.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman’s Scorn

The Romantic: Hurt a woman bad enough and she’s gone forever.

The Player: Hurt a woman bad enough and she’s gone forever, but not before she trashes your place.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Another Man's Woman

October 28th, 2009 4 comments

The Romantic: Remember, that girl I was telling you about? The one who has a man?

The Player: Yeah, the one with the man. Her. I sure do.

The Romantic: I’m going after her kind of hard, man.

The Player: What do you mean, “going after”?

The Romantic: I mean, I’ve been pursuing her, trying to get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Oh no, you don’t do that. What the hell is wrong with you?

The Romantic: Says the player…

The Player: Yeah, well, it’s going to sound ass backwards, but I’m very much against taking another man’s woman, especially if they’re in a relationship.

The Romantic: You make no sense, you’re a player! You boast about this constantly and now you’re saying you don’t want women to do the same thing?

The Player: Basically. Look, I’m willing to cop to who I am but I don’t want a woman doing the same thing. There’s a reason we call them the fairer sex.

The Romantic: Still not making sense…

The Player: Man, do you know how hard it is for most men to have the mentality you have?  Most men don’t. Most men, when they settle down, they do so on a wing and a prayer, it’s like they say, Okay, I’m going to do this with this one woman, and it better work. They end up putting their all into it because it actually goes against their basic behavior which is essentially to be with as many women as they can. So when a woman gets involved with another man, the man she’s with gets his heart broken, sure. But what really happens is he loses complete faith in the idea of commitment.

The Romantic: Okay, fine, I get that, but what if you know the man she’s with doesn’t deserve her?

The Player: Well, how do you know that?

The Romantic: Well, if he was doing his job right, the woman I’m trying to get with wouldn’t even be entertaining leaving him for me.

The Player: That’s just the grass looking greener on the other side. In the end though, it’s still just grass. You’re just grass.

The Romantic: But she could build a house on my grass.

The Player: Huh?

The Romantic: I’m not trying to get this girl to cheat on her man with me. I’m trying to get her to leave her man for me. See the difference?

The Player: That’s as much of a difference as six in one hand and half-a-dozen in the other.

The Romantic: No, it isn’t. There’s a huge difference. I’m not asking her to leave her man for a night or two, I’m asking her to leave her man to be with me, to be in a relationship with me. One that she’s truly happy with. I think I’d know if her man was doing her job, and if he was, I wouldn’t even be in the picture.

The Player: Women like attention, my man. That never gets old no matter what type of relationship she has.

The Romantic: Well, her man isn’t giving her enough of that attention. I believe if you’re doing your job right, your woman never even gives another man the time of day, let alone extended play.

The Player: Well, did you ever think of what happens if she does leave her man for you? That’s a mindfuck, if there ever was one. You’re always going to worry about her doing to you what she did to the man she left.

The Romantic: You have a point, but I can’t worry about that until after I get her. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but the first thing I have to do is get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Do you hear yourself? Look, even if I’m a player, I still abide by a certain set of rules and one of those rules is another man’s woman is off limits. For two reasons: One, there are so many single women out there in the world, why bother with another man’s? Trust me, there a lot of single women. A LOT. I have six of them right now. If you want, I can even set you up with one.

The Romantic: HA! Now you’re a pimp?

The Player: No, I’m kidding. But really, there are tons of single women out there, so there’s no need to go after one who’s taken. The other thing though is you don’t know what her man is capable of. Trust me, I know.

The Romantic: Yeah, you told me that story before. But I’m not afraid of that because I feel like we’re meant to be together, she’s meant to be with me. If she’s meant to be with him, than why isn’t he acting like it?

The Player: Because relationships are a job, and like any job, you’re going to have some good days and you’re going to have some bad days, and…

The Romantic: And if you don’t do it right, you’re going to get fired and replaced by someone else.

The Player: Hey man, do you. If you believe you can do that much better than her current man, then make your move, but just remember this.

The Romantic: What?

The Player: Remember two things: One, everything her man did, just don’t do that. You can make mistakes, but let them be new ones, ones she hasn’t seen before. Because she isn’t leaving her man cause you’re like him. She’s leaving him cause you’re the exact opposite.

