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Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Virgin Edition

In her defense, she told me before we even went out on our first date. It was kind of like a warning, but I didn’t take it that way, more so like a challenge. She was a virgin and she was going to remain that way until she was married. Having known my reputation for liking sex (which isn’t even really a reputation so much as it is a stereotype, accurate and true), she wanted to give me an out, but that’s not what I wanted.

I wanted in. Not in a physical sense. The challenge I saw was not to break this girl down and make her change her mind. I just wanted to be close to this girl I had my eye on for months, and was curious to see if I could actually get to an intimate connection that goes beyond sex. So I accepted these circumstances and I gave it my all, as a consequence, this is what happened.

The first date convinced me I could do this. Did I want to sleep with her from the moment we met at a park? Sure did. Did I care we weren’t going to do it that night nor anytime in the not so distant future? Sure did not. On our first date, the virgin thing was only discussed briefly because I was curious to know more about her position on it. Was the decision based on a certain upbringing, religious beliefs, secular-but-deeply-seeded personal beliefs? She explained all of it to me and even said to me she was very sexual, she didn’t have sex.  I was intrigued on how that worked, but more importantly, I was having a good time with the girl sitting on that park bench.

That first date turned into many more dates, most of which occurred at her place. She liked to stay in and I certainly didn’t mind it, because staying in with her also meant a fantastic feast. The girl could cook and she cooked often. For two weeks, there was absolutely no problems. Even in the bedroom where “nothing” was supposed to be going down, a lot was actually going down between us. She was one of those “everything-but” girls and I thought it would suit me just fine. Who needs sex, I thought.

Then three weeks went by and I realized, I needed sex. I can’t recall it being any one particular thing that switched the tempo. Or, wait a minute, I actually do.

I went to her place straight after work. She was already there, and when she opened the door, there she stood in an apron and black lace underwear. The food smelled delicious. She looked delicious. We ate the food. Then went to her bedroom to make out for what felt like the 50th time since our first kiss. All night. I kept on hitting triples. No home runs. Just up to third base, and then, back to sleep.

In relationships where both parties know things are going to go down eventually, waiting can be frustrating, but it’s a part of the game. I don’t get caught up in the whole when-should-a-woman-give-it-up question because I feel like she should give it up when she feels like she wants me. That’s going to make for the best experience. But with the virgin, there was no waiting game because, well, it wasn’t going to happen, not until she wanted to get married. Oh, and about that, marriage and all, she didn’ see herself walking down the aisle for at least five years.

Frustration was mounting, unlike me, and it would especially boil over when we argued about things unrelated to the big elephant in the room. I found myself growing irritated by small, trivial things, and even more upset that when the argument passed and it was time to makeup, we would only go so far before we had stop. And trust me, we always went far. As a matter of fact, there were a couple of times where we thought we were going to round home, but it was always in the most passionate moments, when neither of us were thinking with properly.

To the girl’s credit, she noticed my frustration and began to ask me if things were okay, but not in one of those patronizing ways. You know, when people know what is wrong and want to try and get them to just say it? She knew exactly what the issue was, and while she held firm to what she believed in, she still wanted to try and make me happy, so she came up with an interesting proposition.

I remember this vividly, we were both lying in the bed together and my eyes were closed. It was, mid-afternoon, a weekend. Kind of quiet. “You know, as long as you didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t mind if you did what you had to do,” she said. When she finished her sentence, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

“Huh?” I said, now turning to face her.

She looked back at me and as serious as a face one can make without looking resentful or angry, she said, “I want to see you happy, so you can do what you want with who you want, just don’t tell me.”

I was baffled and kind of happy, feeling like I was just given bail money. But I kept everything under control and honestly, I was still confused not as to what she meant, but what it all meant for me.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

Then, I thought for a couple of days about it. Here was this girl who I really liked but wasn’t doing this one thing that I felt was very important in any relationship. I was thinking about everything from as logical of a point of view as I could. I saw the pluses. I saw the minuses. I weighted them. Discussed it with my boys, some of whom also saw the pluses and minuses. I didn’t know what I was going to do and what was funny was how my confusion was all I needed to clear things up.

