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900 Words On The Problem

Anyone who knows me in real life, knows the lists of turn-offs I come up with and the complaints I voice about women are not actual grounds for checking her off my list. I’m flexible. So what if a fine woman enjoys spitting hard core rap lyrics, eats a Chipotle burrito, or always puts LOL in her FB status messages? If I dig her, I dig her. She’s not coming off the list just because of something so trivial, I just like to discuss the little things because we don’t discuss details enough.

So what’s the problem? If I’m not as picky as it seems, why can’t I settle on one woman?

Today, I answer this question with a bold, sweeping theory that may or may not surprise some, but hopefully will clear things up for others. This is my line of logic as to why it’s hard for men to settle down. It goes with me to the grave.

I am not picky enough and I know a lot of good women.

This is what my Pop’s used to describe to me as good problems, like a stomach ache from too much ice cream. It’s what I like to call an embarrassment of riches. The reason I complain is not because I can’t find a good woman to be with, but because I know more than one good woman. Jay-Z once said he has 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one, but what were those 99 problems? I believe they were 99 good women.

There are a lot of good women out there, women who are good in a variety of ways. Yes woman, you’re great in bed, but so is this other woman I know. Yes woman, you are a beast in the kitchen, but so is this other woman I know. Yes woman, you’re smart and accomplished in your career, but so is the other woman I know.

While women think their competition is with these fast girls who are willing to give it up to a man so soon, men like me who have a hard time settling down know better. Good women are in competition with other good women. I’m not racking my brain, choosing between the woman who took good care of me when I was sick and the woman who let me go home with her the same night we met. My pre-occupation usually lies between the woman who took good care of me when I was sick and the other woman who took good care of me when I was sick. So when I start judging women based on their chicken soup recipes, don’t be mad at me. I have to make a decision somehow.

If there’s one thing I have learned over the years, good women are universal, and good men are relative. I know a few good men and a lot of good women, and most men I know are dealing with the same circumstances. Look in any man’s phone book. He probably has a handful other male phone numbers, and a garbage bag full of female phone numbers, and while a few of those females may have been one-offs, most of them probably are not. Most of those phone numbers are a direct line to some woman who made some sort of impact on him. So even after I have eliminated the girls I will never call again, there’s still more than one girl with whom I would like to stay in touch, and that, my friends, is really the issue.

There’s more than one good woman.

There’s always more than one good woman, and once there’s two, we officially have a situation on our hands. For every chicken, there’s steak, for every steak, there’s shrimp, for every shrimp, there’s foie gras. I don’t mean to say women are food, so don’t jump all over me about objectifying women here. I’m making a point, which is this: This world men live in is like Sizzler. Sure there are items on the menu, but who went to Sizzler for the menu items? We all went because of the buffet and the options it provided, and when I think about it, maybe that’s my problem. Instead of making a tough decision, a man like me goes for the buffet. Maybe, I’m not picky enough.

The fact is, men are simple, and because we are simple, it broadens our choices, making it more difficult to settle on one woman. And while I may not have a solution to this problem, allow me to attempt to offer up at least one for men and one for women.

I, a man, will start being more picky and selective about the women I date. I will write down a mile-long check list of things I want in a woman, and raise my standards to damn near impossible heights so that only one woman can reach them.

In exchange, I would like to see more women stop touting their good woman credentials around like they received a black belt when in reality, they’re more like white belts. Damn near every woman is a good woman. Hell, a good woman’s friend is a good woman (that’s why they’re friends, right?). So ladies, stop declaring how good you are. It’s not working because we already know other good women. What might work instead is being your man’s woman. Your move, ladies.

Categories: cheating, dating, guys, on something, s#x, women Tags:
  • **inquiring mind**

    I’m so glad I made my way back over here so I could… COSIGN your statement with the rest of them. Clearly Jozen has NO idea what he wants- smh

  • MissMina

    I agree and agree and agree with everything you said. And LOL @ “About the only thing that women can do about this is to NOT DATE men who aren’t on the same page, even the articulate ones who pretend to be.” Callin him out huh?

    Look at it as if you’re looking to marry your best friend. For guys, there may be a bunch of guys out there u can relate to and get along with but only a select few (and may I venture to say one) its totally compatible and deserves the title of best friend. And when you meet a lady that challenges that title and takes it over, marry her.

    So I’m with Malia, I call shenanigans. If you’re hungry, you’ll know what you want.