The Romantic: Okay, and what’s the second thing?

The Player: Oh, the second thing? Good luck.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Walking Dogs

October 27th, 2009 10 comments

This post isn’t really about walking dogs, as much as it is about doing little things for a woman who you’re not in a relationship with. Walking dogs is just a metaphor for all those things we do for the ones we care about the most. Today, The Romantic in me and The Player in me face off about when, if ever, a man should draw the line on doing little things for a woman they’re not in a relationship with.


It’s really simple: Just because I’m not in a relationship with a woman doesn’t mean I can’t do things as though I am in a relationship with her. Isn’t that what we do every time we have sex? Of course it is. So if we can have sex even though we’re not in a formal relationship, what’s wrong with walking her dog?

The only reason I would say no is because I wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea. I am not quite ready for a relationship, and she knows that. If I walk her dog for her while she works overtime, the gray area we exist can possibly get even more foggy. But, that’s not a really good reason to say no. Or rather, it’s not a better reason than the one I have for saying yes.

This girl and I may not be together,  but we are definitely involved with one another, and I shouldn’t need a title to be a nice guy to her. Saying no to walking the dog would only be to save face, and my face is just fine. For this girl who I am not in a relationship with, I am going to walk her dog because I like her, and more importantly she likes me, which means she would do the same thing.


She wants me to do what? Walk the dog? My response to that is…hmmm…what’s the words I’m looking for? Oh yeah, that’s it, HELL NO!

This is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. We have a good thing going on, it’s a little thing called just sex. We have just sex and we’re happy. Doing anything more than that is a slippery slope. One minute I’m walking her dog, the next minute, I’m like Owen Wilson‘s character in Marley and Me, writing a column about the joys of raising a dog with my lovely wife.

No thanks.

All this talk of how if she can sleep with me, I can walk her dog is bull. You know what she gets for sleeping with me? My A game. If that’s not enough, and I need to start walking dogs to show my appreciation, than either I need to do a better job in the bedroom or she needs to fire me. And about that nice guy logic? I am a nice guy, I’m just not a nice guy who walks dogs. But I’m sure there are plenty of those types out there. She should find one if she doesn’t have one already.

If I start doing all these little things like walking the dog or fixing something that’s broke around her crib, she’s going to think I want to do more than what we’re already doing when the truth is I don’t. Our relationship is based on two things: Enjoying each other’s company and not doing any favors to do so.

Do I like the girl? Yeah, I do, but not to this extent, so I am going to tell her no, and explain to her the reason. Because contrary to popular belief, a real player tells a woman the truth, even if it hurts; as a matter of fact, especially if it hurts.

The Romantic vs. The Player: On First Date Sex

October 26th, 2009 11 comments


First date, smirst date, it’s all just a formality. If I had it my way, the most we would do is meet up for some Costco samples, head back to my place, and do the dance adults do in the bedroom. But because tradition says so, I have to take her out, have to make her feel like I actually care about her with her clothes on. So I will, but I’m eating before I go out, at least that way I don’t have to break the bank on myself. Hopefully she will do the same.

Whether she does or she doesn’t, the goal is First Date Sex. The Romantic is going to say I’m too ambitious, I shouldn’t even aim for such a thing, but he’s soft. Me? I’m an animal. I keep telling the Romantic, “First Date Sex is nothing more than a testament to how much the girl is feeling me and how good of a date I was.”

If you haven’t had First Date Sex,” I continue on. “You haven’t had a great first date. At the very least, you should be making it hard for the girl to say no.”

A real player doesn’t believe in waiting for the right time. A real player feels the right time is all the time, even if it’s the first time. What’s with this whole waiting game we have going on? A woman says, “You move fast.” I say she moves slow.

The truth is, there’s no nobility in waiting, and any woman who thinks so is lying to herself. She can cite all the experiences in which making a man wait has gotten her what she wants, but if she’s single when she’s telling me all this, then what has it really done for her?