The way I saw it, the only reason why I was thinking about what on paper seemed like an ideal arrangement, was because I actually liked the girl. My frustrations weren’t about the fact that I couldn’t get any. Within the time the girl and I were dating, I had more than a couple of chances to do get my rocks off with other girls, but such thoughts never even permeated my brain. And now that I was given approval to do so under the most convenient of conditions (just don’t say anything), the desire I had to be with other women was something I had to think about?

What I realized was I wanted to be intimate with the girl I actually liked. This girl, whose cooking I loved, whose company I dug, whose beauty was so striking I wanted to ask her for a wallet sized picture I could carry with me, that’s who I wanted to be with in every single way one could be with someone. And I don’t think she understood that because a lot of women will tell a man, “You can call up someone else to get some,” not knowing the man knows he can get some from someone else but wants some from her.

I made my decision not to take her up on her offer, and told her with no hope it would convince her to change her mind. As I said, she told me the deal from the very beginning and back before I got in four weeks deep, I could have left, but I didn’t. I stayed and got to know this great, great girl. So I was determined to stick it out for as long as I could.

A week later, the two of us argued over something so stupid, so small, it’s going to one day be written about in a separate post, and I left. As it turned out, my “long as I could” had come to an end.

  • superwoman

    mmm, it was bound to end this way, unfortunately. i used to be with a guy who would go on these month-long s3x fasts, and it was the most frustrating thing EVER! i can’t imagine being with someone who was just NOT going to do the deed until marriage – 5 years or so down the line! wow….

    can’t wait to read about the fight that ended it all…

  • Theryl

    I think it’s dope that you gave it a chance, but I think u jumped real quick without really understanding the effects it would have on you. I still believe that there are several layers of intimacy that need to be reached and fulfilled before we do the hokey-pokey, but hey thats just me! Lol. Most importantly you have to be equally yoked with your partner. You have to share common goals for the relationship….

  • http://twitter.com/Lena Lena

    I had a similar relationship. I believe that fornication is a sin and didn’t want to do anything until we got married. My bf, was FRUSTRATED (understandably so) and I presented the same opportunity to him. Told him that he could handle whatever he needed to handle as long as he kept it separate from me and my walk with God. It was the thing that eventually led to the demise of our relationship. (We were together for six years.)

  • AlongCameStacey

    I could never date a virgin who was dead set on waiting for the one because if I took his virginity and then things didn’t work out, I’d feel bad about it. Besides, idk about waiting until you’re married to test out the goods. I know someone is gonna comment about how people these days have no values and place too much importance on sex but lets be serious folks – sex is important. Really important. Actually, allow me to correct myself – GOOD sex is really important.

    And when there are issues looming in the relationship, stupid arguments are usually what ends it for good. I know that when I’m upset about something in a relationship that just can’t be fixed, I’m bound to break out into a Chris Rock routine. “Chicken?! Chicken again? We have chicken every day. I’m tired of chicken… I’m losing my finger-lickin mind right now eating all this chicken!”

  • Nicki

    Love, love, loved this post! Couldn’t help thinking though… if you liked her so much and wanted to be with her so badly… why didn’t you ask her to marry you (and meant it… not just for the nookie)?

  • Kady

    I can’t believe she gave you that out, I know why but “how”, how could she live with that? thats deep! The ending broke my heart a little bit. I was hoping you guys would have lasted a little longer than 5 weeks.

    I really like this series, makes me think about the guys I should never fall for again, so far I have “the Artist”…maybe.

  • Idealistic1

    @Theryl
    I offer kudos as well because I didn’t think that anyone would agree with something like this.