  • mimi

    This post was baffling to me. You can’t choose one because there are too many to choose from, is your logic? I’d have rolled with you if you’d said that you knew a lof a good women in general, just not one that was good FOR YOU. **shrugs** Thats my issue. I know good men, I tend to be a good girl, but just because you are a good man doesn’t mean you’ll be good for me. It doesnt mean our personalities will balance without one of us irking the shit out of the other in 3-weeks. LOL

    Jozen you appear to come across as one of those articulate men who are kind of lost because they think they are more self aware than they really are. IDK if its lack of maturity or lack of experience… which you speak a lot about. I think this issue sits with a lot of men that think they know a lot abotu relationships, when they really don’t know too much which is why their either not in a long-term one, or have been in so many. IDK… no shade adn no shots… but this post alone showed me that you have a lot of growing to do.

    @Violet, I agree. 🙂

    So yeah Jozen.. Idk about this one. I’m not rollin.

  • mimi


    oops! about* and they’re* and*

    Thats what I get for commenting at work

  • Lipstick on Paper

    I’ve just started reading your blog, as a rec from a friend of mine. Your brutal honesty is funny, refreshing, and eloquent. I like hearing the men’s perspective, even if I don’t always agree – but that’s what makes dialogue fun. This was an interesting post. When you merge men with simple expectations + women with high expectations, that’s when it’s a hot mess. Or a reflection of today’s dating world- again, a hot mess. I hope you don’t just find a ubiquitous “good woman”, but eventually set your sights on “the woman” – as in, the woman you need to have in your life, even if she doesn’t match the list of what you thought you wanted. It always seems to turn out that way. Looking forward to more good reads!


    “Too many to choose from”? Don’t make me laugh. You can make all the excuses you want for lacking the commitment to choose the right partner, commit to her, stay honest, and treat her with the love and respect she deserves. May it’s that you’re too young and immature to understand commitment, it’s importance, and seek and find your partner, but at 46, I don’t have that problem. For me, there can only be one. I don’t date. I don’t serial date. I don’t sleep around. I’m either in a relationship or I’m alone and I don’t have a problem being alone because that gives me an opportunity to improve myself as a human being, as a man, and as a father to my children. This allows me to develop and become someone that has something to offer a woman. I found her. She loves me. I love her, and we are going to be together forever. I have no problem committing everything I am to her and she doesn’t have that problem either.

    Wake up, man up, grow up, and learn the concepts of commitment, love, honor, and respect, so that when you mature some day, you have something more to offer a woman than what’s in your pants or material objects. There are plenty of good women out there. Man up, pick one, and commit to her.

  • Frank White

    You said it Damon,

    There may be alot of “good women”, out there, but there is only one “right woman”. If you’re mature and intelligent enough to move beyond looks to go deeper and develop a compatibility matrix based on personality, mentality, values, life goals, professional goals, and seek the partner that is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, choose her. Of course, this assumes that you are at a place in your life where you want to settle down and commit to one woman. It sounds like you lack the ability to commit. Just because there are a bunch of fine women who are good women, doesn’t mean you should waffle between two or more. Choose one. It can’t be that hard.

  • Natasha

    Looks like your problem is not the abundance of good women but your poor decision making skills concerning women. There is an abundance of t-shirt vendors but you manage to make a decision on choosing which suits you, otherwise you’d be walking around bare chested talking about, I just can’t find the right one, they all are 100% cotton with a spandex collar but I’m just perplexed on which to choose. Apparently they (women) aren’t a necessity to you or you would’ve made your choice by now. Make a decision and keep it moving. Once you do that vow to not look back. And when do you take the time to sit down and choose anyway? Not just in passing but really taking a good look at these women.

  • Jussayin

    This was an interesting post but I think it makes a good reference point as to why younger women date older guys (Why Older Guys are Overrated)….some of them have gotten past this stage and have pinpointed the qualities they want in the women they want to make it official with. I feel this article though. I know a lot of checklist “good” men and it used to be confusing when it came to picking out just one. But I also learned what type of qualities will work and which ones won’t and it definitely goes beyond his profession (a graduate degree or “good job” isn’t a guarantee or indicator of anything), or his sexual skills (I can teach him). Sounds like a kid in a candy store w/ a freebie pass. The body can’t survive off just sugar; there has to be more sustenance. Even the best sweets get old…

  • Sol Chantal

    LOL. I provide a third solution that will work for both, men and women. Women, stand up and stop being so damn good; Why be good when we can all be bad and get the same results from men? If the problem is that we’re all sooo good and you can’t pick, then let’s all be bad, enjoy ourselves, feel better about ourselves, stop competing with ourselves. Then at least, we got to enjoy ourselves because at the end of the day there’s always someone better.