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Man Does Not Get Laid at Essence Fest, Still Has Time of His Life

I just arrived back from my annual trip to New Orleans, where for the last three years, my boys and I have chosen to spend our Fourth of July.  And in case anyone was wondering, I did not get laid.

Surprise, right?

Without saying too much, I am a little surprised as well. In years past, Essence Fest, for me, was like Freaknik, except we can swap out Freaknik’s booty-shaking bounce music for soul-stirring R&B. The whole idea has always been for me to go down there, mack, mack, mack, mack, mack, and then wake up in someone else’s hotel room, but this year I woke up in my own hotel room. Every morning. By myself. And guess what?

This year I had more fun than ever before.

Now of course I’m not going to lie and act like I wanted it to go down like this. I’m pretty sure I packed a whole box of condoms, and carried at least two in my pocket everyday I was there. In my head, the only thing that was going to top last year’s trip was if I got into a threesome with two girls and afterwards they left me money on the dresser with a note that said, “No, thank you.” I mean, what man doesn’t have that dream?

Okay, maybe that’s my dream, but it definitely wasn’t my reality, and not only am I fine with that, I couldn’t be happier about it. This is not to say I have outgrown the need or the desire for casual sex. I don’t want to come off as Confucius and act like there was some deeper philosophical reason for me not getting any at this year’s Essence Fest.

What I am saying is, as far as missions to get laid go, this year I failed with flying colors, and prior to this weekend, I had no idea failure in this regard could be so sweet.

Instead of looking back on my trip with a slight chip on my shoulder all because I still have the same number of condoms in my suitcase coming back as I did going, I have laughed, smiled, and shook my head at the memories made ever since I landed back in NYC.

What I wanted to do when I got down to New Orleans was have the time of my life with a couple of my best friends, just like we have done in years past.

I wanted to meet new girls who I could possibly sleep with and make them laugh, smile, and maybe even buy me a drink. Yeah, you read that right. Buy me a drink.

I wanted to make out with a girl I barely knew in the club.

I wanted to laugh so hard I was crying at a joke one of my boys cracked.

I wanted to drink so much, everything I said to a woman sounded like poetry and absolutely made no sense.

I wanted one of my boys to go to our all white party in a bathrobe.

I wanted people I never met before to come up to me and tell me they read my blog everyday so I can thank them in person.

I wanted me and my friends to get in a bunch of random people’s pictures so by today we could be in some Facebook photo album entitled, “ESSENCE FEST 2010” with a caption underneath that reads, “These were the craziest guys we ever met. I love them.”

I wanted to do shots of Jameson at the bar in the W with a cute-as-hell bartender my boys and I met last year who we affectionately call “Coach”.

I wanted to unknowingly get into a cab with three random girls from Toledo, Ohio and watch them do some unspeakable things to my cab driver all for a free cab ride. (I didn’t want to touch those girls, by the way, so I didn’t.)

I wanted to watch Alicia Keys from backstage of the Superdome and run into all of my good New York friends.

I wanted to get rides back to the hotel from native New Orleaneans who drive so recklessly I deleted they’re phone number soon as I got out of the car.

And yes, of course I wanted to get laid.

The thing is, with the exception of the first and last thing I listed, I did not know I wanted any of these things to happen until they actually did, and all of them happened, except for the last thing.

Like I said, I don’t want to come off as one of those guys who tries to act like they’re above casual sex just because they didn’t get any. I’m just saying, there was the trip in my head and then there was the trip that was and while I was on it, I received a lesson I didn’t know I wanted, which is this: Sometimes our real life is better than the one we make up in our head.

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  • Julie

    Welcome back Jozen! Happy you had a different good time LOL. Random, casual sex is overrated huh? LOL

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  • L. Dejean

    Welcome back & i’m glad you had such a good time…one of these days, i’ve got to make it down to N.O.! Did you have a hand grenade for me, as requested?

  • Yesi Jukebox

    I really am glad you had a good time…but I didn’t care much for this post.

  • taurusitalia

    I like your last sentence…”sometimes our real life is better than the one we make up in our head.” Very optimistic, I’m gonna have to steal it LOL.

  • Nicky

    I almost missed my bus because I was laughing so hard. Good read! You clearly had a blast. It almost felt as if I was there!

  • goalawal

    good post.. Nice to be able to read your post before i start doing any work…..

  • Alana

    Well kiddies todays lesson is if you must have casual sex,please be responsible.Thank you Jozen for the PSA.:)

  • Teddy

    I’m so glad you had a good time at Essence this year! It was my first year going and I was lowkey hoping I would run into you so I could take a pc and tag it with the caption “I love this guy! His blog is so effing great!”. You’re right about planning how the weekend would go w/ the homies in your head and how great it actually winds up turning out. These are the memories that we never forget. Life is good. Next year I’m gonna be on a mission to catch you! You just made me smile for the day reminiscing about all the fun I had this weekend w/ all the college homies!