    @Lena
    Wow being in a situation for 6 years (with no sex) and then it still blows up in smoke…that is really depressing.

    @AlongCameStacey
    I agree that sex is important in a relationship and I definitely won’t marry someone without finding out if we are compatible sexually (because despite popular belief, you are not with everyone). I also believe that we sleep with one another waaay to fast nowadays and it only leads to heartache and a longer list of sexual partners. Therefore I refuse to have sex before being in a monogamous relationship that has real chance of a future.

  • BoomShots

    A significant part of growing up is about testing our limits and you no doubt wanted to test yours as regards to sexual intimacy. What you discovered was that like most men while we desire sex we also desire it with women we are into emotionally. Contrary to popular female thinking most men are not dogs, we don’t aspire to screw any every woman that is willing and available. Some of us, no doubt do but a majority do not.

    Sex is a major factor in my intimate relationships and so the idea of waiting until marriage I would reject. It will never be the only reason to marry or not marry someone nor remain in a relationship.

    What if its horrible do I get an annulment for incompatability, would not make me shallow?

    I respect everyone’s right to make decisions about their body and their sexuality, however I don’t have to always accomodate it and so whenever I have encountered, the celibate, abstinence or until married ladies, if I like them I will inquire as to the reasons before proceeding. The latter probably gets the least consideration because I am damn certain never going to marry a woman with whom I have never been sexual intimate.

    I have to say her giving permission to sate your sexual desires with others as long as she did not know about it did not sit well with me. I understand that she may not want to hold you to her “high” standards but it seems inconsistent. The sort of sexual hypocrisy that still defines sexually liberated women as sluts, their opposites as some how virtuous and men as mere beast. Plus it seems sex is only defined as intercourse which seems a rather narrow interpretation in my book.

  • GoodGirl

    This post kinda helped me understand a guys frame of mind better when it comes to this issue. But basically what im understanding is that men can kick it with a virgin but cant stay with her for the long run bc shes not giving up her goodies…tisk tisk!

    I understand that this is 2010 and the world is like addicted to sex, but what happens to those girls who believe that sex is sacred and should be saved until marriage should we just give up bc no guy is willing to be with us longer than a month w/o sex? Thats a bit pathetic! You new millenium men need to get it together!

  • http://loveh8relate.com Swag

    I have to say this is an awesome post. For one, you made a grown up decision to pursue what you wanted…OUT OF GOOD FAITH. You could easily have gone after it just to taste the cookies (shameless plug: http://loveh8relate.com/2010/07/30/the-cookie-jar/)…

    Honestly though. My girl made me wait a year before we had sex, albeit we were friends with extracurricular activities at the time but now that we are together, that time without the added stress of sex was absolutely the most important part of our relationship. It allowed us to truly get to know and accept each other wholeheartedly.

    I’m bummed to hear it didn’t work out but I’m digging the post.

    FYI – You have been blogrolled

  • http://loveh8relate.com Swag
  • Malia

    @GoodGirl
    You should seek men who have the same beliefs, they are out there, but don’t expect men who have other beliefs to conform to yours.

  • Miss. Riss

    Love your stories! LOL

    Glad to know you didn’t continue to see her with the idea that you’d be able to persuade her from her beliefs. Its probably best it ended like it did, I’m sure you both respect each other more for it.

  • Mississ

    The whole apron and underwear greeting was kind of low. I dig her decision to stand firmly behind her decision to wait, but why be a tease? All of the extra-curricular activity and answering the door in her drawers is just….I don’t know…kind of cruel.

  • Kady

    @GoodGirl
    Just out of my own curiosity, is it that to you sex is sacred but the man doesn’t have to be a virgin?
    I just imagine that if I had a belief about saving myself, I really wouldn’t date men who didn’t have the same belief. I totally believe there are men like Jozen who will respect the choice, but respect and acceptance are 2 different things.

