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The Five Guys She Has In Her Life

December 4th, 2013 4 comments

I have a friend who used to go up to every woman he was attracted to with the same hook, line, and sinker. He chatted her up with friendly conversation, maybe offered her a drink or danced with her for a couple of songs and then if things were going well, he hit her with the question, “So do you have a man?”

His success rate with this approach was a Major League Baseball average at best (for all you non sports fans, a great season for any player is when they hit over 30%). As well intended as his ask may have been, it failed to hit the mark more than it didn’t and I had to tell him why. He never listened because he was stubborn, but maybe one of you guys out there who is reading this will hear me out as to why it’s almost never a good idea to ask a woman if she is single.

As I think I have said before on this site (I don’t feel like looking it up to verify this), asking a woman if she is seeing someone gives her an easy out. If she isn’t single, she doesn’t want to be reminded of that at all. Even if she’s happily single, when has a woman ever said out loud, to a man, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend, thank God!”

Never.

I always assume a woman has a boyfriend, but I don’t let that stop me. If I want to confirm, I’ll ask one of her friends for the inside scoop, but I don’t ask myself for the reasons stated above and because, well, I just think it’s good to have a filter. Assuming she has a man is what enables me to approach in an assertive but non aggressive way, that way if some barrel-chested guy with a shirt that’s too small comes out of the bathroom, he won’t try to slam my head into the bar. I don’t want my head slammed into the bar.

But the other reason this question is a waste of your time (and hers) is because even if she isn’t single it doesn’t mean she’s available.

Every woman has a team of guys from whom she is getting attention. I know this because I have been on multiple teams, assigned to multiple positions. Never think you’re playing tennis with a woman unless she says love out loud. Until then, understand you’re playing a team sport, and you are one man against five. If you want to be the MVP in her life, you have to, in the words of Waka Flocka, go hard in the paint and cross up every one of these following five jokers before she ever lets you score.

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Categories: game, guys Tags:

Dude, Help Her Move

October 2nd, 2012 5 comments

My ex and I decided to throw a Hail Mary pass in one last effort to save our relationship from its nadir. Here was the strategy:

She would move out and get a place of her own.

Yeah, I know. Like most moves of desperation, it wasn’t smart, and too much, too late; a fact we knew, but didn’t want to admit. Even worse, it was one of those decisions that was mutually agreed upon initially, but no sooner was one box packed did we start pointing fingers at one another as to whose idea it was.

I could’ve sworn it was hers and so, the last thing I wanted to do was help her move her things out of my apartment. When in the history of cohabitation did one person’s moving out lead them back to the place from which they left? I knew it was a rare occurrence, and up until that point, nothing about our relationship defied odds. We were, like most couples who shack up before marriage, going to end up not getting married, in spite of the fact that was the plan all along. The only thing more bothersome than the massive weight our impending fate had on my mind was the heavy suitcases I had to lift to her place.

But I carried them anyway, and I made several trips with her to Ikea as well. The reason why? Even though I knew we weren’t going to make it, I wasn’t ready to give up completely and I knew even if helping her move wasn’t going to make everything better, NOT helping her move would have made everything worse.

Now I don’t know if by this time my ex was talking to another guy or not. I didn’t care to ask, but I acted on the assumption that she did. And I thought, There is no way in hell I am letting whatever random simp she has playing the friend role swoop in on my relationship vis a vis with the old, “I can help you move your things” move. Had I not helped her move, that is exactly what would happen, and frankly, that would be completely fair, whether or not we were still technically together.

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Categories: game Tags:

Talk To Him Like A H*e

July 24th, 2012 32 comments

Today, I’m going to put you ladies onto some game your mothers might not have told you about. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure your mother told you to do the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you to do and your father dreaded the day a guy like me would come along and kick you this knowledge. But most of you who read my blog are adult enough to take this advice and use it without worrying about disrespecting your parent’s legacy. At least I hope you are. If you’re the type of person who still refers to the work your teachers give you to do after school as “homework”; hell, if you’re still referring to your teachers as teachers and not professors, you might want to log off right now.

For the rest of you grown folks who are still here, let’s move onto today’s lesson. Peep game:

Ladies, every now and then, you need to talk to your man like a h*e. I have a neighbor who lives downstairs from me, older woman. At least once a week, whenever I see her, you know what she says to me? “Young man, if I was 20 years younger…”

That’s no way to talk to me, but then again, it is.

You’re either scoffing or rolling your eyes at this advice. If you’re doing either of these, I feel bad for your lack of imagination and unwillingness to learn new things. But if you just chuckled or rubbed your chin with curiousity, congratulations. You’re obviously into keeping your man.

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Categories: game, guys, women Tags:

Playing Games With One Another

February 8th, 2011 28 comments

My ex and I had one solution for a lot of our more petty disagreements: Mancala.

Every once in a while it was Dominoes, but mostly, it was Mancala. For those who aren’t familiar with the game, a breakdown courtesy of Wikipedia:

Mancala games share a common general game play. Players begin by placing a certain number of seeds, prescribed by the variation in use, in each of the pits on the game board. A player may count their stones to plot the game. A turn consists of removing all seeds from a pit, sowing the seeds (placing one in each of the following pits in sequence), and capturing based on the state of board. This leads to the English phrase “Count and Capture” sometimes used to describe the game play. Although the details differ greatly, this general sequence applies to all games.

In the movie, Disappearing Acts Zora and Frank share a bond over a love for Scrabble. Another girl I used to date enjoyed beating me at Uno and my brother and his girlfriend are the first to get busy on a wide assortment of video games. Together.

So what am I talking about?

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Categories: dating, game Tags:

Why I Can’t Trust A Woman Who Doesn’t Own Toys

December 7th, 2010 36 comments

This is one of those posts that I have to tell my mom not to read, and my sister, and any other members of my family. So please, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sis, cousins, if you’ve gotten this far, go to another window please? Please?