Never has a woman who has had sex with me on the first date been judged for doing so. If anything, the women who have, actually manage to stay in the picture just as long, if not longer than the women who have not. I tell myself, We do it now, so there can be a later.


Do not get me wrong, I have a little player in me, which means, if a woman chooses to have sex with me on the first date, I will gladly oblige. But the difference between me and the Player is my objective is not to have First Date Sex.

On the first date, all I really want to do is get to know the young lady. If I only have my mind focused on getting in the woman’s pants, I might miss out on her finer, more subtle qualities.

The way I see it, First Date Sex is just as much of a lie as no First Date Sex. The player says, First Date sex is the only way he knows a woman is really feeling him, and I guess that’s a good gauge. But what the Player doesn’t understand is if a woman is having sex on the first date, it has little to do with his charm or good looks.

When a woman has sex on the first date, the reason is hardly, if ever, because the man was nice, sweet, and she really likes him. She chose to have sex on the first date because she was horny and it’s been a minute. She chose to have sex on the first date because she was bored. She chose to have sex on the first date because she wanted to, and it had nothing to do with you, player.

First Date Sex is how the player gets played into believing he’s the man. Me? I’m trying to be her man.

I don’t waste my time going out on frivolous dates for frivolous reasons. I only want to go out with women I know I like before we sit down. I want to get to know the woman for who she is,  find more reasons to like her.

Because what I’m really trying to do is build something here, hence why I am pulling out all the stops. I’m talking take her to dinner at a real nice restaurant and foot the whole bill. No shortcuts. Make an impression the way one of my boy’s did on his first date with one of my closest female friend’s.

If I recall correctly, there first date was on her born day and involved a romantic dinner, where he actually got a live band to play her happy birthday. Now, years later, the two are engaged and about to get married.

See what a little romance can do? All the player is doing is spending a few dollars now, so he can make a few more later. What I am trying to do is build a relationship, and methodically hit the jackpot. I tell myself, This here is a marathon, not a sprint.

Related: The Romantic vs. The Player: A Preview

Categories: guys, s#x, the romantic vs. the player, women Tags:

The Romantic vs. The Player: A Preview

October 23rd, 2009 2 comments

Apologies to all my readers. Today I’ve been traveling and haven’t had Internet access until now.

I will be back next week though, with a special series of posts entitled “The Romantic vs. The Player”.

Beginning on Monday, October 26 and continuing until Friday, October 30 I will either be writing two posts a day or one posts in two voices on various topics. Each post will be written from the point of view of the player in me and the romantic in me.

The goal of each post is for people to get a better understanding of both my sides when it comes to dealing with women. The romantic in me believes in true love and the player in me believes in loving as many women as possible. Sometimes I envy my married friends and wish I was one of them, other times I laugh at my married friends and am overjoyed about being single.

A lot of my readers also seem to look at me in black and white, absolute constructs. Some think I’m a romantic others think I’m player. Neither side is 100 percent true.

Next week, I will show everyone I can, and am often, both. Two sides. One me. Let’s see what happens.

Categories: guys, s#x, the romantic vs. the player, women Tags:

Condom Companies, Where You At?

October 22nd, 2009 6 comments

No matter what race you are, answer the following questions:

Question Number 1: When was the last time you saw a black man or woman in a condom commercial?

Question Number 2: When was the last time you read or heard about a startling statistic involving the number of black people with a STD or unwanted pregnancy?

Now, think really hard about the answer to both questions, and think logically. If you can’t vividly recall the answer to the first question, but you can definitely recall the answer to the second, then what I am about to say next will make sense.

More black people need to be placed in condom commercials. By doing so, maybe we will stop seeing so many black people being placed in “Get Tested for HIV and other STD” campaigns.

The reason I say this now is because this weekend, some condom company needs to encourage their advertising partners to head down to Tallahassee, Atlanta, or the Nation’s Capital. While down there, get up close and personal with one of the three major homecomings taking place this weekend, at Florida A&M University (Tallahassee), Morehouse and Spelman College (Atlanta), or Howard University (Washington, D.C.).