  • marpessa

    Hilarious! The fantasy vacation sexfest politiques still exists when you’re married 2…btw I just realized we were @ HU around the same time Bisons were born 2 get down!!

  • Nicole

    “I wanted to get rides back to the hotel from native New Orleaneans who drive so recklessly I deleted they’re phone number soon as I got out of the car.”~ I laughed so hard at this because I know it to be true. Hilarious.

    Sometimes life has a way of happening in unexpected ways. I’m glad you had a good time.

  • Demi


    Right?!? The repeated mention of condoms in this post had me soooo happy :).

  • Natasha

    Very good blog. I always wanted to go to Essence festival in N.O. Based on your play by play on twitter it was clear you had a good time. The blog today is my personal story minus the fact that I would expect sex and I am a female so lots of shopping would have been added for good measure. It is actually possible to have fun while not sexing up a storm and drinking yourself crazy. I understand that it is the first thing that pops up in most folks mind when they hang out, but it’s ok to live outside the box and really have fun:)

  • Cicely

    Jozen, I feel like you’re growing up in front of my eyes ***wiping away a tear*** And I don’t even know you…lol

    Nice read. Thanks for the post and glad you had an awesome time!

  • MissMina

    I loved this post. Very creative way to recount all of your memories. But umm…I’m mad at homeboy for wearing a robe to an all white party. Brilliant! Lol

  • MadScientist7

    essence is a good time. glad you had fun. it’s not always about getting laid. trust new orleans is always a good time. i’ve been there several times and i’ve never gotten laid. not that i was looking for that. *shrug*

  • ali

    Jozen! You were in my city and I didn’t run into you… Darn! I would’ve loved to run into you only to yell “I love your BLOG dude!” Maybe next year!

  • TiP #thatisall

  • Fallible Sage

    Still haven’t made it to Essence unfortunately. What you thalked about is the kind of trip I’d want to have though… getting laid too would have been the icing. Better yet, being there with somebody I was really feeling on that level woulda been great. I’m not good at the short game for some reason. I know because I’ve tried. I rarely can close in one night, and the times when it was possible the ladies weren’t usually who I’d want to take it there with anyway. I’m more surprised (and elated) when I don’t come back with the same condom count on a trip where there wasn’t pre arranged butt neckedness either waiting for or brought with me. So, moral of this story is that if I had a whole week at the festival I might be able to work it out, but probably not. 🙂

  • Cheekie

    This entire post was a nice one. But this line made it great:

    “Sometimes our real life is better than the one we make up in our head.”

    What a great source of inspiration. 🙂

  • citygirl22

    I was already laughing just from the title… it’s like a headline straight out of The Onion.
    Glad you had a great time!!!

  • Sofia

    Very funny! But sorry you didn’t get any….

  • Dililah

    I liked this post a lot. Made me smile 🙂

  • freespiritz

    Very funny post!! Happy that I was able to meet you in person 🙂

    Glad that you had a great trip and a safe return to NYC!

  • monique

    ha! same thing happened to me too over the holiday weekend- i went to vegas w/my girls n usually things of THAT nature go down….but not this time && im okay with it because I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE =]

  • spchrist

    I went to my first Essence Music Festival this past weekend and now I have a female stalker. lol. It was one crazy weekend in New Orleans.

  • my28cents

    need to find my way to the next Essence Festival, keep hearing great things.

  • Hawthorne

    Met you in N.O.
    Your writing is very enticing. I thoroughly enjoyed this…
    Call me a new reader! 🙂

  • Cyt_grl

    I so wanted to see you and take a picture. Maybe next year. 🙁

  • Tea

    I have a good idea in my head about which one of your boys wore a bathrobe to an all white party. Let me go check his Facebook page. LOL! I’ve yet to go to EMF. I just like being at home on the 4th. Chitown jukes on holiday weekends. Yes, I said jukes, please let their be some other Chitowners in here so I don’t feel silly. I stand by it though. Glad you had fun Jozen!

  • **inquiring mind**

    “Sometimes our real life is better than the one we make up in our head.”

    That isht is really profound… so hard to remember that sometimes, I appreciate you putting it to words.

    Glad you had a good time none the less.

    Oh and “Yeah, you read that right. Buy me a drink.” – for why Jozen?… smh!

  • Najeema

    Jameson, really? I’m not on it. But I’m not a drinker, so…
    Maturity in this post. Casual sex isn’t always the greatest and spending time with friends creating memories means more than random encounters.
    I’ll buy you a drink. If I can make it down to Essence.

  • Bridget B.

    um…people still kiss in the club?!? love you jozen, but i don’t know any guy that thinks it’s cool to make-out with random chicks (or any chick, for that matter) in the club.

    to quote a very wise man, “Whatever the reason, making out with someone in public is never a good look. No one wants to see all that (tonguing and groping), nor do they want to hear all that (moaning and lip smacking).”

    can’t co-sign on this post, but love your blog!

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