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Three Things You Need To Do Since Your Girl Is Going To See ‘Magic Mike’ And Magic Mike XXL

What’s up, folks!? A quick note for those who are seeing this post for the first time. I originally wrote it back when the first “Magic Mike” hit theaters. But now, with the release of the sequel, I thought it would be a good idea to repost it. I haven’t edited anything largely because judging from the trailer, it seems to be the same movie. So fellas, read and share this with your boys because I wrote it for us, the men whose women are going to see Magic Mike XXL.

Fellas, today your girl is not thinking about you. She isn’t worried about you and unless your real name is Mike, she doesn’t know your name. Why? “Magic Mike” comes out today, and if you haven’t heard about it, go to Google and get ready to shut your laptop within the first 30 seconds of that trailer.

Yep. That was Channing Tatum dancing half naked on your screen. I’m sorry, man but I had to put you onto game, because the fact is, women are out here buying two tickets for this movie. They’re buying one for themselves to see at lunch and the other to see after work.

Women are excited for this movie about male strippers, which is not to say they like male strippers. Most women I know say they actually loathe male strippers in real life, which I totally get because like, I’ve lusted for p0rn stars on my screen, but in real life? I don’t know if I’m going to date one, except for Michelle Tucker. Michelle Tucker gets all my forgiveness for her past, but that’s neither here nor there, moving on…

Very rarely does a movie come out with the sole intent of getting every woman in the audience to cross their legs multiple times throughout the film. Women never get treated to SCENES that appeal to their carnal side, let alone whole movies, so when something like “Magic Mike” comes out, they’re all in.

Meanwhile, because you might not have heard about this movie, you’ve just been chilling when you should’ve been in the gym or on the floor of your residence, knocking out pushups. If this is or was you, bravo sir. You knew better than to let yourself go as the promotional blitz for “Magic Mike” was heating up to today’s release. You can live comfortably knowing your woman will go see a movie with half naked men but come hot for YOU because you look like those dudes on the screen.

As for the rest of you guys, there’s still some things you can do to ensure your woman will not carry over some residual heat from the theater, because if she is hot, it’s certainly not for you. Here are my tips for the men who must endure their women going to see “Magic Mike” once or twice.

PICK HER UP FROM THE THEATER
Wait in the lobby of the theater where she went to go see the film. When she sees you on her way out she’s probably going to be all shocked and say, “What are you doing here?” You’re going to say, “I’m here to pick you up.” She’s going to say, “Pick me up? What? I’m about to go have drinks with my girls.” You’re going to say, “No I’m here to pick you up.” When she says, “I’m not getting in that car” or “I’m not getting in a cab with you.” You’re going to say, “I don’t mean pick you up like that, I mean pick you up like this.” Then put her over your shoulder. For about three seconds she’ll be all like, “WAIT, WHAT?! PUT ME DOWN!” Don’t say anything, just keep walking, and watch her calm down and say nothing. Take her home. When you get home, tell her not to get out of the car or if you’ve taken public transportation home, tell her to to stand still for a second. Pick her back up, carry her inside.

MAKE HER KEEP HER EYES OPEN, KEEP THE LIGHTS ON
If you did the first thing right, it should result in a passionate tryst with your lady. But here’s what you men need to be doing here: Make sure the lights stay on and more importantly, TELL HER TO KEEP HER EYES OPEN. The reason this is so important is because you got to make her know exactly who she’s with. Don’t let her close her eyes on you, man! The minute she closes them you know who’s on her mind? That’s right, Channing Tatum and that guy from “True Blood” whose name I don’t feel like Googling. If her eyes are closed, she’s not thinking about you. She’s thinking about both of them, at the same damn time probably. You don’t want that, dog. Tell her to keep her eyes open, make her say your name, tell her to look at you. Just don’t say “focus”. Saying “focus” during sex is like, not cool.

LET HER GO
After your done with this epic lovemaking session, give her the keys to your car or call her a cab (pay for that fare too) and tell her she can go back to hang out with her friends if she’d like. If you did your thing, she doesn’t even hear your offer because she’s asleep, but let’s say she’s not and she takes you up on it. Don’t worry, my dude. She’s about to go meet back up with her friends and tell her all about what you just did to her. Her friends will be jealous and your girl will be back later for round two.

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  • Sophia Dorcelus

    Hilarious!!! Love it.

  • http://twitter.com/funddiva Miss Palmer

    absolutely hilarious (and yikes)…true…

  • DP

    If my boyfriend came and literally CARRIED ME out of the theater after i told him no, and refused to let me continue my plans with my girl friends as planned, I’d be livid.  This is not cute or cool.  This is controlling.  I really hope you were being sarcastic in this post.  

  • Therealsevin

    Absolutely PERFECT!!

  • GreenPhoenix09

    Hilarious…got my ticket already for tonight’s show.

  • http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com/ Dewan Gibson

    #4: Tell her, “Magic Mike…yeah I fu*ked him.” 

  • Mellisa Manson

    LMAO….Funny with a slice of reality.

  • Simone

    You’re a fool. and hilarious

  • Guest

    lol love it! 

  • Guest

    Joe Manganiello…That “guy from True Blood”… The sexy ass werewolf, Alcide.  Yes.  His name is Joe. 

    Yes. Yes. Yes.  

  • http://originalnajeema.wordpress.com Najeema

    Yes, she will. 

  • Nimaako

    great advice. here’s hoping men take it! 

  • Ednise

    You always manage to bring the funny in real-life situations. Keep the yucks coming 🙂

  • IM

    Uhhhh… make sure she’s not wearing a dress or skirt before you get to throwing her @ss over your shoulder (pun).

  • Dom

    Wow, DP has no sense of humor! This is awesome and hilarious. If I had a bf and he did this, it would be a very good night!

  • J*C*

    this is Jozen’s fantasy…relax lol

  • MzNewAgenda

    LOL I love it! I missed your original post on this!