  • AlongCameStacey

    @Idealistic1
    I can completely understand that. I usually, not always, try to reserve it for monogamous situations. However, I have my needs and monogamy isn’t always on the horizon.

    @Malia
    You took the words right out of my mouth.

  • Sunkissed404

    ” I just wanted to be close to this girl I had my eye on for months, and was curious to see if I could actually get to an intimate connection that goes beyond sex.” Booooo (thumbs down) Intimacy does not equal sex. You don’t have to experience sex to be intimate with someone… ( You tried to pull one over on us….U aiiiin’t slick, but good try;)

    ********************************************************************

    ” I remember this vividly, we were both lying in the bed together and my eyes were closed. It was, mid-afternoon, a weekend. Kind of quiet. “You know, as long as you didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t mind if you did what you had to do,” she said. When she finished her sentence, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

    *********************************************************************

    – I smiled when I read this… Because that sooooooooooo is what I told my ex-boyfriend when he kept trying to pressure me to give it up. I was one guy away from my virginity before i met him, and I was trying…I mean reeeeeaaaaaally trying to not get sucked in by guy #2 (him at the time). I said this to him countless time….Yeah, I know it ain’t right (totally), but I used to like phukn wit his mind….lol I had his head phukkd up when I said that to him. He was like “Okay…I will go call somebody else. ” “I was like. Go ahead..Just please don’t bring that ish around me”… WTF??

    -6 year later…ain’t much change wit me either. I hate when dudes be tryna pressure u into doing something that soooo many other females b waiting to do. Fuh-Nee.

  • fixedwater

    It would seems masochistic to get involved with someone who is holding out for marriage, if you are not really in the market for that kind of commitment. I’m not sure where his head was at this particular time so no judgement from me.

    As for her actions they just seem confused and inconsistent. Again I say life is to short to live by the rules.

    You are waiting for marriage to break the hymen, but you don’t plan on getting married for 5 more years, and you still want to get your rocks off with the “everything but…” plan. Meanwhile you don’t care if he is, or not, or if he’s faithful, or not, as long as you don’t see it. What?!? I get it – she lives in a world where premarital sex is fairly common, and she is trying to adapt her values to accommodate the times. But it seems like she just ends up all over the place. Hey! to each his own. It just seems like unless she sets a standard for her relationships at a level to reach her goal, those 5 years will pass and she will only have a bunch of frustrated jokers left in her wake and no husband to marry. I don’t know how but she would likely have to make more friends than make out partners, cause sexually frustrated folk are cranky folk.

  • Melanie

    Interesting post. As a virgin myself, it gives me the male’s perspective on the decision that I’ve made. I understand and think that it was very honorable for you to have respected her decision. Sometimes you lose yourself and end up doing that very thing you decided not to do to please the other party, and what you did honestly shocked me. What man does that nowadays? Not many I’ll tell you that much. It definitely shows your character. I don’t think that people understand it’s hard out here to find a man to accept your beliefs about sex!

    It’s really hard out here to date because men don’t want to deal with inexperience. I feel like they can sniff it out. lol They want what they want and if you won’t give it to them, then it’s on to the next one. Hmph. (Sorry, just ranting…)

    Excellent post! But men, please give us a chance! Shat!

  • SRinJ

    I saw this on twitte rand gelt liI saw this on twitter and felt compelled to read it. I am a 24 year old virgin and I fully respect you for holding out for 5 weeks… Thus far most guys I have been with have either run as fast as possible after the first date (because I feel the need to be open about it asap) or waiting a few dates and after realizing that I am serious keep it moving. I know it’s hard for a guy who has been sexually active to go cold turkey, even with the “everything but” situations but speaking from the other side trust me it’s really hard to hold on to your values when you are in the heat of things.

    @Boomshots – I don’t agree with the liberated sluts comment. I am the only virgin in my group of friends and I fully accept them and their preferences. A choice is a choice and whether they want to do something doesn’t affect that how I view them. To each his own as far as I am concerned. I can definitely see your point as to not wanting to marry someone without being intimate with them though.