As for the rest of you, who aren’t my family, this is a post I’ve wanted to write since the weekend, but been hesitant to do so. The reason: it’s basically something only I would come up with. Well, not only I, most other men might feel a similar way. Matter of fact, when I called up a couple of my boys to bounce the idea off of them, they understood my logic completely. A couple of my female friends also said the thought, though fairly typical of the mind of a man, wasn’t the most absurd thing they’ve ever heard.

So now I’m comfortable enough to break down why I don’t trust women who don’t own toys, and when I say toys, I mean the type only allowed for women 18 and older.

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Categories: game, s#x, women Tags:

The Man Who Always Knew Exactly What To Say

May 25th, 2010 27 comments

They call me a smart ass. Of all the names I’ve been called throughout my life, “smart ass” has been the one most often used. But I never pay it any mind as a knock on me because usually it is said after I made the point I was trying to make and the point was usually correct.

Although, these days, I will admit, the whole “smart ass” tag and whether or not it’s an actual diss or a backhanded compliment has made me evaluate what it is about me that often provokes people to say such things. And over the last few months of taking the time to really get to the source of this whole “smart ass” thing I have finally come to one conclusion…

My problem is I always know exactly what to say.

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Categories: dating, game, guys, women Tags:

Five Ways Your Facebook Profile Ruined Our Chances

May 4th, 2010 32 comments

I’m superficial. There is no use in even lying about it. I care about how a girl looks, how she talks, what kind of place she lives in; the list is endless. I know none of it really matters at all, has no connection to what’s truly important, but first impressions are also important to me. They’re important to everybody, so it is why we remain sticklers for the surface level stuff.

Outside of personal interaction, no place helps us gauge the superficial qualities of a person more than Facebook. We get to see photos, their favorite quotes, television shows, and maybe, if they’re frequent status updaters, their wit. Facebook, for me, has kind of become the Cliff Notes to a woman and I’m not even going to lie, sometimes, these Cliff Notes are so good, I want to read more. But sometimes, every once in a while, I come up on a woman’s profile that makes me want to pass on getting to know her beyond her page. These are the five reasons why:

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The Compliment Translator

March 2nd, 2010 22 comments

I’ve spoken about compliments before. Receiving them, giving them out, the ultimate compliment, and so on and so forth. Compliments are important, not because they help raise self-esteem, but because when we receive just the right one, they make our day. I know how good it feels to receive a compliment, but I know the greater joy is in giving one to a woman who upon hearing it, smiles so deeply I can tell her face is going to stay like that for the rest of the day.

But the question remains, how do we give them out? There is an art in compliment giving, as I’ve said before, as Esquire once wrote an entire article about. One specific rule of thumb I apply is to be specific when giving out a compliment. I don’t like the umbrella types of compliments where I’m acknowledging everything about a woman. I mean, she could be fine with ashy elbows. Who knows? So, instead, if I see she’s wearing some flashy accessory, I acknowledge that accessory. If I like the way she’s walking, I might say something about her walk. Fly hat? “Fly hat.”

But as a lady friend of mine recently pointed out, sometimes specifics can do more harm than good. If a woman just got her hair done, and I’m complimenting her shirt, what’s that say?

With this logic applied, sometimes the umbrella compliments, ones like “Hey beautiful,” or “You’re pretty,” are our best bet. What’s left to figure out is what umbrella compliment do I apply? I’ve thought about this for a couple of weeks, and I finally have what I like to call  the compliment translator.

Below, a break down of the most general compliments men give and what they might mean.

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Categories: c-section, dating, game, guys, women Tags:

Five Things A Man Must Look Out For When A Woman Leaves His Place

February 25th, 2010 43 comments

Most men (and some women!) have had to clean up their place after having over some company they know damn well they shouldn’t have had over. Or, in some cases, the company of the opposite sex is perfectly appropriate, but still, to avoid an awkward situation, one in which the present casual friend notices something left behind by the previous casual friend, we have to make sure our area is spotless.

Now I can’t speak for the women, but I know as a man, cleaning up after a woman has come over is not like cleaning up on a regular day. If I was smart enough, I’d invent a female detector. It would be sort of like a metal detector, except it detects all female stuff. But unfortunately, I’m not smart enough, and apparently no one else is either because I have yet to see a female detector on the market.

So until then, men like myself must rely on our eyes to spot out any damning evidence, which takes years of training. Most men are programmed to look out for the big stuff like panties, and even strands of hair that’s not hers. But as some would say, where the devil truly lies, is in the details. Thus, we have to develop an eye for the smaller, less obvious things that may call attention to our “lifestyle.” Here’s five of those things.

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Categories: game, guys, s#x, women Tags:

An Idea About Engagement

February 23rd, 2010 67 comments

They say an idle mind is the devil’s playground. Well, I say an idle mind is where genius happens because the other day, as I was taking a shower, I came up with an idea that I not only find brilliant, but worthy of application.

When a man asks a woman’s hand in marriage, she gets a ring and he gets a what? A “yes” one would hope, but after that, what else does he get? What kind of symbolism does he get to show he is engaged? Traditionally, none. While a woman gets to go around and flaunt a ring, an engaged man does not receive anything to show he is engaged.

Will someone tell me how this is fair? Then will someone tell me why women for so long have allowed their fiancés to go walking around looking no different than the man who isn’t engaged at all?

These questions are rhetorical. Instead of attempting to answer them, I aim to implement an alternative tradition, one that I hope other men put into practice and women will be accepting of.

As reciprocity for asking my woman’s hand in marriage, I too would like a symbol of our engagement. Something specifically for me. Here it is:

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