Take it from someone who is on their way down to D.C. tomorrow to celebrate homecoming as an alumni from Howard (also known as “the best school God ever created”), homecoming is a lot of things: A lot of women, a lot of liquor, a lot of partying, and a lot of sex.

The smart person calling the shots in creative at any advertising agency is going to see exactly why their next campaign should target a college-educated, black audience. If you ask me, few things make as much sense.

All  Trojan, Durex or any other condom company needs to do is set up a huge tent on the Yard at Howard University or at the Tailgate down at Morehouse College’s homecoming and give away condoms for free. Throw buckets filled with rubbers out into the crowds of people, even better, partner up with a company like Red Bull and tape a condom on the bottom of every can they pass out (Red Bull and condoms are a match made in heaven), or just plant baskets of them in every restroom on campus and their neighboring businesses.

Trust me, condom companies, do this, and watch. Your profit margins are going to skyrocket like you wouldn’t believe.

Thank me, later.

Categories: guys, s#x, women Tags:


October 21st, 2009 21 comments

I just read yet another article on how more and more women are out earning their husbands, but I’m not linking to it because the conversation, frankly, has become old hat.

Will someone please explain to me why I should give a damn or be concerned if I were to ever date a woman who earns more money than me? It’s 2009, but even if it was 1909, I wouldn’t have a problem. As a matter of fact, I’ve been okay with this since around 2005, when I was a 20-year-old college student dating a 28-year-old lawyer.

Now to be fair, she was a domestic attorney, and for those who know anything about the law profession, domestic attorneys don’t bank quite as much as their corporate or malpractice counterparts. Still she had more than me and a house and a car in its current year of make. Meanwhile I had a meal plan, a dorm room (with strictly enforced visiting hours, to boot), and a 1995 Nissan Maxima (I actually called it a Minima, because it did the minimum amount of work a car could do) with power windows you had to roll down by hand.

Steadman Graham I was not (Oprah, she wasn’t either), but for the year-and-a-half we were together, money, or the lack of it, was never an issue for her, for me, or for us.

So when I read about these men who whine over not being the breadwinner in their family anymore I have to scratch my temple and wonder what the hell is wrong with these guys.

The reason no man should have a problem with a woman making more money than him is not because it means nothing but easy living — enjoying the spoils of someone else’s hard work is never a good look, no matter the gender — it’s because discriminating against a woman just because she brings home more coin than you is the male equivalent of a woman discriminating against a man who doesn’t make enough.

In other words: They’re acting like a bunch of gold-diggers, but I call them pride-diggers.

A pride-digger is a man who ties his self-worth to his wallet. If a woman is making more than a pride-digger, he gets itchy and uncomfortable with the role-reversal, thus making it difficult for him to see how good she is to him and for him. He won’t rest until he’s back to being the breadwinner, and so he digs and digs and digs as far as he can to earn more just so his pride can be realigned back in place.

If you ask me, it’s all a bunch of foolish, dogmatic, traditionalism. No person should ever measure a man by whether or not he makes more than his woman. He should be measured by how happy his woman is with him.

When I was with my ex, the esquire, I stayed in the picture for one year and probably made as little money as I ever have in my life. But if she had to stay late at work, you can bet I would drive out to her office to keep her company and bring some take out if she was hungry. What I realized is all I needed to keep her happy was make her laugh, put it down in the bedroom, and encourage her on days when she was ready to give up on her job.

Those three things are lessons I have  applied to every girl since the esquire, but not because what was good for her is good for the rest of the ladies. It’s because making a woman laugh, putting it down in the bedroom, and lifting her spirits when they are down are priceless attributes a man can and should provide to his woman for free. Men should take some pride in that.

Categories: guys, women Tags:

A Rather Odd List of Things That Turn Me On

October 20th, 2009 24 comments

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a blog entry entitled, An Unreasonable List of Things That Turn Me Off. The list was written in jest, but it did hint at some of the idiosyncracies I have when it comes to the opposite sex.

Today, I flip the concept and list some rather unique, attractive qualities in the opposite sex. Like the unreasonable list of turn-offs, this list isn’t etched in stone and in no way absolute. There’s wiggle room here. In no way do I require any woman I date to possess all or even any of these traits. But, it would be nice if she had or could do one or two of them.