    @Goodgirl – I see your point but I am sure it’s hard for a man to go from having sex all the time to no sex – even with the everything but situations. So while I have the same frustration you have I can understand a guy leaving and not wanting to deal with it(sad I know)

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  • Lindy Delapenha

    This is my first time commenting.

    @BoomShots

    I have to agree with you regarding her rather narrow definition of sex. In fact I don’t believe that woman was a virgin, but that’s just my opinion. If her reasons for being a virgin were tied to religion, specifically Christianity, she is in a for a big surprise. For the life of me I can’t understand why there are so many fake virgins walking the streets. Both men and women. Do people really believe that engaging in all other acts of sexuality except actual intercourse absolves them of guilt? Do we really think God is that stupid? If she is doing it because of religion, she is disrespecting and violating the spirit of what virginity and chasteness is supposed to be. NO SEXUAL ACTS. None. Why is someone who is a virgin trying to entice and seduce? Answering the door in lingerie? Get out of here. What exactly are you trying to accomplish?

    I am certainly not a religious conservative but I honestly am getting tired of women and men putting up this front. In my opinion there are two reasons why people, specifically women, do this. To ennoble themselves to men. This way they can determine who to sleep with at their own pace while maintaining the illusion to men that they are untouched and waiting for the right man to convince them otherwise. Its almost like a modern test of chivalry. The prize being marriage and her vagina. The other reason is that they made poor sexual choices when they were younger and are trying to redress them now.

    I only say this based on her actions. They do not seem genuine. The only adult virgins left on this earth are truly unattractive and socially awkward men and women, and catholic nuns.

    @GoodGirl

    Men can go without sex, as long as the woman claiming to wait does not engage in any carnal acts. This whole anything but environment is a means by which some people are able to control another through feeding them small doses of sexuality.

    I am of the belief that if Jozen would have waited for a year with her without having sex with anyone else, she would have had sex with him. Her behaviour tells you that she wants to have sex. The whole go and have sex and don’t tell me thing was just a test to see if he was worthy.

  • Kady

    @fixedwater

    LMAO at “masochistic”

  • http://www.youtube.com/remthemulatto RemTheMulatto

    There’s something fantastic about waiting for someone and then finally experiencing them sexually after falling in love. People don’t really have the patience to wait that long for good things, especially without the promise that it will be as fantastic as the anticipation makes you feel it will be. It also takes a certain type of mind. Most men in today’s society aren’t programmed for it. Sex is EVERYWHERE!

  • **inquiring mind**

    I kinda feel compelled to give some perspective… I’ve given the “out” before. Here is why for those giving the o_O face at ole girl (lol)

    There was a time that I would test my will (something I highly recommend, eye-openning experience) for different things such as… I stopped eating meat for a year (like I went VEGAN- whoa, dats what my fam said) and I stopped. having. sex. womp womp 🙁 for over a year as well. I just didn’t want to. I kept feeling ninjas was getting something they didn’t deserve, so I committed to myself… I have a new perspective on that now but that’s not what this comment is about. Anyway, I started dating this great guy after the journey began. Time passed and he was struggling with my decision. He really needed my sexual attention and I couldn’t give him all of it. When we fooled around it would build into this fenzy that had to just HAULT! After a while it just became annoying and soon he wanted to stop fooling around altogether. He grew irritable and just grumpy all the time. It ain’t like you can’t tell when your SO has frustrations bottled-up. I could feel alladat and I got tired of carrying the weight of his emotions and energy on me… I guess I felt a little guilty too, but mostly I felt burdened. Our only real issue was that he wanted to phuck me, which is great. You don’t break-up with someone because they wanna phuck you. So, I reasoned everything out and decided if it’s that important to him, to a point where I can see and feel it’s breaking him down emotionally… he can just go phuck someone else and I won’t hold it against him… but, he wouldn’t instead we went our separate ways.

