As is often the case, I receive emails from people who have read my columns. I get comments, questions, hate mail. I hear from all types of people no matter what their situation is. This guy was named Dan, and he sent me the following message:
“I am an avid reader of the Post and I have enjoyed your Meet Market page for some time. I noticed that I can email you and ask for help with finding a date. I would very much like to get some help meeting women, and I would like to know how to proceed with you. Thank you and I hope to talk to you soon.”
I enjoy these types of messages because I know people are reading, I can bring people into the fold, and I do not need to talk people into getting help with dating. Dating can be hard, and I feel better knowing I can make a difference.
How Did We Start?
I started with all the usual questions. Are you over 21? Do you like in NYC or the immediate outlying areas? When people are interested, they sometimes live too far away, are too young, or simply have the wrong idea. In Dan’s case, he was 36 and lived on Long Island. This is perfect because there are a lot of 30-somethings on Long Island looking for mates. There are also a lot of 30-somethings in the city looking for a date. Think about it for a second. That’s what Sex and the City was all about. I simply cover the male angle most of the time.
I asked Dan to fill out the questionnaire, and he scheduled time the next day to come in for the photo for the column. When people sign up for the Meet Market, they usually do so over email. This is very common, and it helps me reach more people. This means, however, that I do not meet these people for the first time until I see them for their photo. While people are excited about the photo, they usually want to get it over with and move on with their daily grind.
What Was Dan Like?
Dan was unlike anyone I had ever met through this service, imagine if Forrest Gump’s haircut was on Adam Levine, but he was a little too shy to start Maroon 5. Gave him black-rimmed glasses that are very thick, and this very slow walk. This was the slowest walk I had ever experienced. It felt awkward walking at a normal pace, and I didn’t want to leave the guy behind.
We got up to the studio for the photo, and I was talking to him about how the Meet Market works. This was perfectly normal, and he seemed ready for the challenge, but he did look a little apprehensive. It was as if he had something to say and didn’t want to say it.
I always ask if our guests have any questions about the Meet Market, but he told me he needed to tell me something. He said he had OCD and Asperger’s. This didn’t change my demeanor or approach to Dan, but I needed to take a mental note of the situation if I wanted to help him.
Dan Has Different Concerns When Going On Dates
As we shook hands in the lobby, he elaborated, “I don’t know how this normally works, but I have a very hard time meeting women. Because of my condition, it is impossible to make the simplest decisions. Most women do not find that attractive because they want a man who will take charge and deal with everything. I am not that person. I know some women like to be dominant, but there is no way to find them. I hate clubs and places with loud music, and I’m terrible at approaching women because I never know what to say. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 19, and I know this is the reason why.”
I try very hard not to make this job personal, and it can be difficult when people really want to meet someone special. I am, however, not a matchmaker. I want people to go on nice dates, and I want to say something cool about them in the paper. That is my job. If someone finds the love of their life, that is great. If people don’t, that is not my fault.
The problem with Dan is that he’s different, but it’s not a problem. It’s an obstacle, and I wanted to help him overcome that obstacle as much as possible.
How Was I Going To Address This Problem?
This man was trying very hard to be upfront about his condition, and I wanted to give him the best chance to address his issues meeting women. He even knew what he needed in a woman, and I thought it was nice that he could be honest with himself. A lot of guys with issues like this blame women. Dan wasn’t blaming himself, either, but he was aware of what his challenges would be.
I have talked to Dan a few times since he filled out the questionnaire, and he is a very good guy who has a Master’s Degree in Education. He works with a tutoring service that sends tutors to homes for kids who need help with certain subjects. He is still certified to teach, and he has developed a lot of self-awareness because he has taken the time to work on himself.
A lot of men can take a note from what Dan has to say. He was talking to me and told me, “my therapist says that I might need a woman who is in her mid-20s. While I am 36, she says that I might want someone who has as little experience with relationships as I do. We can grow together, and I look forward to that.”
More than anything, Dan understands how difficult it can be to explain his condition and find a dominant woman. He told me that he had a hard time finding a dominant woman because his desire for that type of relationship often makes him look and feel weak. “I want people to be ok with my condition, but I also want them to be ok with helping me through life and taking charge.”
Dan was also achingly honest about how this condition has impacted his life in the past, “I am very close to being a 40-year old virgin. I feel like everyone has been offered cake at a party and there is none for me.”
I Am Making A Personal Plea
I know that this is not usually how it works, but I want to give Dan a special chance to meet someone. I typically put people into the Meet Market, and I allow the women to choose. In this case, I want Dan to be the one who chooses. To that end, I am looking for women who are 21-40, living in NYC and looking to go on a date with Dan.
I promise you, this man is incredibly kind. He is smart. He works hard, and he has a good understanding of who he is. He just needs help finding the love that he, like all of us, deserves.
If you are this person or know someone living in NYC who should have a chance to go on a date with Dan, let me know. You can email me from the contact page.
I Am Still Talking To Dan
I told Dan I would help him get a date. That was all I promised. What happens on the date is up to him. What happens on the date might be up to you. It is not my job to help Dan get married, find the white picket fence, the kids, and the lifestyle he has always wanted. That is not where I am going. You, however, can give Dan a chance to get off to a good start. If nothing else, you might make friends with Dan if you don’t hit it off. Imagine how much a lady wingman could do for his psyche. He deserves a little kindness and joy in his life.
Let people around you know that Dan is available. You might be the perfect match for Dan, and you might know someone who can help give Dan what he deserves. Everyone deserves a date, including a guy named Dan no matter his situation.