Make A Good Taco

The question is not, can she cook? The question is, can she make a good taco? A woman not being able to get down in the kitchen is kind of like a three-legged dog: They exist, but I’ve only seen two, three tops, in my life. What I can truly appreciate in any woman is if she can make some good tacos. Extra points go to the woman who has a recipe of her own. And why tacos, you ask? They’re the best food in the world.


I’m not a vegetarian, but I love a woman who is. Second to a good taco, is a good steak, and to me, there is nothing sexier than a woman who is willing to compromise her ethics and beliefs in order to make me my second favorite meal.

Curse A Little

A curse word, said right, in the right moment, is f*ckin sexy as h*ll.

Hoarse Voice

Whenever I talk to a woman who is recovering from losing her voice or a sore throat, there’s something about the way she sounds that makes me want to make her lose her voice all over again.

Girls With Boys Names


Here’s the thing: I have never met a woman with a boy’s name I didn’t like. Those women have always been sexy and cool, word to Billie Holiday.

Prefers Texting over Talking on the Phone

A woman who texts is way easier to ignore. That’s sexy.

Getting Ready for Work

Ever watch a woman get ready for her day? From putting the final touches on her hair, to the 180 turns she gives in front of a full-length mirror, there is nothing sexier than watching a woman get herself together. “How do I look,” she asks. “You’ve been looking good,” I reply.

Doesn’t Like To Stay Up Late

I am not a night person, never have been, which means for me, the best relationships have usually been with women who can respect a decent bedtime. A woman who wants to turn in at 11 is the woman for me.

Played or plays Basketball or Volleyball

These women are usually tall, and even though I’m only 6’0, I’ve always dug a woman who stands 5’7 and above. But for all my female readers below 5’7, don’t fret, you’re fun too.

Her Facebook Page and Twitter Stay Updated

Follow what I’m saying, friend. As a former online editor of two magazines, a social media buff, and a blog author, I can definitely get into a woman with a good profile pic, and quick, witty tweets.

Jozen is finished with his rather odd list of things that turn him on.

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A Letter To The Ex Girlfriend Who Cheated On Me

October 19th, 2009 16 comments

Dear Ex Girlfriend Who Cheated On Me,

I don’t know who you are or what you’re doing right now, but I just want to let you know when you cheated on me, you were wrong. I don’t know exactly when you did what you did or who you did it with or where you did it or even how you did it, but I know you cheated on me. I know this because if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, Mama ain’t raise no fool.

You think I’m so clueless as to believe you didn’t go behind my back and do a little something with some guy? Let me answer that question with another question.

Do I look stupid to you?

Even if I can’t prove how or when you cheated on me, my gut tells me to believe you did. Back in the day, I used to think, No way, not her. She would never cheat on me. I’m too good of a man to do such a thing. I used to beat my chest and tell all my friends, “I ain’t ever had a girl cheat on me!”

Now it all sounds like some naive young man talk.

I’ve grown up. I’ve seen some things, and when I say things, I mean scandalous, hush-your-mouth type of things from the most wholesome of women. In some cases, I was even a participant in these scandalous things. A hard pill to swallow, for sure, but I’m a man, I can take it. I realize I have made mistakes of epic proportions, if not with you with another woman. Therefore I probably deserved whatever you did, much as it makes me cringe to say that.

But as Jay-Z said, “You don’t get a n**** back like that!”

Why did you have to do what you did with the guy that you did it with? What was it that made you cheat on me in the first place? Was it because I did it to you and you wanted revenge? Maybe I never cheated on you in the first place, but you just couldn’t help y0urself. Was that it? Did you feel entitled to do it because someone else once did it to you? Did you feel better about yourself after it was done?

All these questions are rhetorical.

I don’t really care what you’re reasoning is, because no matter which way you cut it, cheating on me was foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. FOUL.

And like I said before, I still don’t know who you are, still have never found out exactly what happened, but do me one favor: Keep it that way.

Sincerely Yours,



Don’t do it again. Thanks.


This letter applies to you too, future ex-girlfriends!

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