    *sidenote* The answering the door in lacey drawls is a low blow… definitely would not have done that.

  • BoomShots

    @GoodGirl
    Find men who who “believe that sex is sacred and should be saved until marriage”.
    But I am not going to hold my breath!!
    Having spoken several times with women who claim they are seeking “good” men who will wait for sex after marriage, they have very few flaterring things to say about such men as they are always perceived to be less than….
    Why did you think this girl suggested that he seek someone else because she wants the desirable man but only on her terms. If he had played along they could continue to pretend they had a great relationship and every one would be getting what they want.

  • Fancy

    Love the post! I don’t think relationships can work if both people are not on common ground. It is simple, either we are having sex at some point or we are not. No one wants to feel pressured into being intimate. My boyfriend and I are both celibate and it makes our relationship easier since we both know and agree to the boundaries. (And no, he is not gay). Ladies, there are men out there who have decided to be celibate on their own and respect your decision as well. Jozen respected her decision, but I think she also respected his knowing he was not going to wait for her.

  • Malia

    @Mississ
    —-The whole apron and underwear greeting was kind of low.—-
    Yeah it is. What bothers me is holding on to the vaginal sex as a sign of purity and engaging in everything but. Most mature, rational, adults understand oral sex is sex and fingers constitute penetration too, so it seems silly to toy with the gamut of sexuality and stop just shy of penis-in-vagina.

    What do you really value then? Because you can’t use religion to explain that because you were sinning with the “everything but”. Really it’s some twisted issue of virtue/purity vs everything else.

    I’m a bit older than a lot of these ladies who play those games and I’ll tell you, if you TRULY believe something, your actions and behavior fall in line. Toying around with the line really is about labels and feelings of shame and guilt and a twisted belief that men hold the sacredness of vaginal intercourse in the same regard as women do (most don’t). Not only that, but you can end up putting yourself in real difficult situations playing that game. Your signals should be clear and indisputable, not mixed and shifting.

    The only true argument I can buy about “everything but” is a sincere fear of unwanted pregnancy, because otherwise, all the other risks are still present (STDs, emotional abandonment, being misled). And, contrary to popular belief, it is not a valid filter to discern good guys from bad.

    I’m not knocking virginity, I think it’s great. But if you’re doing “everything but” what is it REALLY about and what are you playing at?

  • **inquiring mind**

    @BoomShots

    While I think you’re right about wanting things on her terms (I know I did), I disagree with your advice. Yeah, since you’re a man you MAY have a more accurate viewpoint but I know that if a man met who is considers “the one” waiting would be something he would be willing to work at. I think the key is to know it’s a process. It’s not gonna just work or not work… you have to work at it together and communicate. I, and the girl in the story, failed because instead of trying to communicate and work to a resolution we kinda just gave a quick-fix solution that back-fired… moral of the story is be willing to listen and work it out, but don’t give-up, he is out there even if HE don’t even know it yet.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @**inquiring mind**
    “that just happened”… correction “met SOMEONE who HE considers…”

    sorry y’all #asyouwere

  • http://www.facebook.com/queenearthmother queenearthmother

    I believe that both of you were delusional, and she extremely confused. First off, I commend you for trying to accommodate her and respect her wishes, but you weren;t a match from day one because you didn’t share the same ideology. Second, even though you didn’t penetrate her, you WERE having sex, sexual contact, etc. All of that counts, and that’s either hypocritical or a game being played by someone. How can a person believe that you can have that kind of contact on a regular basis, and NOT want to consummate it? That doesn’t fit with her so-called “RELIGIOUS” beliefs, because she should NOT have been engaging in that type of behavior at all. Also, by her suggesting that you go to others to fulfill yourself shows that she did not care about you or YOUR salvation, because why would that be acceptable to the relationship, religious or not? She sounds like there were other issues going on. Either you’re “doing it” or you’re not. There is no gray area.

  • Sunkissed404

    @Malia
    You’re right. It’s not right to lead on be a tease. In my case, I had already done the do…I was just trying my hardest to abstain. In the mean time, I kept meeting guys who would try all types of rationale to make me give in. It was easy for me to say no to most of the guys, but I was frustrated with the guy (my-ex) for sticking around, making it difficult for me to obstain. I was definitely into him physically, but I didn’t want the empty feeling after knowing I gave up something for a guy who may have jetted in and out, and on to the next one. After a while…I gave in…and it seemed that all that mattered to him afterwards was the physical.

    I miss the innocence of relationships..Without all the trickery and game. *sigh*

  • GoodGirl

    Ok I think this may clear things up in one…

    I don’t agree with Jozen’s girls decision to do “anything but” I also disagree that I would want my man to sleep with other people people just to keep him around. I value myself too much to play second fiddle to anyone. I am an “ATTRACTIVE” 24 year old and completely believe in “KISSING ONLY.” I don’t mind if the man is or is not a virgin as long s he can respect that he’s not getting any from me. Maybe its old school beliefs but I don’t care. I’m a virgin by choice not because of religious beliefs but because I believe that sex shouldn’t happen until he PUTS A RING ON IT! You don’t have to be some RELIGIOUS FREAK to NOT want to GET FREAKY.

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    Great post! There are so many great comments as always. I have learned that what it is we want out of life or LOVE we have to be. I no longer stress about meeting a man who will wait until marriage to have sex with men. My soul seeks someone who compliments who I am, the person who reflects my soul. Not someone who is detached from me and does not understand why I am waiting for marriage for sex. Or someone who does not want to wait because we are not compatible.

    I think it is great that you were open to being with her Jozen. Like her I am a virgin who is comfortable with my sexuality and I am becoming more and more comfortable everyday. Sex is very important to me. I put sex on a high platform, that is why I am waiting. I am emtional and I need to be in LOVE. I need security of marriage. I don’t even play myself and give a time limit until marriage any more. Hell, I could get married in 9 months after meeting a man if my soul moves me in that direction.

    @queenearthmother @Malia

    I hear this arugment often, and while I don’t disagree oral sex is still sex. The decision on what to do before marriage is a personal choice. That is why I embrace my spiritual side and not religion. As I virgin I do things that folks religious or not would question because I am not the old prude who never been touched or who has never touched herself. Life is filled with grey areas. I won’t live in a box. Complex, but I am emotional women (Scorpios stand up!) so my reasoning for waiting is practical and less about being “pure” or a “good girl”.

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    “I no longer stress about meeting a man who will wait until marriage to have sex with ME” not men. Sorry.

  • ericka

    Awesome post and comments. I don’t even know how to respond. Enjoying reading, though.

  • Laura

    So…is she married now?

  • L. Dejean

    wow…that was quite the story…when i was trying to hold on to my v-card, dudes didn’t understand why & were far from patient. I’m glad to know that you were because most guys I’ve encountered just aren’t.

    Good post, i look forward to the next one!

  • BoomShots

    @**inquiring mind**
    Yeah poor communication the fly in the ointment of many “good” intentions.

    I will say it again if you missed it the first time: “Most men offer relationships to get sex and most women offer sex to get relationships.” While its never verbalized its on many level understood by most. I find it hilarious how many of these new fangled virgins called them selves old fashioned, I would challenge them to check all those old fashioned people married records against their first child’s birth certificate and they may be surprised how many average under 9 months difference in dates.

    People kill me with their naivety about the history of human sexuality. Where do you folks think the idea of “shotgun weddings” derived?

    Who you have sex with and when you have sex is a personal choice in my book. I defend the right of anyone to make those choices but please stop the mealy mouth justifications. I don’t know anyone who will seriously argue that you have no right to make that personal choice just be clear about it.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @BoomShots
    Hey wait a minute… did I just get cussed? I don’t know what just happened.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @**inquiring mind**
    Oy VEY! I meant cussed out!

  • b

    The girl might as well have given up the goods.!!!! “God” said NO SEX! I’m pretty sure that whole “everything-but” thing is still a sin in his book!!

  • Malia

    @Sunkissed404

    I get you, that’s why “anything but” can get you into trouble. At that point, you’re trying to stop something from NATURALLY progressing. That’s how people are wired, physically and sexually. If I’m trying to “eat clean” I just don’t go to into a bakery thinking I’m just going to buy a bottle of water. No point in trying to generate the willpower to resist all that temptation.

    Which is why if people are really trying to abstain, best to avoid the slippery slope altogether instead of constantly toe-ing the line and managing frustrations– for both parties.

    That’s like when people go “I’m going to lick the muffin, but not eat it… ok, just a teeeeeny tiiiiiiiiny liiiiiiiiitle bit.”

  • http://www.onlyoneheaven.com heaven

    What happened to not KISSING a girl that you aren’t sleeping with????

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    @heaven
    ROFL damn… Jozen you might wanna respond to that one.

    But re: this post, I couldn’t do it. I make no apologies for not being able to either because I know myself, and whoever I wanna be in a relationship with is also who I want to be having sex with lol.

  • Lyoness

    Really great post and amazing comments. I’m a virgin. This girl was not a virgin and was nothing more than a straight tease. It’s not a religious/conservative thing for me. I just don’t want to have sex until I get to know someone and feels that there’s a chance for a relationship. The guy doesn’t have to be a virgin, just a standup guy. It’s that simple and it works for me. All of my friends are sexually active and it works for them.

    Like others have said before, I also admire your willingness to date this woman but what really bothers me is that she was SUCH a tease. Showing up at the door with underwear and an apron. That’s like having a steak in the oven and offering you cheese and crackers… I’m angry that this girl was doing “everything but” with you. It was wrong to you and wrong to her. I honestly think she was just getting off on the power trip from the mind games. Not all virgins pull this so please everyone don’t paint us all with a broad brush. Maybe this should’ve been the Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The “Everything But” Edition. LOL!!

  • VonBherAnn

    Jozen. First of all, must say I have been reading your blog for a matter of weeks and I am hooked. Reading this is a part of my daily ritual after I get home from work. Kick off my heels, give my puppy some pets, read UIGM.

    Now, first time commenter. I HAD to say that this post was intriguing to me because in your previous post (5 things you won’t do if you’re not having sex), you mentioned no kissing as one of the 5. Now… clearly you haven’t had sex with this particular girl. But it sounds like you got down in every other way. I guess my question is, was she the one that defined that rule for you? How do you go from getting down in every other way with a chick that won’t give up the goods to not kissin’ chicks at all who don’t give up the goods? I am curious. I love your blog and your insight and hope to see a post that expands on this one soon.

  • Aries_Rose

    Jozen,

    Reading this post really just made me smile and say “awww.” First, as a woman, it’s refreshing to know that guys like this really do exist. The ones that won’t take the best of both worlds because they want ALL of one world. I’m also glad you respected her lifestyle choice and were honest enough with yourself to understand that this situation wasn’t for you! But on another note, the lace panties thing tripped me out. I get that she wanted to find other ways aside from sex to keep you around but isn’t that just being a tease? Like if ya’ll were having sex, wouldn’t the lace panties invite the foreplay that leads to the actual act of sex? I just feel like why start down the path if you know you plan on turning back just before you get to your destination?

  • Erica

    All I can say is…I thought I was the coolest virgin out there….i literally have said everything this woman said to various men. Obviously we are all the same. How unoriginal do i now feel…*sigh* Darn it!

  • Erica

    Oh…and LOVED LOVED LOVED this post.